It was a beautiful day, my first Battle of Flowers, I was a marshal, terrified as usual of such a public role, but delighted to be doing my bit.
A group of us stood at the barriers at the St. Helier end of the Avenue, it was warm and the sky was Jersey Blue. We were waiting for the day to start, and the marshals were talking to each other.
I was with a girl who was either late teens or early 20s.
I was really quite surprised by what she told me, she said that she had never been off Jersey in her life, which I could not imagine, even Jerseypeople get Island fever and need a break. But the other thing she told me was that she was normally carer to her severely disabled brother.
While we were talking she had to speak to the relief carer who was looking after him for the day so that she could spend the day marshalling for a change.
My heart went out to her.
Anyway, we stood there enjoying the sun until people started to arrive, then we had to man the barriers because so many people thought they had the 'right' to get through without paying :( especially visitors from Guernsey and the UK, who said that 'It wasn't fair' that they had to pay! And tried to get past us.
It was a lovely day, but very tiring, I remember the little girl from church, who the churchwarden used to pick up and cuddle and play with was 'Junior Battle Queen' or whatever the tile was, and she waved as she went past on her float.
What a day. It was all very exciting for me, and such a glorious summer day, and all the beautiful floats.
Thank you to the people who have validated my memories and allowed me to share this.
Saturday 8 February 2014
Anything and everything
It is still hard to blog about Jersey, sometimes I feel as if I would be blogging to defend myself against the smear campaign rather than tell my story, and sometimes my memory is absent because the trauma is too much.
Sometimes random memories come to me and I wonder if I should blog them.
I went hungry a lot in Jersey, when I couldn't earn enough to live on, and I remember when I started to be a bit better off when my salary started, I remember getting a hot roast sandwich from the cafe in First Tower, which became a favourite place of mine. I was so hungry I choked as I tried to eat that sandwich because I ate so fast.
I remember giving £20 of that same first wage packet to one of the charity managers of one of the charities I worked for, I was worried though, because she belonged to the church and she knew where I worked, and that put me at risk as far as I was concerned.
I remember one of the numerous awful lodgings I stayed in during that few years of hell, no-one else was home when I got back from work that bank holiday, apart from one blind drunk lodger, he was not only blind drunk but was stark naked too, and not only stark naked but determined to be a pest, as in, he came up to me, propositioned me, in the nude, and followed me back to my room and pounded on the door and stayed outside the door swearing and threatening me.
The problem was, the police had brutalized me and locked me up the day they let the churchwarden go to go round saying he was cleared, so I saw no point in the police in this case.
Anyway, eventually he went away, and he muttered apologies later when he was more sober, but I was so alarmed that I let the landlady (who was not a nice person) know, and she kicked him out the same day, he wasn't even allowed time to find new lodgings, which is a very Jersey thing, they treat non-quals tenants like animals, and tried to do the same to me, but an organization that knew the law didn't let them.
There is more to that story but I am far from ready to share it. It it is among the countless traumas in this whole story, so much more than the church of england know, not that they have asked for my full story or showed any sign of wanting it yet.
Sometimes random memories come to me and I wonder if I should blog them.
I went hungry a lot in Jersey, when I couldn't earn enough to live on, and I remember when I started to be a bit better off when my salary started, I remember getting a hot roast sandwich from the cafe in First Tower, which became a favourite place of mine. I was so hungry I choked as I tried to eat that sandwich because I ate so fast.
I remember giving £20 of that same first wage packet to one of the charity managers of one of the charities I worked for, I was worried though, because she belonged to the church and she knew where I worked, and that put me at risk as far as I was concerned.
I remember one of the numerous awful lodgings I stayed in during that few years of hell, no-one else was home when I got back from work that bank holiday, apart from one blind drunk lodger, he was not only blind drunk but was stark naked too, and not only stark naked but determined to be a pest, as in, he came up to me, propositioned me, in the nude, and followed me back to my room and pounded on the door and stayed outside the door swearing and threatening me.
The problem was, the police had brutalized me and locked me up the day they let the churchwarden go to go round saying he was cleared, so I saw no point in the police in this case.
Anyway, eventually he went away, and he muttered apologies later when he was more sober, but I was so alarmed that I let the landlady (who was not a nice person) know, and she kicked him out the same day, he wasn't even allowed time to find new lodgings, which is a very Jersey thing, they treat non-quals tenants like animals, and tried to do the same to me, but an organization that knew the law didn't let them.
There is more to that story but I am far from ready to share it. It it is among the countless traumas in this whole story, so much more than the church of england know, not that they have asked for my full story or showed any sign of wanting it yet.
Three emails sent to Jane Fisher and Bishop Scott-Jonyt at the beginning of January 2011, graphic content, don't read if easily offended, I was being driven mad by their violations of my rights and privacy
withdraw Jane Fisher from harming me,
what you have done to me in your lack of duty of care and allowing fisher to spit on me in the first place,
what you have done in taking my life from me on behalf of wrong doers and judging this matter unjustly
is more than enough to ensure that I will never recover
You dont need to attack me through fisher and keep harming me
you dont need to send me lying emails
you do need to withdraw fisher or I will get her done for harassment or ensure a restraining order on her
I do not want to livethe remains of this difficult and distrssing life
being punched in the face by people who fisher manipulates to do so,
it is horrifying
no matter how you yap about helping me
you do not and cannot help me or even pretend to,
you are the ones who destoyed me
horribly
and each intervention from you
drives me further from society
wounds me further
what you are doing to me in intervening
is like a man kidnapping a woman
chaining her to a bed and raping her repeatedly
that is how vile and horrific what you are doing to me is
while I cannot escape.
no matter what you or your insurers and lawyers think
you are not helping me and cannot
and I am reasonably asking you to withdraw
just to add, imagine that man telling the woman he is raping that he is doing it for her benefit, and that sums up exactly what the diocese of winchester have and are doing to me.
because of the diocese interventions I will be on the streets for the rest of my life, and currently without food or money, I have no friends or support services to turn to as the diocese has violated all of these, and now I am ill, this would be a good time for someone to say 'why dont we leave her alone?' and give me a yes or no, will you withdraw or does it have to be legal action?
The only reasons I can think of for you to continue these attacks it to try and drive me to despair and attempted suicide as you did before, so you can try and have me locked up again,
try and drive me mad with anger and pain as before so you can have me convicted again,
try and drive me to a complete breakdown so that I become incapable,
what you are doing to me is horrifying and is very frightening to me,
I am going to continue to ask, through the police and the court and the church and everyone possible,
for Jane Fisher to be withdrawn from intervening in my life,
I am terrified of a future like a minefield of Jane Fisher interventions.
you are only lying to yourselves when you make out that what you have done and are doing is anything to do with helping me.
please let me know that fisher will be withdrawn.
what you have done to me in your lack of duty of care and allowing fisher to spit on me in the first place,
what you have done in taking my life from me on behalf of wrong doers and judging this matter unjustly
is more than enough to ensure that I will never recover
You dont need to attack me through fisher and keep harming me
you dont need to send me lying emails
you do need to withdraw fisher or I will get her done for harassment or ensure a restraining order on her
I do not want to livethe remains of this difficult and distrssing life
being punched in the face by people who fisher manipulates to do so,
it is horrifying
no matter how you yap about helping me
you do not and cannot help me or even pretend to,
you are the ones who destoyed me
horribly
and each intervention from you
drives me further from society
wounds me further
what you are doing to me in intervening
is like a man kidnapping a woman
chaining her to a bed and raping her repeatedly
that is how vile and horrific what you are doing to me is
while I cannot escape.
no matter what you or your insurers and lawyers think
you are not helping me and cannot
and I am reasonably asking you to withdraw
just to add, imagine that man telling the woman he is raping that he is doing it for her benefit, and that sums up exactly what the diocese of winchester have and are doing to me.
because of the diocese interventions I will be on the streets for the rest of my life, and currently without food or money, I have no friends or support services to turn to as the diocese has violated all of these, and now I am ill, this would be a good time for someone to say 'why dont we leave her alone?' and give me a yes or no, will you withdraw or does it have to be legal action?
