As you can see, I am not really blogging at the moment, this is mainly because I am tired, and partly because I need to rest, even God did when He invented the world.
Another reason is that, as I said before, I try not to write when I am upset or angry, because I can get carried away by emotion, which doesn't help.
This is being tweeted, the church of england are the stars at closing rank:
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/feb/06/catholic-church-scandal-army-nhs-police
Friday 7 February 2014
Wednesday 5 February 2014
The one good thing
Well, I haven't been blogging today, so people are fussing.
Why don't I do a quick post, I am drafting one, will post tomorrow, but let me share this.
The past year has been awful, the past five years have been awful.
But one good thing has come out of the past year.
I have met and spoken to and talked to on twitter, on the blogs and by email, the most wonderful people, I have made new friends and heard from other survivors, and that has enriched my life and encouraged me.
The Jersey bloggers are inspirational and unique, I bet there isn't another group of determined bloggers like them anywhere.
The people who speak to me by email and twitter, those who have offered me support, and those who are survivors who know how hard it is to get justice, it has helped me to know that I am not alone.
I really appreciate the support and am enriched by it. Bless you all, you are the One Good Thing that has come out of all this terrible mess.
Why don't I do a quick post, I am drafting one, will post tomorrow, but let me share this.
The past year has been awful, the past five years have been awful.
But one good thing has come out of the past year.
I have met and spoken to and talked to on twitter, on the blogs and by email, the most wonderful people, I have made new friends and heard from other survivors, and that has enriched my life and encouraged me.
The Jersey bloggers are inspirational and unique, I bet there isn't another group of determined bloggers like them anywhere.
The people who speak to me by email and twitter, those who have offered me support, and those who are survivors who know how hard it is to get justice, it has helped me to know that I am not alone.
I really appreciate the support and am enriched by it. Bless you all, you are the One Good Thing that has come out of all this terrible mess.
incongruent
Has anyone noticed the Diocese of Winchester's habit of saying nothing until Luther-Pendragon hands them an incongruent and irrelevant statement that doesn't mesh because Luther-Pendragon are not the Diocese, not the Deanery and not HG?
Hm, yeah, I just noticed, slow on the uptake.
Hm, yeah, I just noticed, slow on the uptake.
Tuesday 4 February 2014
proud?
Someone asked if I was proud to have caused such upheaval in the Church.
Heehee, nooo, I am not supposed to have pride, because I am a Catholic. Anyway, I did not cause this to happen. The Church's employees did all of this all by themselves.
But anyway, I will either be proud or dead when the Church of England collapses in it's own proud and archaic and abusive dust, I don't know that it will be me alone that causes that, but I will support anyone who would like to challenge the Church of England as unfit for purpose.
Heehee, nooo, I am not supposed to have pride, because I am a Catholic. Anyway, I did not cause this to happen. The Church's employees did all of this all by themselves.
But anyway, I will either be proud or dead when the Church of England collapses in it's own proud and archaic and abusive dust, I don't know that it will be me alone that causes that, but I will support anyone who would like to challenge the Church of England as unfit for purpose.
psychology (anything and everything, Peter, not worth you reading)
The Church of England's destroyal of me affects me in so many ways, but I was just thinking about Rosie's helpful comments on the other blog.
She talks about church and sense of worth, and it developed into a discussion.
As I have mentioned somewhere on this blog, before I fled the Diocese of Winchester, my identity was enmeshed with the church of england and had been since I was young and vulnerable and fresh out of the cult environment that I grew up in.
As I moved on, I discovered other churches and other ways, within and outside of the church of england.
I learned that I am me and the church is the church, the church is supposed to be there in order for me to worship God, but it falls short in many ways, many times, church easily becomes exclusive and judgemental when taken over by older well off people, who devote their time and money and thus become invaluable, but who do things their way and can leave lesser mortals feeling marginalized.
I have been on a learning journey during my life homeless and on the road, and have learned only last year that a lot of my problems relating to people stem from attachment disorder, and thus I do not relate to people well, or God, or church, or myself.
I now see a therapist for this, when I can afford to.
But anyway, my relationship with God is disordered because it has been entwined with different forms of abuse and neglect since I was a baby.
I do not relate to myself well because I have not been treated in a reliable predictable way as I grew up, and have been labelled, branded and villified by the church since I first came into contact with them. So I carry a burden of self-loathing and guilt and shame, because I have been blamed and villfied for every abuse I have ever suffered and the way I am as a result.