The only reasons I can think of for you to continue these attacks it to try and drive me to despair and attempted suicide as you did before, so you can try and have me locked up again,
try and drive me mad with anger and pain as before so you can have me convicted again,
try and drive me to a complete breakdown so that I become incapable,
what you are doing to me is horrifying and is very frightening to me,
I am going to continue to ask, through the police and the court and the church and everyone possible,
for Jane Fisher to be withdrawn from intervening in my life,
I am terrified of a future like a minefield of Jane Fisher interventions.
you are only lying to yourselves when you make out that what you have done and are doing is anything to do with helping me.
please let me know that fisher will be withdrawn.
As you may have noticed, I am not writing much at the moment, just because I am tired, got tired from writing, unable to break through the trauma to write some of it, and also had other things going on in life that I need to sort out.
I wish I could have some sort of assurance, after all this time that the Diocese of Winchester wont suddenly come back into my life and harm me again, that assurance would be the very most helpful thing for me.
Then I could focus on the rebuild that is taking so much energy.
I will do a little memories post later, fractured memories of Jersey while I cannot write the more traumatic things.
I wish I could have some sort of assurance, after all this time that the Diocese of Winchester wont suddenly come back into my life and harm me again, that assurance would be the very most helpful thing for me.
Then I could focus on the rebuild that is taking so much energy.
I will do a little memories post later, fractured memories of Jersey while I cannot write the more traumatic things.
Friday 7 February 2014
As you can see, I am not really blogging at the moment, this is mainly because I am tired, and partly because I need to rest, even God did when He invented the world.
Another reason is that, as I said before, I try not to write when I am upset or angry, because I can get carried away by emotion, which doesn't help.
This is being tweeted, the church of england are the stars at closing rank:
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/feb/06/catholic-church-scandal-army-nhs-police
Another reason is that, as I said before, I try not to write when I am upset or angry, because I can get carried away by emotion, which doesn't help.
This is being tweeted, the church of england are the stars at closing rank:
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/feb/06/catholic-church-scandal-army-nhs-police
Wednesday 5 February 2014
The one good thing
Well, I haven't been blogging today, so people are fussing.
Why don't I do a quick post, I am drafting one, will post tomorrow, but let me share this.
The past year has been awful, the past five years have been awful.
But one good thing has come out of the past year.
I have met and spoken to and talked to on twitter, on the blogs and by email, the most wonderful people, I have made new friends and heard from other survivors, and that has enriched my life and encouraged me.
The Jersey bloggers are inspirational and unique, I bet there isn't another group of determined bloggers like them anywhere.
The people who speak to me by email and twitter, those who have offered me support, and those who are survivors who know how hard it is to get justice, it has helped me to know that I am not alone.
I really appreciate the support and am enriched by it. Bless you all, you are the One Good Thing that has come out of all this terrible mess.
Why don't I do a quick post, I am drafting one, will post tomorrow, but let me share this.
The past year has been awful, the past five years have been awful.
But one good thing has come out of the past year.
I have met and spoken to and talked to on twitter, on the blogs and by email, the most wonderful people, I have made new friends and heard from other survivors, and that has enriched my life and encouraged me.
The Jersey bloggers are inspirational and unique, I bet there isn't another group of determined bloggers like them anywhere.
The people who speak to me by email and twitter, those who have offered me support, and those who are survivors who know how hard it is to get justice, it has helped me to know that I am not alone.
I really appreciate the support and am enriched by it. Bless you all, you are the One Good Thing that has come out of all this terrible mess.
incongruent
Has anyone noticed the Diocese of Winchester's habit of saying nothing until Luther-Pendragon hands them an incongruent and irrelevant statement that doesn't mesh because Luther-Pendragon are not the Diocese, not the Deanery and not HG?
Hm, yeah, I just noticed, slow on the uptake.
Hm, yeah, I just noticed, slow on the uptake.
Tuesday 4 February 2014
proud?
Someone asked if I was proud to have caused such upheaval in the Church.
Heehee, nooo, I am not supposed to have pride, because I am a Catholic. Anyway, I did not cause this to happen. The Church's employees did all of this all by themselves.
But anyway, I will either be proud or dead when the Church of England collapses in it's own proud and archaic and abusive dust, I don't know that it will be me alone that causes that, but I will support anyone who would like to challenge the Church of England as unfit for purpose.
Heehee, nooo, I am not supposed to have pride, because I am a Catholic. Anyway, I did not cause this to happen. The Church's employees did all of this all by themselves.
But anyway, I will either be proud or dead when the Church of England collapses in it's own proud and archaic and abusive dust, I don't know that it will be me alone that causes that, but I will support anyone who would like to challenge the Church of England as unfit for purpose.
psychology (anything and everything, Peter, not worth you reading)
The Church of England's destroyal of me affects me in so many ways, but I was just thinking about Rosie's helpful comments on the other blog.
She talks about church and sense of worth, and it developed into a discussion.
As I have mentioned somewhere on this blog, before I fled the Diocese of Winchester, my identity was enmeshed with the church of england and had been since I was young and vulnerable and fresh out of the cult environment that I grew up in.
As I moved on, I discovered other churches and other ways, within and outside of the church of england.
I learned that I am me and the church is the church, the church is supposed to be there in order for me to worship God, but it falls short in many ways, many times, church easily becomes exclusive and judgemental when taken over by older well off people, who devote their time and money and thus become invaluable, but who do things their way and can leave lesser mortals feeling marginalized.
I have been on a learning journey during my life homeless and on the road, and have learned only last year that a lot of my problems relating to people stem from attachment disorder, and thus I do not relate to people well, or God, or church, or myself.
I now see a therapist for this, when I can afford to.
But anyway, my relationship with God is disordered because it has been entwined with different forms of abuse and neglect since I was a baby.
I do not relate to myself well because I have not been treated in a reliable predictable way as I grew up, and have been labelled, branded and villified by the church since I first came into contact with them. So I carry a burden of self-loathing and guilt and shame, because I have been blamed and villfied for every abuse I have ever suffered and the way I am as a result.
I do not relate well to people for the same reasons.
And I do not relate well to church, church is a source of panic, fear, distress and anger, but most Sundays, as long as I am given space, I calm these feelings and can get along quite well.
Although on my journeys I have had many church people talking behind their hands about me, trying to take over my life, scornful of me and my way of life, telling me I needed to ask God for forgiveness in order to get off the streets, told that I needed to 'move on' from what had happened to me, or that I needed to move on, full stop.
It is incredible what people who 'run' churches can do and still consider themselves righteous and close to God, a classic example is the woman in Winchester who was openly slandering me to another person when I overheard her, she was repeating back what the diocese of Winchester had said, about me being mad and bad, but did not know when I challenged her, that I was autistic and had been abused.
She puffed herself up and claimed that SHE was VERY CLOSE TO JESUS, while I WAS JUST A NASTY VIOLENT PERSON.
Now these repeated damages have left me angry and raw, although I have moved on, but I have also suffered a number of men trying to be 'pastoral' to me in churches and crossing boundaries while I was homeless, and each time I put a very angry stop to it, too angry, because each time, I left that church and told them off, because I still do not know how to be assertive or stop abuse properly, I feel both that I have no rights because of the record that the diocese have given me, and also that I will not be believed by anyone, or respected if I set boundaries, so I both warn such men, because I don't want them to do it again, and I leave forever. This has made life worse for me, but I have no doubt that if the diocese were able to keep tracing me, they would use such things against me in their reports without my side of things, as usual.
People in the church, such as Senator Bailhache, do not appear to believe someone can be abused more than once, but the fact is that a lone vulnerable female is very easily abused, especially if she has no family and craves comfort.
I have to say that I am safe with regards to church now and am not abused or in danger of abuse and no-one attempts close pastoral care, which is and always has been disasterous for me because of the attachment disorder.
My relationship with the church now is more mature although I am still not assertive, I do not allow close pastoral care, I slate any unsolicited interference, because no matter how old or well off church elders are, they do not have rights over other people's lives, and sometimes they need to be told that, because their interventions can be harmful.