I do not relate well to people for the same reasons.
And I do not relate well to church, church is a source of panic, fear, distress and anger, but most Sundays, as long as I am given space, I calm these feelings and can get along quite well.
Although on my journeys I have had many church people talking behind their hands about me, trying to take over my life, scornful of me and my way of life, telling me I needed to ask God for forgiveness in order to get off the streets, told that I needed to 'move on' from what had happened to me, or that I needed to move on, full stop.
It is incredible what people who 'run' churches can do and still consider themselves righteous and close to God, a classic example is the woman in Winchester who was openly slandering me to another person when I overheard her, she was repeating back what the diocese of Winchester had said, about me being mad and bad, but did not know when I challenged her, that I was autistic and had been abused.
She puffed herself up and claimed that SHE was VERY CLOSE TO JESUS, while I WAS JUST A NASTY VIOLENT PERSON.
Now these repeated damages have left me angry and raw, although I have moved on, but I have also suffered a number of men trying to be 'pastoral' to me in churches and crossing boundaries while I was homeless, and each time I put a very angry stop to it, too angry, because each time, I left that church and told them off, because I still do not know how to be assertive or stop abuse properly, I feel both that I have no rights because of the record that the diocese have given me, and also that I will not be believed by anyone, or respected if I set boundaries, so I both warn such men, because I don't want them to do it again, and I leave forever. This has made life worse for me, but I have no doubt that if the diocese were able to keep tracing me, they would use such things against me in their reports without my side of things, as usual.
People in the church, such as Senator Bailhache, do not appear to believe someone can be abused more than once, but the fact is that a lone vulnerable female is very easily abused, especially if she has no family and craves comfort.
I have to say that I am safe with regards to church now and am not abused or in danger of abuse and no-one attempts close pastoral care, which is and always has been disasterous for me because of the attachment disorder.
My relationship with the church now is more mature although I am still not assertive, I do not allow close pastoral care, I slate any unsolicited interference, because no matter how old or well off church elders are, they do not have rights over other people's lives, and sometimes they need to be told that, because their interventions can be harmful.
Church is there for me to worship in, and in the event of anyone making it hard for me to worship, I leave and attend another church, in the event of diocesan intervention, I leave and attend elsewhere and slate anyone who treats me badly as a result of the diocese of winchester.
That is how far I have got with my relationship with the church. I currently worship with both the Catholic Church and another church, I like Catholic morals but despise 'religeon' and any abuse, cover up or lack of support for victims, I also worship elsewhere as I am an ecumenical Catholic and like to woship without the religeon, although I do enjoy Mass, saying that, Mass is closest to the church of england atmosphere and can trigger flashbacks.
In conclusion, I am glad I broke free from the choking grip of being a church of england 'brand' and started to become 'me' after so many years, it has been liberating and interesting, especially to see different styles and ways of worship, and to see similarity and difference, for example any denomination can have a good or bad church, a healthy or unhealthy church, a welcoming or exclusive church, and I can choose and sample and also always return to Mass and Confession, as well as being alone with God, although events have strained our relationship.
Anyway, that is just some thoughts.
She talks about church and sense of worth, and it developed into a discussion.
As I have mentioned somewhere on this blog, before I fled the Diocese of Winchester, my identity was enmeshed with the church of england and had been since I was young and vulnerable and fresh out of the cult environment that I grew up in.
As I moved on, I discovered other churches and other ways, within and outside of the church of england.
I learned that I am me and the church is the church, the church is supposed to be there in order for me to worship God, but it falls short in many ways, many times, church easily becomes exclusive and judgemental when taken over by older well off people, who devote their time and money and thus become invaluable, but who do things their way and can leave lesser mortals feeling marginalized.
I have been on a learning journey during my life homeless and on the road, and have learned only last year that a lot of my problems relating to people stem from attachment disorder, and thus I do not relate to people well, or God, or church, or myself.
I now see a therapist for this, when I can afford to.
But anyway, my relationship with God is disordered because it has been entwined with different forms of abuse and neglect since I was a baby.
I do not relate to myself well because I have not been treated in a reliable predictable way as I grew up, and have been labelled, branded and villified by the church since I first came into contact with them. So I carry a burden of self-loathing and guilt and shame, because I have been blamed and villfied for every abuse I have ever suffered and the way I am as a result.
I do not relate well to people for the same reasons.
And I do not relate well to church, church is a source of panic, fear, distress and anger, but most Sundays, as long as I am given space, I calm these feelings and can get along quite well.
Although on my journeys I have had many church people talking behind their hands about me, trying to take over my life, scornful of me and my way of life, telling me I needed to ask God for forgiveness in order to get off the streets, told that I needed to 'move on' from what had happened to me, or that I needed to move on, full stop.
It is incredible what people who 'run' churches can do and still consider themselves righteous and close to God, a classic example is the woman in Winchester who was openly slandering me to another person when I overheard her, she was repeating back what the diocese of Winchester had said, about me being mad and bad, but did not know when I challenged her, that I was autistic and had been abused.
She puffed herself up and claimed that SHE was VERY CLOSE TO JESUS, while I WAS JUST A NASTY VIOLENT PERSON.
Now these repeated damages have left me angry and raw, although I have moved on, but I have also suffered a number of men trying to be 'pastoral' to me in churches and crossing boundaries while I was homeless, and each time I put a very angry stop to it, too angry, because each time, I left that church and told them off, because I still do not know how to be assertive or stop abuse properly, I feel both that I have no rights because of the record that the diocese have given me, and also that I will not be believed by anyone, or respected if I set boundaries, so I both warn such men, because I don't want them to do it again, and I leave forever. This has made life worse for me, but I have no doubt that if the diocese were able to keep tracing me, they would use such things against me in their reports without my side of things, as usual.
People in the church, such as Senator Bailhache, do not appear to believe someone can be abused more than once, but the fact is that a lone vulnerable female is very easily abused, especially if she has no family and craves comfort.
I have to say that I am safe with regards to church now and am not abused or in danger of abuse and no-one attempts close pastoral care, which is and always has been disasterous for me because of the attachment disorder.
My relationship with the church now is more mature although I am still not assertive, I do not allow close pastoral care, I slate any unsolicited interference, because no matter how old or well off church elders are, they do not have rights over other people's lives, and sometimes they need to be told that, because their interventions can be harmful.
Church is there for me to worship in, and in the event of anyone making it hard for me to worship, I leave and attend another church, in the event of diocesan intervention, I leave and attend elsewhere and slate anyone who treats me badly as a result of the diocese of winchester.
That is how far I have got with my relationship with the church. I currently worship with both the Catholic Church and another church, I like Catholic morals but despise 'religeon' and any abuse, cover up or lack of support for victims, I also worship elsewhere as I am an ecumenical Catholic and like to woship without the religeon, although I do enjoy Mass, saying that, Mass is closest to the church of england atmosphere and can trigger flashbacks.
In conclusion, I am glad I broke free from the choking grip of being a church of england 'brand' and started to become 'me' after so many years, it has been liberating and interesting, especially to see different styles and ways of worship, and to see similarity and difference, for example any denomination can have a good or bad church, a healthy or unhealthy church, a welcoming or exclusive church, and I can choose and sample and also always return to Mass and Confession, as well as being alone with God, although events have strained our relationship.
Anyway, that is just some thoughts.
Monday 3 February 2014
An email to Jane Fisher
Email to Jane Fisher, posted on my blog:
Dear Jane Fisher,
Dear Jane Fisher,
I have had a very difficult day, with flashbacks to traumas associated with you.
As you may have noticed, this was posted on my blog recently, from a historic email that you sent to me:
I know the Dean does not disbelieve what you have said. Nor does he side with **** The Dean is in a difficult position in that he too has to work within the procedures that govern the church. The Dean hasn't sided with **** or against you. He has to make sure that he is neutral so he can make any decisions or recommend any action without being biased. If that has seemed to you to be taking ****'s side against you I am sorry - and that really isn't the case.
I have to ask then, why exactly did the Diocese suspend and then clear the Dean? If you considered him to be neutral?
If you did not consider the Dean seeing the abuser first and later in conversations with you and Martyn, rubbishing my complaint to be biased, then why, in March last year, did you publicly launch on him and me and wreck my life again?
It remains a mystery.
As you may have realised, I currently live indoors, but am unlikely to be able to keep living indoors.