Church is there for me to worship in, and in the event of anyone making it hard for me to worship, I leave and attend another church, in the event of diocesan intervention, I leave and attend elsewhere and slate anyone who treats me badly as a result of the diocese of winchester.
That is how far I have got with my relationship with the church. I currently worship with both the Catholic Church and another church, I like Catholic morals but despise 'religeon' and any abuse, cover up or lack of support for victims, I also worship elsewhere as I am an ecumenical Catholic and like to woship without the religeon, although I do enjoy Mass, saying that, Mass is closest to the church of england atmosphere and can trigger flashbacks.
In conclusion, I am glad I broke free from the choking grip of being a church of england 'brand' and started to become 'me' after so many years, it has been liberating and interesting, especially to see different styles and ways of worship, and to see similarity and difference, for example any denomination can have a good or bad church, a healthy or unhealthy church, a welcoming or exclusive church, and I can choose and sample and also always return to Mass and Confession, as well as being alone with God, although events have strained our relationship.
Anyway, that is just some thoughts.
She talks about church and sense of worth, and it developed into a discussion.
As I have mentioned somewhere on this blog, before I fled the Diocese of Winchester, my identity was enmeshed with the church of england and had been since I was young and vulnerable and fresh out of the cult environment that I grew up in.
As I moved on, I discovered other churches and other ways, within and outside of the church of england.
I learned that I am me and the church is the church, the church is supposed to be there in order for me to worship God, but it falls short in many ways, many times, church easily becomes exclusive and judgemental when taken over by older well off people, who devote their time and money and thus become invaluable, but who do things their way and can leave lesser mortals feeling marginalized.
I have been on a learning journey during my life homeless and on the road, and have learned only last year that a lot of my problems relating to people stem from attachment disorder, and thus I do not relate to people well, or God, or church, or myself.
I now see a therapist for this, when I can afford to.
But anyway, my relationship with God is disordered because it has been entwined with different forms of abuse and neglect since I was a baby.
I do not relate to myself well because I have not been treated in a reliable predictable way as I grew up, and have been labelled, branded and villified by the church since I first came into contact with them. So I carry a burden of self-loathing and guilt and shame, because I have been blamed and villfied for every abuse I have ever suffered and the way I am as a result.
I do not relate well to people for the same reasons.
And I do not relate well to church, church is a source of panic, fear, distress and anger, but most Sundays, as long as I am given space, I calm these feelings and can get along quite well.
Although on my journeys I have had many church people talking behind their hands about me, trying to take over my life, scornful of me and my way of life, telling me I needed to ask God for forgiveness in order to get off the streets, told that I needed to 'move on' from what had happened to me, or that I needed to move on, full stop.
It is incredible what people who 'run' churches can do and still consider themselves righteous and close to God, a classic example is the woman in Winchester who was openly slandering me to another person when I overheard her, she was repeating back what the diocese of Winchester had said, about me being mad and bad, but did not know when I challenged her, that I was autistic and had been abused.
She puffed herself up and claimed that SHE was VERY CLOSE TO JESUS, while I WAS JUST A NASTY VIOLENT PERSON.
Now these repeated damages have left me angry and raw, although I have moved on, but I have also suffered a number of men trying to be 'pastoral' to me in churches and crossing boundaries while I was homeless, and each time I put a very angry stop to it, too angry, because each time, I left that church and told them off, because I still do not know how to be assertive or stop abuse properly, I feel both that I have no rights because of the record that the diocese have given me, and also that I will not be believed by anyone, or respected if I set boundaries, so I both warn such men, because I don't want them to do it again, and I leave forever. This has made life worse for me, but I have no doubt that if the diocese were able to keep tracing me, they would use such things against me in their reports without my side of things, as usual.
People in the church, such as Senator Bailhache, do not appear to believe someone can be abused more than once, but the fact is that a lone vulnerable female is very easily abused, especially if she has no family and craves comfort.
I have to say that I am safe with regards to church now and am not abused or in danger of abuse and no-one attempts close pastoral care, which is and always has been disasterous for me because of the attachment disorder.
My relationship with the church now is more mature although I am still not assertive, I do not allow close pastoral care, I slate any unsolicited interference, because no matter how old or well off church elders are, they do not have rights over other people's lives, and sometimes they need to be told that, because their interventions can be harmful.
Church is there for me to worship in, and in the event of anyone making it hard for me to worship, I leave and attend another church, in the event of diocesan intervention, I leave and attend elsewhere and slate anyone who treats me badly as a result of the diocese of winchester.
That is how far I have got with my relationship with the church. I currently worship with both the Catholic Church and another church, I like Catholic morals but despise 'religeon' and any abuse, cover up or lack of support for victims, I also worship elsewhere as I am an ecumenical Catholic and like to woship without the religeon, although I do enjoy Mass, saying that, Mass is closest to the church of england atmosphere and can trigger flashbacks.
In conclusion, I am glad I broke free from the choking grip of being a church of england 'brand' and started to become 'me' after so many years, it has been liberating and interesting, especially to see different styles and ways of worship, and to see similarity and difference, for example any denomination can have a good or bad church, a healthy or unhealthy church, a welcoming or exclusive church, and I can choose and sample and also always return to Mass and Confession, as well as being alone with God, although events have strained our relationship.
Anyway, that is just some thoughts.
Monday 3 February 2014
An email to Jane Fisher
Email to Jane Fisher, posted on my blog:
Dear Jane Fisher,
Dear Jane Fisher,
I have had a very difficult day, with flashbacks to traumas associated with you.
As you may have noticed, this was posted on my blog recently, from a historic email that you sent to me:
I know the Dean does not disbelieve what you have said. Nor does he side with **** The Dean is in a difficult position in that he too has to work within the procedures that govern the church. The Dean hasn't sided with **** or against you. He has to make sure that he is neutral so he can make any decisions or recommend any action without being biased. If that has seemed to you to be taking ****'s side against you I am sorry - and that really isn't the case.
I have to ask then, why exactly did the Diocese suspend and then clear the Dean? If you considered him to be neutral?
If you did not consider the Dean seeing the abuser first and later in conversations with you and Martyn, rubbishing my complaint to be biased, then why, in March last year, did you publicly launch on him and me and wreck my life again?
It remains a mystery.
As you may have realised, I currently live indoors, but am unlikely to be able to keep living indoors.
This is because:
- I have daily flashbacks to what you have done to harm me, and it makes life very hard
- Because of the record that you got me, I cannot work, be a useful part of society or belong anywhere properly
- I am purposeless and without any hope of quality of life or usefulness in society, living on the streets gave me the purpose of survival and the joy of freedom and my companions on the road
- I am now isolated, directionless, suffering the full horror of what you have done to harm me, in poverty and barely able to keep myself fed and pay the rent
- There is simply nothing here, this is not Jersey, where I had work, education and community roles, and those things cannot be brought back after three years of homelessness, police brutality and a record that I will never learn to live with, and which will leave me vulnerable to police and medical misenterpretation for the rest of my life
- Last year, before you launched on me and wrecked my life, I was building towards being able to do some form of work, as I will not be allowed to remain on ESA forever, sadly, your onslaught, and I say yours because there is no doubt that this mess originates from you, has left me broken and useless, and facing the transfer to JSA and the hell of hunting for jobs and not getting any because what employer in their right mind would take someone disabled, just off the streets, severely disturbed and with the record you have given me? I am not fit for work, nor will I be able to subsist on JSA and keep a roof over my head. Had you and your diocese not launched on me, I think I would have been able to go self-employed, maybe as a cleaner or something, because my body is too damaged to return to my trade as a gardener. The other problem with JSA is that I would lose my benefits every week through sanctions as I cannot use a phone properly.
What you did to me in getting me a police record because you didn't deal with my complaint, was not justice, because you didn't also face trial for your wrongs and were dishonest about me to police, courts and others, and it was not punishment, I mean, what 'safeguarding director' would punish a destroyed abuse survivor for her reaction to the 'safeguarding director's refusal to deal with a complaint?