This is because:
- I have daily flashbacks to what you have done to harm me, and it makes life very hard
- Because of the record that you got me, I cannot work, be a useful part of society or belong anywhere properly
- I am purposeless and without any hope of quality of life or usefulness in society, living on the streets gave me the purpose of survival and the joy of freedom and my companions on the road
- I am now isolated, directionless, suffering the full horror of what you have done to harm me, in poverty and barely able to keep myself fed and pay the rent
- There is simply nothing here, this is not Jersey, where I had work, education and community roles, and those things cannot be brought back after three years of homelessness, police brutality and a record that I will never learn to live with, and which will leave me vulnerable to police and medical misenterpretation for the rest of my life
- Last year, before you launched on me and wrecked my life, I was building towards being able to do some form of work, as I will not be allowed to remain on ESA forever, sadly, your onslaught, and I say yours because there is no doubt that this mess originates from you, has left me broken and useless, and facing the transfer to JSA and the hell of hunting for jobs and not getting any because what employer in their right mind would take someone disabled, just off the streets, severely disturbed and with the record you have given me? I am not fit for work, nor will I be able to subsist on JSA and keep a roof over my head. Had you and your diocese not launched on me, I think I would have been able to go self-employed, maybe as a cleaner or something, because my body is too damaged to return to my trade as a gardener. The other problem with JSA is that I would lose my benefits every week through sanctions as I cannot use a phone properly.
What you did to me in getting me a police record because you didn't deal with my complaint, was not justice, because you didn't also face trial for your wrongs and were dishonest about me to police, courts and others, and it was not punishment, I mean, what 'safeguarding director' would punish a destroyed abuse survivor for her reaction to the 'safeguarding director's refusal to deal with a complaint?
You ruined me, and you ruined me to cover your and the Bishop's wrongs, you upheld Bob Key in his action against me and let him lie to a court of (sic) law,
The extract of your email above is a part of the bigger reason I went mad, you constantly denied my complaint and protected the wrongdoers and villified me in the church, I knew what had happened to me, and you cannot tell someone with autism that what happened to them did not.
I remember, and it is all conveniently totally missed out of the Korris report, how you refused to engage with my complaint that the Dean had called me wicked and said I wasn't abused, you, and Tracy who you liased with, and Lou scott-Joynt, tried to excuse it for being about me turning up at the Deanery, no excuse at all, and Bob Key lied to the police and court that I turned up swearing and shouting, when I did not, I went to the Deanery when Lou Scott-Joynt said 'Oh, what has Bob done?' as if he had done nothing wrong in the first place, just as your email above implies.
So many lies and misconducts from church employees, and not one has faced justice, while I have faced utter ruin. You are responsible for this and for taking responsibility for what you have done, so until you stop and reverse the harm to me and take responsibility for yourself, you should not be in the position that you are in.
The thing with all these investigations is, they are not real because they have protected you and not taken my evidence, I have much more than the email above, but no-one has asked to see them, because from the Korris report onwards it was not about me or any vulnerable person, it was about back-covering, self-glorification by the church, and constitutional issues in Jersey, otherwise a proper account of you provoking me would have been included, and you would have been suspended and investigated instead of allowing to influence the investigation and encourage Bishop Dakin to treat me like dirt.
You consistently denied and refused to acknowledge my complaints, you made me out to be paranoid.
But if Bob key was doing everything right and was neutral, why exactly did you publicly launch on him?
And, if the Jersey Deanery's side of things, that Bob Key met the abuser first and then me because I was harassing the abuser, then why did you allow Bob key to continue to be involved if he had taken their case? Because that is a conflict of interests that not even you can justify.
You tried to get me to meet with Key again in that same email of which the extract above is from, why? in light of you accusing him of not following procedure last year, why did you want me to meet with him then, by which time you knew that he wasn't following correct procedure and had rubbished my complaint in communication with you and Martyn, and yet, just as you did and continued to do throughout my time in Jersey, you rubbished me.
And this has ended up with me on death row, no quality of life, in fear of you and the Diocese again and being forced on by you and the Diocese again, while being villified by the Jersey Deanery, basically no change from 2008-2011, except that you cannot dub me as mad any more, you are being watched by many people because of the almighty public mess, you have left me truly ruined and a lot weaker in mind and body than before, and I am pretty much on death row, nothing to live for and waiting for more unbalanced back-covering reports that will further ruin me.