You ruined me, and you ruined me to cover your and the Bishop's wrongs, you upheld Bob Key in his action against me and let him lie to a court of (sic) law,
The extract of your email above is a part of the bigger reason I went mad, you constantly denied my complaint and protected the wrongdoers and villified me in the church, I knew what had happened to me, and you cannot tell someone with autism that what happened to them did not.
I remember, and it is all conveniently totally missed out of the Korris report, how you refused to engage with my complaint that the Dean had called me wicked and said I wasn't abused, you, and Tracy who you liased with, and Lou scott-Joynt, tried to excuse it for being about me turning up at the Deanery, no excuse at all, and Bob Key lied to the police and court that I turned up swearing and shouting, when I did not, I went to the Deanery when Lou Scott-Joynt said 'Oh, what has Bob done?' as if he had done nothing wrong in the first place, just as your email above implies.
So many lies and misconducts from church employees, and not one has faced justice, while I have faced utter ruin. You are responsible for this and for taking responsibility for what you have done, so until you stop and reverse the harm to me and take responsibility for yourself, you should not be in the position that you are in.
The thing with all these investigations is, they are not real because they have protected you and not taken my evidence, I have much more than the email above, but no-one has asked to see them, because from the Korris report onwards it was not about me or any vulnerable person, it was about back-covering, self-glorification by the church, and constitutional issues in Jersey, otherwise a proper account of you provoking me would have been included, and you would have been suspended and investigated instead of allowing to influence the investigation and encourage Bishop Dakin to treat me like dirt.
You consistently denied and refused to acknowledge my complaints, you made me out to be paranoid.
But if Bob key was doing everything right and was neutral, why exactly did you publicly launch on him?
And, if the Jersey Deanery's side of things, that Bob Key met the abuser first and then me because I was harassing the abuser, then why did you allow Bob key to continue to be involved if he had taken their case? Because that is a conflict of interests that not even you can justify.
You tried to get me to meet with Key again in that same email of which the extract above is from, why? in light of you accusing him of not following procedure last year, why did you want me to meet with him then, by which time you knew that he wasn't following correct procedure and had rubbished my complaint in communication with you and Martyn, and yet, just as you did and continued to do throughout my time in Jersey, you rubbished me.
And this has ended up with me on death row, no quality of life, in fear of you and the Diocese again and being forced on by you and the Diocese again, while being villified by the Jersey Deanery, basically no change from 2008-2011, except that you cannot dub me as mad any more, you are being watched by many people because of the almighty public mess, you have left me truly ruined and a lot weaker in mind and body than before, and I am pretty much on death row, nothing to live for and waiting for more unbalanced back-covering reports that will further ruin me.
And no doubt you can explain it all away, on earth, yes, but God will not forgive you when you say your lines, and when you get to heaven you will be the one one facing court with no voice, as God sentences you for taking me life, because you have. You are just lucky you will never be thrown to the ground by the police and dragged by the scruff of your neck, exposing you and choking you, God has no need for the senseless brutality that you have had inflicted on me.
links
I have been sent links to Dylan Farrow's story.
The denial of abuse and the attitude that people in positions of fame and responsibility and people with connections can't abuse, is almost as damaging to victims as the abuse itself.
The refusal of the police to prosecute high-profile alleged offenders, and the way victims, who are psychologically harmed by abuse, can be treated as mad and bad, is terrible.
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/02/opinion/sunday/kristof-dylan-farrows-story.html?ref=nicholasdkristof&_r=0
http://kristof.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/02/01/an-open-letter-from-dylan-farrow/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=0
The denial of abuse and the attitude that people in positions of fame and responsibility and people with connections can't abuse, is almost as damaging to victims as the abuse itself.
The refusal of the police to prosecute high-profile alleged offenders, and the way victims, who are psychologically harmed by abuse, can be treated as mad and bad, is terrible.
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/02/opinion/sunday/kristof-dylan-farrows-story.html?ref=nicholasdkristof&_r=0
http://kristof.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/02/01/an-open-letter-from-dylan-farrow/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=0
Questions on blog
It is good to see that people are both asking questions and understanding things, this post on the other blog has been interesting for questions and answers, and when you ask questions and get answers, it helps everyone to understand better, even me.
http://lifeafterthediocese.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/saturday-5am.html?showComment=1391462486736#c5153982671497397939
http://lifeafterthediocese.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/saturday-5am.html?showComment=1391462486736#c5153982671497397939
Church and State
Church and State http://churchandstate.org.uk/2014/02/get-bishops-out-of-our-law-making/
Sunday 2 February 2014
screaming
I feel like screaming. Screaming at the Diocese
'why have you reabused me and had me publicly flogged again?'
'why did you publicly attack the Jersey Deanery so that they publicly flogged me?'
'why did you bow to the Jersey Deanery?'
'Why have you let me go on suffering?'
'Why have you not arranged for my side of things to be included in any investigation?'
'Why are you leaving me ruined and waiting for your inaccurate reports which omit my side, to be published?'
'why did you think arranging 'help' for me without my consent was anything other than a violation and re-abuse?'
The problem is, you can scream anything you like at those Godless people, and they don't care and never will.
Which is why they had me destroyed before.
'why have you reabused me and had me publicly flogged again?'
'why did you publicly attack the Jersey Deanery so that they publicly flogged me?'
'why did you bow to the Jersey Deanery?'
'Why have you let me go on suffering?'
'Why have you not arranged for my side of things to be included in any investigation?'
'Why are you leaving me ruined and waiting for your inaccurate reports which omit my side, to be published?'
'why did you think arranging 'help' for me without my consent was anything other than a violation and re-abuse?'
The problem is, you can scream anything you like at those Godless people, and they don't care and never will.
Which is why they had me destroyed before.
Why?
Another question to add to previous ones.
Why, if I was a mad bad troublemaker, did the Churchwarden work so hard to get me to stay in Jersey?
When did I become a mad bad troublemaker?
After all, by the time I was finishing my first job in Jersey and looking to move on to France, the Churchwarden and his wife and the Vicar and his wife and the church had known me for several months, and even at the time the Vicar's wife was saying I needed to settle and stay in Jersey and make a home.
Things changed when I started reacting to what the churchwarden was doing, and he began to discuss me behind my back with the Vicar and wife when I was living at his house, and they would speak to him and not me, after that time I went to them and said that he had told me that people in church were talking about him and me, and the Vicar said he would put a stop to it, and that 'it tended to be certain people', and then later the churchwarden said he had told the Vicar that everything was ok,
even then that puzzled me, why had he upset me by saying people were talking, and then told the Vicar that things were ok? And why did the Vicar and his wife stop speaking to me then?
Why, if I was a mad bad troublemaker, did the Churchwarden work so hard to get me to stay in Jersey?
When did I become a mad bad troublemaker?
After all, by the time I was finishing my first job in Jersey and looking to move on to France, the Churchwarden and his wife and the Vicar and his wife and the church had known me for several months, and even at the time the Vicar's wife was saying I needed to settle and stay in Jersey and make a home.
Things changed when I started reacting to what the churchwarden was doing, and he began to discuss me behind my back with the Vicar and wife when I was living at his house, and they would speak to him and not me, after that time I went to them and said that he had told me that people in church were talking about him and me, and the Vicar said he would put a stop to it, and that 'it tended to be certain people', and then later the churchwarden said he had told the Vicar that everything was ok,
even then that puzzled me, why had he upset me by saying people were talking, and then told the Vicar that things were ok? And why did the Vicar and his wife stop speaking to me then?
The last of the general posts from 'Homeless' - the next step is to start sharing my story, which I wrote on 'Homeless'
25/10/2011
my teeshirt is dirty with stains on it, my clothes are beginning to smell, I need a good shower and tidy up.
Thankfully I found my nailclippers and brush buried in the backpack yesterday and trimmed and scrubbed my dirty nails so they are neat and clean, and I brush my teeth even without toothpaste.
please tell me if my comparisons in the following ongoing poem are bitter, it's just something I mull over, and it would be interesting for me to see on paper what I think, and I know that those of you who want me to be healed from what has happened might be a bit unsure of this, but healing will take a while yet.