And no doubt you can explain it all away, on earth, yes, but God will not forgive you when you say your lines, and when you get to heaven you will be the one one facing court with no voice, as God sentences you for taking me life, because you have. You are just lucky you will never be thrown to the ground by the police and dragged by the scruff of your neck, exposing you and choking you, God has no need for the senseless brutality that you have had inflicted on me.
links
I have been sent links to Dylan Farrow's story.
The denial of abuse and the attitude that people in positions of fame and responsibility and people with connections can't abuse, is almost as damaging to victims as the abuse itself.
The refusal of the police to prosecute high-profile alleged offenders, and the way victims, who are psychologically harmed by abuse, can be treated as mad and bad, is terrible.
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/02/opinion/sunday/kristof-dylan-farrows-story.html?ref=nicholasdkristof&_r=0
http://kristof.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/02/01/an-open-letter-from-dylan-farrow/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=0
The denial of abuse and the attitude that people in positions of fame and responsibility and people with connections can't abuse, is almost as damaging to victims as the abuse itself.
The refusal of the police to prosecute high-profile alleged offenders, and the way victims, who are psychologically harmed by abuse, can be treated as mad and bad, is terrible.
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/02/opinion/sunday/kristof-dylan-farrows-story.html?ref=nicholasdkristof&_r=0
http://kristof.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/02/01/an-open-letter-from-dylan-farrow/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=0
Questions on blog
It is good to see that people are both asking questions and understanding things, this post on the other blog has been interesting for questions and answers, and when you ask questions and get answers, it helps everyone to understand better, even me.
http://lifeafterthediocese.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/saturday-5am.html?showComment=1391462486736#c5153982671497397939
http://lifeafterthediocese.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/saturday-5am.html?showComment=1391462486736#c5153982671497397939
Church and State
Church and State http://churchandstate.org.uk/2014/02/get-bishops-out-of-our-law-making/
Sunday 2 February 2014
screaming
I feel like screaming. Screaming at the Diocese
'why have you reabused me and had me publicly flogged again?'
'why did you publicly attack the Jersey Deanery so that they publicly flogged me?'
'why did you bow to the Jersey Deanery?'
'Why have you let me go on suffering?'
'Why have you not arranged for my side of things to be included in any investigation?'
'Why are you leaving me ruined and waiting for your inaccurate reports which omit my side, to be published?'
'why did you think arranging 'help' for me without my consent was anything other than a violation and re-abuse?'
The problem is, you can scream anything you like at those Godless people, and they don't care and never will.
Which is why they had me destroyed before.
'why have you reabused me and had me publicly flogged again?'
'why did you publicly attack the Jersey Deanery so that they publicly flogged me?'
'why did you bow to the Jersey Deanery?'
'Why have you let me go on suffering?'
'Why have you not arranged for my side of things to be included in any investigation?'
'Why are you leaving me ruined and waiting for your inaccurate reports which omit my side, to be published?'
'why did you think arranging 'help' for me without my consent was anything other than a violation and re-abuse?'
The problem is, you can scream anything you like at those Godless people, and they don't care and never will.
Which is why they had me destroyed before.
Why?
Another question to add to previous ones.
Why, if I was a mad bad troublemaker, did the Churchwarden work so hard to get me to stay in Jersey?
When did I become a mad bad troublemaker?
After all, by the time I was finishing my first job in Jersey and looking to move on to France, the Churchwarden and his wife and the Vicar and his wife and the church had known me for several months, and even at the time the Vicar's wife was saying I needed to settle and stay in Jersey and make a home.
Things changed when I started reacting to what the churchwarden was doing, and he began to discuss me behind my back with the Vicar and wife when I was living at his house, and they would speak to him and not me, after that time I went to them and said that he had told me that people in church were talking about him and me, and the Vicar said he would put a stop to it, and that 'it tended to be certain people', and then later the churchwarden said he had told the Vicar that everything was ok,
even then that puzzled me, why had he upset me by saying people were talking, and then told the Vicar that things were ok? And why did the Vicar and his wife stop speaking to me then?
Why, if I was a mad bad troublemaker, did the Churchwarden work so hard to get me to stay in Jersey?
When did I become a mad bad troublemaker?
After all, by the time I was finishing my first job in Jersey and looking to move on to France, the Churchwarden and his wife and the Vicar and his wife and the church had known me for several months, and even at the time the Vicar's wife was saying I needed to settle and stay in Jersey and make a home.