The ongoing differences between Jesus and his teachings and the church and their way of doing things:
Jesus was born in poverty and without a proper home,
so was I,
most people in the churches where I was hurt were born into comfortable homes
Jesus was born to his parents alone with no medical help, so was I,
the church people have pictures of mothers and babies in hospitals
that is all they know,
what is Christening? Jesus was baptised as an adult without the frills and showers of gifts that the church Christenings demand and the wealthy who have destroyed me take for granted, I was baptised as an adult by someone who emotionally harmed me, with a witness who sexually abused me, and with two other witnesses who upheld them, my baptism was rushed because of their hurry to have me confirmed into the church,
my baptism wasn't the big family occasion with gifts and a party and drinking and dancing, neither was Jesus's, but probably without exception, the party and gifts were what the people in the church had for their baptisms and their children's baptisms.
That is enough of the poem of comparisons for some time.
It will go on to explain the comparisions between Jesus' teachings and the way the church treated me.
I am reminded of how much the church have restricted and damaged me, and it breaks my heart and leaves me in despair.
I am reminded of how I smell homeless and it makes me sad.
I am reminded of the times when I sat in the college chapel, trying to teach myself grammar from a little book before class, my grammar isn't too good, but I am not sure why, I think maybe my eagerness to talk means I do long convoluted and sometimes slightly confused sentences with too many colons and not enough full stops or semi-colons.
My book that I am looking at in between blogs is called 'Louder than Words', it is about a boy with autism and how his mother tries to get help for him.
I am about to continue the London blog, but some of this is cut and pasted from where I have written it elsewhere, so it may be in a slightly different style.
Here I am wanting to do loads of serious blogging and next to me are three noisy teenagers. I can't control my environment so I will just have to live with it. Sigh.
Oh the teenagers have gone and there are just some elderly gentlemen doing genealogy on the computer next to me. oh no, some noisy children have taken the teenagers' place.
I have been at one of the daycentres for several hours, trying to relax otherwise I end up tense with aching eyes and head.
At the daycentre I had some food and sat and relaxed and did some benefits paperwork and looked through some asthma paperwork. It is hard to just relax, and when I try to I am overwhelmed with bad memories.
I have no food or hot drinks until soup kitchen this evening unless I can get two more stickers for a hot drink.
I thought of so many things to write about but it is really hard to actually settle to write anything while there is so much noise and disruption, maybe half-term should be banned? part of my Asperger's Syndrome is sensetivity to noise, which was a nightmare until I and other people learned about it.
What is it like having Aspergers Syndrome? Well it is difficult, because if I try to 'Normalise' too much I make myself ill and stressed, but the general public find me rather odd because I act and react in an an unexpected way to things, sometimes I simply react differently to someone who is neurotypical, sometimes I react to things other people don't react to. I work really hard to tone down my reactions or explain them, but to try and completely 'normalise' someone with Aspergers Syndrome is simply damaging and painful.
I will be misunderstood and squashed for the rest of my life.
http://www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/autism-and-asperger-syndrome-an-introduction/what-is-asperger-syndrome.aspx
This is a link to the NAS section on Aspergers Syndrome or Asperger Syndrome. I often describe myself as high functioning autistic, as more people know what that is.
Asperger Syndrome for me involves difficulties in communication, understanding social situations and interaction, sensetivities to noise, heat and touch, some autistic behaviours such as rocking, thumb sucking, humming and doing repetetive things. I like a lot of extremely solitary time, and being homeless provides that delightful solitude, but unfortunately the tearing horrifying memories of the church ruin that solitude, so I have to have lifelines such as the Samaritans and Hopeline and the abuse helplines.
One of my Asperger eccentricities is toys, I find it hard to resist toys, hence the toy giraffe hitching a ride on my backpack, another thing that fascinates me is animals, animals of all kinds. I am always delighted with the wildlife that keeps me company as I sleep rough, apart from if it bites me or steals my food!
I speak less than is expected, I am very quiet in conversation, though on paper I can be very talkative and use big words that make people expect more of me verbally.
what more can I say, I am and always will be, slightly at odds with the world, not deliberately, and I will always be hurt by this difference, the church really used my inability to understand and cope when they destroyed me, they used it against me as strongly as they could in all departments, to make me out to be mad when I was distressed, to cover their own wrongs, to make things work their way, I was unable to cope with any of the church actions, from the defence and cover up of abuse and abusers to the attacks on me and my life and character.
There is a nice little book called 'Stand up for Autism' by Georgina Derbyshire, which is about her son who had High Functioning Autism, he was on a similar spectrum to me, varying between quite autistic and quite normal and he got into all sorts of muddles just as I do and have.
The other book that comes to mind when I think of abuse and cover ups is 'Broken', by Shy Keenan, her abusers always got to make out that she was a bad girl and that they hadn't done anything wrong, cover ups while she suffered and suffered.
It is a bit of a harrowing story though, if you ever get to read it.
Anyway, excuse me a minute, I am going to sign out, I can't write anything about the church while there is a noisy fidgety child next to me, I am sure children need to be in school more, I am sure half term is a bad idea.
22/10/2011 titled PAIN
I am trying to write about what has happened to me in order, but sometimes I want to get the terrible things that have been said and done out of my head.
Can I share some things with you in order to help me sleep better?
The person who was supposed to investigate and deal with my complaint of abuse told me that my abusers were 'just Christians who got things wrong', and yet the church leader called me wicked for reporting his friend for abuse.
After the church destroyed me, I managed to re-settle in a new church, until the diocese contacted them and 'told them about me', and the priest came and shouted at me and said he had 'heard about me and what I had done', he had not heard about what I had been through though and when I spoke about it he said he 'couldn't comment because he didn't know anything about it'.
My abusers were not bad mouthed and blackened this way, they were told they were innocent by their friend, the church leader who got away with trying to close my complaint and support them and blacken my name.
My abusers were both accused previous to abusing me, one of abusing his own daughter and one of misconduct in a pastoral care role in a previous church that led to him being sacked from that role, and yet both these men were in positions in the church where they were able to prey on me.
preying, a speciality of the church. A place where vulnerable people go to seek shelter, and a place where abusers go to find vulnerable people and to gain power
21/10/2011
can I just share some things before I have to log off and go out into the cold?
some of the things that hurt and distress me every day (and this is the very tip of the iceberg)
The way church leaders lied and protected my abusers
The way I was called wicked and malicious and a troublemaker and a liar by the church
The way that the church brought false accusations against me rather than accept any responsibility for their actions and behaviours, the way they blamed and criminalised me.
The way they took my whole life from me and pretended that they were only caring and concerned, and made me out to be insane.
That is all I have time to write today, I am now going out into the cold dark world that I live and sleep in.
20/10/2011
http://www.wearesurvivors.org/?p=670
I know someone who tells me she was satanically abused in the church of England.
The problem is that she has mental health problems, problems get labels from Borderline personality disorder to paranoid schitzophrenia. She threatens violence and does very severe things, she is into druidism and spells.
The problem for me is that I know what it is like to be disbelieved, I know what it is like to be labelled insane, and for all I know, her behaviour could be because of the abuse, as my own wild anger and bizarre responses to the pressure from the church was, I am declared free from serious mental illness though, and I don't threaten lives.
what should I do? believe her? It is hard to get any solid consistant details from her, or worry that I am feeding a fantasy if I support her?
19/10/2011
There are things I try not to think about:
abuse
things said and done
my lack of car and driving licence and how the church took both
my lack of bank account, also gone because of the church making me homeless
the terrible things that the church have said and done and denied
the lack of money and lack of future
the fact that the people who have hurt me and the people who have supported the hurters have got away with it
Dad's death
Anne's death - my friend who died after the diocese had driven a wedge between me and her
what G.P. has done - G.P was a close friend of my Dad and family, and last year he was arrested on child kidnap and porn charges, and there is no doubt he did those things but I hadn't known he was that kind of guy, neither had my Dad, I think other members of the family did. (G.P. was a close family friend who was arrested while the Diocese were destroying me).
my family
my background
the millions of repercussions from what the church have done to me
how useless and ashamed and worthless I am, especially with the church labels
Thats enough for now.
19/10/2011 extract
If the church see this blog, I can imagine they will try to close it down, even though I am writing it in a way that does not overstep anything legal as far as I know, though I have been mistaken about that in the past.
18/10/2011 Memories - this appears to be the first post written on 'Homeless' -previous to that there was the paper journal.
Memories:
Every day is full is memories, I try not to let it be, I live in a stupor where memories are not allowed, but they break through anyway, flashes of memories, memories of my brothers tormenting me, my sister sneering at me from her position of a year older than me and not autistic, memories of the endless trauma and violence and abuse and stress of our childhood on the move and outcast from society, memories, memories,
memories of the beautiful fields of my homecounty and the wonderful agricultural and horticultural work that I did, memories of being cuddled into my adoptive mother's arms, and her jealous husband's violent temper and abuse of me, memories of my efforts to be a good and useful person in the community and the church,
memories of my former counsellor, the steadiest and most insightful and kind person I have met, memories of struggles to look after myself and make ends meet, and my failures and debts, memories of being back in college and back to working on farms, memories of the days when I began to see a future, memories of the sea and the boats and being surrounded by friends and beginning to have quality of life, memories of abuse and collapse and the whole world going dark, the memories I try hardest to drown out, the memories that are hardest to drown out.
please save me I am falling here, I am lost and alone.
my teeshirt is dirty with stains on it, my clothes are beginning to smell, I need a good shower and tidy up.
Thankfully I found my nailclippers and brush buried in the backpack yesterday and trimmed and scrubbed my dirty nails so they are neat and clean, and I brush my teeth even without toothpaste.
please tell me if my comparisons in the following ongoing poem are bitter, it's just something I mull over, and it would be interesting for me to see on paper what I think, and I know that those of you who want me to be healed from what has happened might be a bit unsure of this, but healing will take a while yet.
The ongoing differences between Jesus and his teachings and the church and their way of doing things:
Jesus was born in poverty and without a proper home,
so was I,
most people in the churches where I was hurt were born into comfortable homes
Jesus was born to his parents alone with no medical help, so was I,
the church people have pictures of mothers and babies in hospitals
that is all they know,
what is Christening? Jesus was baptised as an adult without the frills and showers of gifts that the church Christenings demand and the wealthy who have destroyed me take for granted, I was baptised as an adult by someone who emotionally harmed me, with a witness who sexually abused me, and with two other witnesses who upheld them, my baptism was rushed because of their hurry to have me confirmed into the church,
my baptism wasn't the big family occasion with gifts and a party and drinking and dancing, neither was Jesus's, but probably without exception, the party and gifts were what the people in the church had for their baptisms and their children's baptisms.
That is enough of the poem of comparisons for some time.
It will go on to explain the comparisions between Jesus' teachings and the way the church treated me.
I am reminded of how much the church have restricted and damaged me, and it breaks my heart and leaves me in despair.
I am reminded of how I smell homeless and it makes me sad.
I am reminded of the times when I sat in the college chapel, trying to teach myself grammar from a little book before class, my grammar isn't too good, but I am not sure why, I think maybe my eagerness to talk means I do long convoluted and sometimes slightly confused sentences with too many colons and not enough full stops or semi-colons.
My book that I am looking at in between blogs is called 'Louder than Words', it is about a boy with autism and how his mother tries to get help for him.
I am about to continue the London blog, but some of this is cut and pasted from where I have written it elsewhere, so it may be in a slightly different style.
Here I am wanting to do loads of serious blogging and next to me are three noisy teenagers. I can't control my environment so I will just have to live with it. Sigh.
Oh the teenagers have gone and there are just some elderly gentlemen doing genealogy on the computer next to me. oh no, some noisy children have taken the teenagers' place.
I have been at one of the daycentres for several hours, trying to relax otherwise I end up tense with aching eyes and head.
At the daycentre I had some food and sat and relaxed and did some benefits paperwork and looked through some asthma paperwork. It is hard to just relax, and when I try to I am overwhelmed with bad memories.
I have no food or hot drinks until soup kitchen this evening unless I can get two more stickers for a hot drink.
I thought of so many things to write about but it is really hard to actually settle to write anything while there is so much noise and disruption, maybe half-term should be banned? part of my Asperger's Syndrome is sensetivity to noise, which was a nightmare until I and other people learned about it.
What is it like having Aspergers Syndrome? Well it is difficult, because if I try to 'Normalise' too much I make myself ill and stressed, but the general public find me rather odd because I act and react in an an unexpected way to things, sometimes I simply react differently to someone who is neurotypical, sometimes I react to things other people don't react to. I work really hard to tone down my reactions or explain them, but to try and completely 'normalise' someone with Aspergers Syndrome is simply damaging and painful.
I will be misunderstood and squashed for the rest of my life.
http://www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/autism-and-asperger-syndrome-an-introduction/what-is-asperger-syndrome.aspx
This is a link to the NAS section on Aspergers Syndrome or Asperger Syndrome. I often describe myself as high functioning autistic, as more people know what that is.
Asperger Syndrome for me involves difficulties in communication, understanding social situations and interaction, sensetivities to noise, heat and touch, some autistic behaviours such as rocking, thumb sucking, humming and doing repetetive things. I like a lot of extremely solitary time, and being homeless provides that delightful solitude, but unfortunately the tearing horrifying memories of the church ruin that solitude, so I have to have lifelines such as the Samaritans and Hopeline and the abuse helplines.
One of my Asperger eccentricities is toys, I find it hard to resist toys, hence the toy giraffe hitching a ride on my backpack, another thing that fascinates me is animals, animals of all kinds. I am always delighted with the wildlife that keeps me company as I sleep rough, apart from if it bites me or steals my food!
I speak less than is expected, I am very quiet in conversation, though on paper I can be very talkative and use big words that make people expect more of me verbally.
what more can I say, I am and always will be, slightly at odds with the world, not deliberately, and I will always be hurt by this difference, the church really used my inability to understand and cope when they destroyed me, they used it against me as strongly as they could in all departments, to make me out to be mad when I was distressed, to cover their own wrongs, to make things work their way, I was unable to cope with any of the church actions, from the defence and cover up of abuse and abusers to the attacks on me and my life and character.
There is a nice little book called 'Stand up for Autism' by Georgina Derbyshire, which is about her son who had High Functioning Autism, he was on a similar spectrum to me, varying between quite autistic and quite normal and he got into all sorts of muddles just as I do and have.
The other book that comes to mind when I think of abuse and cover ups is 'Broken', by Shy Keenan, her abusers always got to make out that she was a bad girl and that they hadn't done anything wrong, cover ups while she suffered and suffered.
It is a bit of a harrowing story though, if you ever get to read it.
Anyway, excuse me a minute, I am going to sign out, I can't write anything about the church while there is a noisy fidgety child next to me, I am sure children need to be in school more, I am sure half term is a bad idea.
22/10/2011 titled PAIN
I am trying to write about what has happened to me in order, but sometimes I want to get the terrible things that have been said and done out of my head.
Can I share some things with you in order to help me sleep better?
The person who was supposed to investigate and deal with my complaint of abuse told me that my abusers were 'just Christians who got things wrong', and yet the church leader called me wicked for reporting his friend for abuse.
After the church destroyed me, I managed to re-settle in a new church, until the diocese contacted them and 'told them about me', and the priest came and shouted at me and said he had 'heard about me and what I had done', he had not heard about what I had been through though and when I spoke about it he said he 'couldn't comment because he didn't know anything about it'.
My abusers were not bad mouthed and blackened this way, they were told they were innocent by their friend, the church leader who got away with trying to close my complaint and support them and blacken my name.
My abusers were both accused previous to abusing me, one of abusing his own daughter and one of misconduct in a pastoral care role in a previous church that led to him being sacked from that role, and yet both these men were in positions in the church where they were able to prey on me.
preying, a speciality of the church. A place where vulnerable people go to seek shelter, and a place where abusers go to find vulnerable people and to gain power
21/10/2011
can I just share some things before I have to log off and go out into the cold?
some of the things that hurt and distress me every day (and this is the very tip of the iceberg)
The way church leaders lied and protected my abusers
The way I was called wicked and malicious and a troublemaker and a liar by the church
The way that the church brought false accusations against me rather than accept any responsibility for their actions and behaviours, the way they blamed and criminalised me.