Things changed when I started reacting to what the churchwarden was doing, and he began to discuss me behind my back with the Vicar and wife when I was living at his house, and they would speak to him and not me, after that time I went to them and said that he had told me that people in church were talking about him and me, and the Vicar said he would put a stop to it, and that 'it tended to be certain people', and then later the churchwarden said he had told the Vicar that everything was ok,
even then that puzzled me, why had he upset me by saying people were talking, and then told the Vicar that things were ok? And why did the Vicar and his wife stop speaking to me then?
The last of the general posts from 'Homeless' - the next step is to start sharing my story, which I wrote on 'Homeless'
25/10/2011
my teeshirt is dirty with stains on it, my clothes are beginning to smell, I need a good shower and tidy up.
Thankfully I found my nailclippers and brush buried in the backpack yesterday and trimmed and scrubbed my dirty nails so they are neat and clean, and I brush my teeth even without toothpaste.
please tell me if my comparisons in the following ongoing poem are bitter, it's just something I mull over, and it would be interesting for me to see on paper what I think, and I know that those of you who want me to be healed from what has happened might be a bit unsure of this, but healing will take a while yet.
The ongoing differences between Jesus and his teachings and the church and their way of doing things:
Jesus was born in poverty and without a proper home,
so was I,
most people in the churches where I was hurt were born into comfortable homes
Jesus was born to his parents alone with no medical help, so was I,
the church people have pictures of mothers and babies in hospitals
that is all they know,
what is Christening? Jesus was baptised as an adult without the frills and showers of gifts that the church Christenings demand and the wealthy who have destroyed me take for granted, I was baptised as an adult by someone who emotionally harmed me, with a witness who sexually abused me, and with two other witnesses who upheld them, my baptism was rushed because of their hurry to have me confirmed into the church,
my baptism wasn't the big family occasion with gifts and a party and drinking and dancing, neither was Jesus's, but probably without exception, the party and gifts were what the people in the church had for their baptisms and their children's baptisms.
That is enough of the poem of comparisons for some time.
It will go on to explain the comparisions between Jesus' teachings and the way the church treated me.
I am reminded of how much the church have restricted and damaged me, and it breaks my heart and leaves me in despair.
I am reminded of how I smell homeless and it makes me sad.
I am reminded of the times when I sat in the college chapel, trying to teach myself grammar from a little book before class, my grammar isn't too good, but I am not sure why, I think maybe my eagerness to talk means I do long convoluted and sometimes slightly confused sentences with too many colons and not enough full stops or semi-colons.
My book that I am looking at in between blogs is called 'Louder than Words', it is about a boy with autism and how his mother tries to get help for him.
I am about to continue the London blog, but some of this is cut and pasted from where I have written it elsewhere, so it may be in a slightly different style.
Here I am wanting to do loads of serious blogging and next to me are three noisy teenagers. I can't control my environment so I will just have to live with it. Sigh.
Oh the teenagers have gone and there are just some elderly gentlemen doing genealogy on the computer next to me. oh no, some noisy children have taken the teenagers' place.
I have been at one of the daycentres for several hours, trying to relax otherwise I end up tense with aching eyes and head.
At the daycentre I had some food and sat and relaxed and did some benefits paperwork and looked through some asthma paperwork. It is hard to just relax, and when I try to I am overwhelmed with bad memories.
I have no food or hot drinks until soup kitchen this evening unless I can get two more stickers for a hot drink.
I thought of so many things to write about but it is really hard to actually settle to write anything while there is so much noise and disruption, maybe half-term should be banned? part of my Asperger's Syndrome is sensetivity to noise, which was a nightmare until I and other people learned about it.
What is it like having Aspergers Syndrome? Well it is difficult, because if I try to 'Normalise' too much I make myself ill and stressed, but the general public find me rather odd because I act and react in an an unexpected way to things, sometimes I simply react differently to someone who is neurotypical, sometimes I react to things other people don't react to. I work really hard to tone down my reactions or explain them, but to try and completely 'normalise' someone with Aspergers Syndrome is simply damaging and painful.
I will be misunderstood and squashed for the rest of my life.
http://www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/autism-and-asperger-syndrome-an-introduction/what-is-asperger-syndrome.aspx
This is a link to the NAS section on Aspergers Syndrome or Asperger Syndrome. I often describe myself as high functioning autistic, as more people know what that is.