The way they took my whole life from me and pretended that they were only caring and concerned, and made me out to be insane.
That is all I have time to write today, I am now going out into the cold dark world that I live and sleep in.
20/10/2011
http://www.wearesurvivors.org/?p=670
I know someone who tells me she was satanically abused in the church of England.
The problem is that she has mental health problems, problems get labels from Borderline personality disorder to paranoid schitzophrenia. She threatens violence and does very severe things, she is into druidism and spells.
The problem for me is that I know what it is like to be disbelieved, I know what it is like to be labelled insane, and for all I know, her behaviour could be because of the abuse, as my own wild anger and bizarre responses to the pressure from the church was, I am declared free from serious mental illness though, and I don't threaten lives.
what should I do? believe her? It is hard to get any solid consistant details from her, or worry that I am feeding a fantasy if I support her?
19/10/2011
There are things I try not to think about:
abuse
things said and done
my lack of car and driving licence and how the church took both
my lack of bank account, also gone because of the church making me homeless
the terrible things that the church have said and done and denied
the lack of money and lack of future
the fact that the people who have hurt me and the people who have supported the hurters have got away with it
Dad's death
Anne's death - my friend who died after the diocese had driven a wedge between me and her
what G.P. has done - G.P was a close friend of my Dad and family, and last year he was arrested on child kidnap and porn charges, and there is no doubt he did those things but I hadn't known he was that kind of guy, neither had my Dad, I think other members of the family did. (G.P. was a close family friend who was arrested while the Diocese were destroying me).
my family
my background
the millions of repercussions from what the church have done to me
how useless and ashamed and worthless I am, especially with the church labels
Thats enough for now.
19/10/2011 extract
If the church see this blog, I can imagine they will try to close it down, even though I am writing it in a way that does not overstep anything legal as far as I know, though I have been mistaken about that in the past.
18/10/2011 Memories - this appears to be the first post written on 'Homeless' -previous to that there was the paper journal.
Memories:
Every day is full is memories, I try not to let it be, I live in a stupor where memories are not allowed, but they break through anyway, flashes of memories, memories of my brothers tormenting me, my sister sneering at me from her position of a year older than me and not autistic, memories of the endless trauma and violence and abuse and stress of our childhood on the move and outcast from society, memories, memories,
memories of the beautiful fields of my homecounty and the wonderful agricultural and horticultural work that I did, memories of being cuddled into my adoptive mother's arms, and her jealous husband's violent temper and abuse of me, memories of my efforts to be a good and useful person in the community and the church,
memories of my former counsellor, the steadiest and most insightful and kind person I have met, memories of struggles to look after myself and make ends meet, and my failures and debts, memories of being back in college and back to working on farms, memories of the days when I began to see a future, memories of the sea and the boats and being surrounded by friends and beginning to have quality of life, memories of abuse and collapse and the whole world going dark, the memories I try hardest to drown out, the memories that are hardest to drown out.
please save me I am falling here, I am lost and alone.
I am just transferring old posts off 'Homeless' these are only about how I was suffering, I will start transferring my full story soon
14/11/2011
I just started crying, I am condemned by the church forever, no-one ever has or ever will call the church and clergy to account or do anything about what they do and what they get away with, and I will never recover from what they have done.
14/11/2011 I feel so useless, when does this nightmare end? why won't God let me die and be out of this nightmare?
13/11/2011
I am trying to ignore the bad feelings, usually being tired and sleepy helps to drown them out, so that is what I am doing.
I feel so utterly useless and beaten.
I feel that I will always be vulnerable because of the church.
I feel that life will always be too full of bad triggers to be worthwhile.
12/11/2011
I feel so useless tonight, too many memories, I feel so worthless, and I wish I could get a psychologist to analyse what I have written and will write and tell me what they think.
Drowning in hopelessness, I have to stop writing 17+ for the moment.
About four years ago I had a car, a place to live, I had friends, I had a future, maybe. I had happy memories and sea and adoptive family and some sort of happiness. I struggled with life, but I never imagined that I would end up condemned and without a future.
Now I sleep outdoors in the dark with horrifying and distressing memories bothering me, and no future.
I have nothing to live for and there is no way of changing that. I have no car or licence, I have no bank account and no money, I have no identity, the only ID I have is my passport which isn't fully English, and my records. I am condemned, I am gagged, I am in pain that until someone calls the church to account and releases me from condemnation, I will never be free from.
what are my memories? I try to block memories, but they are all I have, because who I am, who I was is in those memories, I am no longer, but I cannot go back and collect myself and make everything fine again, as if it was ever perfectly fine.
I remember being a young child and being scared and abused, seeing violence and feeling harsh punishments, I remember being on the move all the time, I remember the hostile press and the hysteria, I remember the violence and hostility, I remember my sister being assaulted, the violence in the hostel, the nightmare of the small house and trying to go to school aged 8 and not fitting in, the endless moving on, the hardship, the anger, the violence, the depression, the crazy religeon, the homelessness, the shame and poverty and ragged clothes, the missing out on all the good things, the escape from the family and attempt to sort myself out and do better, the struggles, the failures, the abuse, the condemnation of the church, the destroyal of what I ha tried to build of a life, and the shame as the church continued to harm me after destroying me, and how they blamed me for reacting and denied responsibility.
what hope is there? that is thirty years of fighting against the tide, all the good ambitions I had, honest hard work, hope for healing and a good safe home and family is gone, my career and home and everything I lived for, and the little bit of quality of life that I gained, are gone, there is nothing, and no way of rebuilding it. I cannot live indoors or remove the terrible one sided story that the church have placed there, the bad record they have given me, I am helpless and lost and too damaged to ever heal.
03/11/2011
I end up with my head raging about the way that the church have treated me and the things they have done.
It is no good raging, and it is no good remembering everything I have lost. No one is going to help me or bring the church to account.
well this is a crash into despair and depression.
I am trying to see a way out of it. Sometimes I can't keep all the bad memories and injustice locked in, sometimes I can't cope with the church condemning me.
I went to a church last night but it was not a friendly church, more of a talk behind their hands because I'm homeless church.
I went to the Samaritans and they tend to be very good, I saw someone I had seen before, and he is very understanding and encouraging.
Why don't I have an online church for abuse survivors and outcasts?
It is a struggle to deal with the clocks changing, it means more time waiting for bedtime in the evening, and more time waiting for the library to open in the morning.
Last night was a night of distresses and bad memories, between my family and the church I feel like the worst person in the world.
It rained enough in the early hours to wake me up, and as I slept again I was woken up by a rat trying to get into my backpack, my backpack is pillow, so having a rat right by my head was not too amusing, but when I shone my torch on it it reluctantly moved off, and when I threw gravel at it it reluctantly moved further off, the gravel sparked as I threw it, I suppose it does that in the dark.
I am not scared of rats but they are destructive and germ ridden and I don't want my food eaten by them or my backpack damaged, fortunately this backpack is rat-proof.
I got up early as it got light early and went to the market, it is really hard to be up early with nothing to do until the library opens, I had several cups of tea and a good wash and change of clothes, and went round the bins collecting stickers.
I found nearly a whole pizza in the bin yesterday, I think that was what the rat was after.
Am I the bad person? my family aren't there for me, and the church condemn my life.
I feel so useless, I wish God would let my life end.
Abuse takes the beauty out of beautiful scenery, it takes away smiles and laughter, it isolates people, it shames people, it takes hopes and bright futures. Abuse is bad, and so much abuse is denied at the expense of the victim.
The ongoing Poem of Comparisons:
who are these people who abused you?
Christians?
well a Christian is a follower of Christ,
and did he abuse or advocate it?
who are these people who called you mad?
Christians?
did Jesus condemn madness and use it to cover his tracks?
did he wrongly accuse anyone as madness?
no, he helped legion and didn't blame him
Who are these peopel who called you wicked, a liar, mad and all those other terrible things?