Asperger Syndrome for me involves difficulties in communication, understanding social situations and interaction, sensetivities to noise, heat and touch, some autistic behaviours such as rocking, thumb sucking, humming and doing repetetive things. I like a lot of extremely solitary time, and being homeless provides that delightful solitude, but unfortunately the tearing horrifying memories of the church ruin that solitude, so I have to have lifelines such as the Samaritans and Hopeline and the abuse helplines.
One of my Asperger eccentricities is toys, I find it hard to resist toys, hence the toy giraffe hitching a ride on my backpack, another thing that fascinates me is animals, animals of all kinds. I am always delighted with the wildlife that keeps me company as I sleep rough, apart from if it bites me or steals my food!
I speak less than is expected, I am very quiet in conversation, though on paper I can be very talkative and use big words that make people expect more of me verbally.
what more can I say, I am and always will be, slightly at odds with the world, not deliberately, and I will always be hurt by this difference, the church really used my inability to understand and cope when they destroyed me, they used it against me as strongly as they could in all departments, to make me out to be mad when I was distressed, to cover their own wrongs, to make things work their way, I was unable to cope with any of the church actions, from the defence and cover up of abuse and abusers to the attacks on me and my life and character.
There is a nice little book called 'Stand up for Autism' by Georgina Derbyshire, which is about her son who had High Functioning Autism, he was on a similar spectrum to me, varying between quite autistic and quite normal and he got into all sorts of muddles just as I do and have.
The other book that comes to mind when I think of abuse and cover ups is 'Broken', by Shy Keenan, her abusers always got to make out that she was a bad girl and that they hadn't done anything wrong, cover ups while she suffered and suffered.
It is a bit of a harrowing story though, if you ever get to read it.
Anyway, excuse me a minute, I am going to sign out, I can't write anything about the church while there is a noisy fidgety child next to me, I am sure children need to be in school more, I am sure half term is a bad idea.
22/10/2011 titled PAIN
I am trying to write about what has happened to me in order, but sometimes I want to get the terrible things that have been said and done out of my head.
Can I share some things with you in order to help me sleep better?
The person who was supposed to investigate and deal with my complaint of abuse told me that my abusers were 'just Christians who got things wrong', and yet the church leader called me wicked for reporting his friend for abuse.
After the church destroyed me, I managed to re-settle in a new church, until the diocese contacted them and 'told them about me', and the priest came and shouted at me and said he had 'heard about me and what I had done', he had not heard about what I had been through though and when I spoke about it he said he 'couldn't comment because he didn't know anything about it'.
My abusers were not bad mouthed and blackened this way, they were told they were innocent by their friend, the church leader who got away with trying to close my complaint and support them and blacken my name.
My abusers were both accused previous to abusing me, one of abusing his own daughter and one of misconduct in a pastoral care role in a previous church that led to him being sacked from that role, and yet both these men were in positions in the church where they were able to prey on me.
preying, a speciality of the church. A place where vulnerable people go to seek shelter, and a place where abusers go to find vulnerable people and to gain power
21/10/2011
can I just share some things before I have to log off and go out into the cold?
some of the things that hurt and distress me every day (and this is the very tip of the iceberg)
The way church leaders lied and protected my abusers
The way I was called wicked and malicious and a troublemaker and a liar by the church
The way that the church brought false accusations against me rather than accept any responsibility for their actions and behaviours, the way they blamed and criminalised me.
The way they took my whole life from me and pretended that they were only caring and concerned, and made me out to be insane.
That is all I have time to write today, I am now going out into the cold dark world that I live and sleep in.
20/10/2011
http://www.wearesurvivors.org/?p=670
I know someone who tells me she was satanically abused in the church of England.
The problem is that she has mental health problems, problems get labels from Borderline personality disorder to paranoid schitzophrenia. She threatens violence and does very severe things, she is into druidism and spells.
The problem for me is that I know what it is like to be disbelieved, I know what it is like to be labelled insane, and for all I know, her behaviour could be because of the abuse, as my own wild anger and bizarre responses to the pressure from the church was, I am declared free from serious mental illness though, and I don't threaten lives.
what should I do? believe her? It is hard to get any solid consistant details from her, or worry that I am feeding a fantasy if I support her?