Christians?
when did Jesus do this? when did he advocate it? Never, it was done to Him
these people who have done these things are covering up their own wrongdoing
at such a price to the one they do it to
just as they did to Jesus when He shamed them
who are these people, in their big houses and so surrounded by wealth and good
that they have no understanding of poverty and pain? and yet for show they claim to help the poor?
Christians?
Jesus was homeless and had nothing,
he was scorned and crucified by the people who claimed to be teachers of God's law
think about that and think about who is writing this
Jesus died in pain and agony, who are these people who suffer nothing and live in luxury?
Christians?
did Jesus work in an organization that puts out it's hands for money, hires out it's places of worship for money and lives behind lawyers, advisers and safeguarding?
Jesus turned the tables over in the temple in anger
but the church conveniently erases that, interprets that as they like
and despises and looks down on people like me, who struggle to build a better life out of poverty
The unforgiving church destroyed me for my distress and speaking out
are these people Christians?
Jesus taught forgiveness but the church in the strong position preferred harsh punishments
just as they had Jesus crucified thousands of years ago.
just as they crucified me, though I am no-one, just a thorn in their side
extract from 28/10/2011
I want to tell you about the church and what has happened and my feelings, but it all just sits inside and hurts, the church really did gag me, they complately rubbished me, and my feeble faltering voice won't work any more, I just live with the pain and anger inside me.
I just started crying, I am condemned by the church forever, no-one ever has or ever will call the church and clergy to account or do anything about what they do and what they get away with, and I will never recover from what they have done.
14/11/2011 I feel so useless, when does this nightmare end? why won't God let me die and be out of this nightmare?
13/11/2011
I am trying to ignore the bad feelings, usually being tired and sleepy helps to drown them out, so that is what I am doing.
I feel so utterly useless and beaten.
I feel that I will always be vulnerable because of the church.
I feel that life will always be too full of bad triggers to be worthwhile.
12/11/2011
I feel so useless tonight, too many memories, I feel so worthless, and I wish I could get a psychologist to analyse what I have written and will write and tell me what they think.
Drowning in hopelessness, I have to stop writing 17+ for the moment.
About four years ago I had a car, a place to live, I had friends, I had a future, maybe. I had happy memories and sea and adoptive family and some sort of happiness. I struggled with life, but I never imagined that I would end up condemned and without a future.
Now I sleep outdoors in the dark with horrifying and distressing memories bothering me, and no future.
I have nothing to live for and there is no way of changing that. I have no car or licence, I have no bank account and no money, I have no identity, the only ID I have is my passport which isn't fully English, and my records. I am condemned, I am gagged, I am in pain that until someone calls the church to account and releases me from condemnation, I will never be free from.
what are my memories? I try to block memories, but they are all I have, because who I am, who I was is in those memories, I am no longer, but I cannot go back and collect myself and make everything fine again, as if it was ever perfectly fine.
I remember being a young child and being scared and abused, seeing violence and feeling harsh punishments, I remember being on the move all the time, I remember the hostile press and the hysteria, I remember the violence and hostility, I remember my sister being assaulted, the violence in the hostel, the nightmare of the small house and trying to go to school aged 8 and not fitting in, the endless moving on, the hardship, the anger, the violence, the depression, the crazy religeon, the homelessness, the shame and poverty and ragged clothes, the missing out on all the good things, the escape from the family and attempt to sort myself out and do better, the struggles, the failures, the abuse, the condemnation of the church, the destroyal of what I ha tried to build of a life, and the shame as the church continued to harm me after destroying me, and how they blamed me for reacting and denied responsibility.
what hope is there? that is thirty years of fighting against the tide, all the good ambitions I had, honest hard work, hope for healing and a good safe home and family is gone, my career and home and everything I lived for, and the little bit of quality of life that I gained, are gone, there is nothing, and no way of rebuilding it. I cannot live indoors or remove the terrible one sided story that the church have placed there, the bad record they have given me, I am helpless and lost and too damaged to ever heal.
03/11/2011
I end up with my head raging about the way that the church have treated me and the things they have done.
It is no good raging, and it is no good remembering everything I have lost. No one is going to help me or bring the church to account.
well this is a crash into despair and depression.
I am trying to see a way out of it. Sometimes I can't keep all the bad memories and injustice locked in, sometimes I can't cope with the church condemning me.
I went to a church last night but it was not a friendly church, more of a talk behind their hands because I'm homeless church.
I went to the Samaritans and they tend to be very good, I saw someone I had seen before, and he is very understanding and encouraging.
Why don't I have an online church for abuse survivors and outcasts?
It is a struggle to deal with the clocks changing, it means more time waiting for bedtime in the evening, and more time waiting for the library to open in the morning.
Last night was a night of distresses and bad memories, between my family and the church I feel like the worst person in the world.
It rained enough in the early hours to wake me up, and as I slept again I was woken up by a rat trying to get into my backpack, my backpack is pillow, so having a rat right by my head was not too amusing, but when I shone my torch on it it reluctantly moved off, and when I threw gravel at it it reluctantly moved further off, the gravel sparked as I threw it, I suppose it does that in the dark.
I am not scared of rats but they are destructive and germ ridden and I don't want my food eaten by them or my backpack damaged, fortunately this backpack is rat-proof.
I got up early as it got light early and went to the market, it is really hard to be up early with nothing to do until the library opens, I had several cups of tea and a good wash and change of clothes, and went round the bins collecting stickers.
I found nearly a whole pizza in the bin yesterday, I think that was what the rat was after.
Am I the bad person? my family aren't there for me, and the church condemn my life.
I feel so useless, I wish God would let my life end.
Abuse takes the beauty out of beautiful scenery, it takes away smiles and laughter, it isolates people, it shames people, it takes hopes and bright futures. Abuse is bad, and so much abuse is denied at the expense of the victim.
The ongoing Poem of Comparisons:
who are these people who abused you?
Christians?
well a Christian is a follower of Christ,
and did he abuse or advocate it?
who are these people who called you mad?
Christians?
did Jesus condemn madness and use it to cover his tracks?
did he wrongly accuse anyone as madness?
no, he helped legion and didn't blame him
Who are these peopel who called you wicked, a liar, mad and all those other terrible things?
Christians?
when did Jesus do this? when did he advocate it? Never, it was done to Him
these people who have done these things are covering up their own wrongdoing
at such a price to the one they do it to
just as they did to Jesus when He shamed them
who are these people, in their big houses and so surrounded by wealth and good
that they have no understanding of poverty and pain? and yet for show they claim to help the poor?
Christians?
Jesus was homeless and had nothing,
he was scorned and crucified by the people who claimed to be teachers of God's law
think about that and think about who is writing this
Jesus died in pain and agony, who are these people who suffer nothing and live in luxury?
Christians?
did Jesus work in an organization that puts out it's hands for money, hires out it's places of worship for money and lives behind lawyers, advisers and safeguarding?
Jesus turned the tables over in the temple in anger
but the church conveniently erases that, interprets that as they like
and despises and looks down on people like me, who struggle to build a better life out of poverty
The unforgiving church destroyed me for my distress and speaking out
are these people Christians?
Jesus taught forgiveness but the church in the strong position preferred harsh punishments
just as they had Jesus crucified thousands of years ago.
just as they crucified me, though I am no-one, just a thorn in their side
extract from 28/10/2011
I want to tell you about the church and what has happened and my feelings, but it all just sits inside and hurts, the church really did gag me, they complately rubbished me, and my feeble faltering voice won't work any more, I just live with the pain and anger inside me.
Irish examiner
This report is on twitter this morning
://www.irishexaminer.com/lifestyle/features/the-big-read-the-dark-side-of-a-golden-isle-257278.html#.Uu44iutLX5Q.twitter
Cut and paste as my links don't work any more.
://www.irishexaminer.com/lifestyle/features/the-big-read-the-dark-side-of-a-golden-isle-257278.html#.Uu44iutLX5Q.twitter
Cut and paste as my links don't work any more.
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