19/10/2011
There are things I try not to think about:
abuse
things said and done
my lack of car and driving licence and how the church took both
my lack of bank account, also gone because of the church making me homeless
the terrible things that the church have said and done and denied
the lack of money and lack of future
the fact that the people who have hurt me and the people who have supported the hurters have got away with it
Dad's death
Anne's death - my friend who died after the diocese had driven a wedge between me and her
what G.P. has done - G.P was a close friend of my Dad and family, and last year he was arrested on child kidnap and porn charges, and there is no doubt he did those things but I hadn't known he was that kind of guy, neither had my Dad, I think other members of the family did. (G.P. was a close family friend who was arrested while the Diocese were destroying me).
my family
my background
the millions of repercussions from what the church have done to me
how useless and ashamed and worthless I am, especially with the church labels
Thats enough for now.
19/10/2011 extract
If the church see this blog, I can imagine they will try to close it down, even though I am writing it in a way that does not overstep anything legal as far as I know, though I have been mistaken about that in the past.
18/10/2011 Memories - this appears to be the first post written on 'Homeless' -previous to that there was the paper journal.
Memories:
Every day is full is memories, I try not to let it be, I live in a stupor where memories are not allowed, but they break through anyway, flashes of memories, memories of my brothers tormenting me, my sister sneering at me from her position of a year older than me and not autistic, memories of the endless trauma and violence and abuse and stress of our childhood on the move and outcast from society, memories, memories,
memories of the beautiful fields of my homecounty and the wonderful agricultural and horticultural work that I did, memories of being cuddled into my adoptive mother's arms, and her jealous husband's violent temper and abuse of me, memories of my efforts to be a good and useful person in the community and the church,
memories of my former counsellor, the steadiest and most insightful and kind person I have met, memories of struggles to look after myself and make ends meet, and my failures and debts, memories of being back in college and back to working on farms, memories of the days when I began to see a future, memories of the sea and the boats and being surrounded by friends and beginning to have quality of life, memories of abuse and collapse and the whole world going dark, the memories I try hardest to drown out, the memories that are hardest to drown out.
please save me I am falling here, I am lost and alone.
my teeshirt is dirty with stains on it, my clothes are beginning to smell, I need a good shower and tidy up.
Thankfully I found my nailclippers and brush buried in the backpack yesterday and trimmed and scrubbed my dirty nails so they are neat and clean, and I brush my teeth even without toothpaste.
please tell me if my comparisons in the following ongoing poem are bitter, it's just something I mull over, and it would be interesting for me to see on paper what I think, and I know that those of you who want me to be healed from what has happened might be a bit unsure of this, but healing will take a while yet.
The ongoing differences between Jesus and his teachings and the church and their way of doing things:
Jesus was born in poverty and without a proper home,
so was I,
most people in the churches where I was hurt were born into comfortable homes
Jesus was born to his parents alone with no medical help, so was I,
the church people have pictures of mothers and babies in hospitals
that is all they know,
what is Christening? Jesus was baptised as an adult without the frills and showers of gifts that the church Christenings demand and the wealthy who have destroyed me take for granted, I was baptised as an adult by someone who emotionally harmed me, with a witness who sexually abused me, and with two other witnesses who upheld them, my baptism was rushed because of their hurry to have me confirmed into the church,
my baptism wasn't the big family occasion with gifts and a party and drinking and dancing, neither was Jesus's, but probably without exception, the party and gifts were what the people in the church had for their baptisms and their children's baptisms.
That is enough of the poem of comparisons for some time.
It will go on to explain the comparisions between Jesus' teachings and the way the church treated me.
I am reminded of how much the church have restricted and damaged me, and it breaks my heart and leaves me in despair.
I am reminded of how I smell homeless and it makes me sad.
I am reminded of the times when I sat in the college chapel, trying to teach myself grammar from a little book before class, my grammar isn't too good, but I am not sure why, I think maybe my eagerness to talk means I do long convoluted and sometimes slightly confused sentences with too many colons and not enough full stops or semi-colons.
My book that I am looking at in between blogs is called 'Louder than Words', it is about a boy with autism and how his mother tries to get help for him.
I am about to continue the London blog, but some of this is cut and pasted from where I have written it elsewhere, so it may be in a slightly different style.
Here I am wanting to do loads of serious blogging and next to me are three noisy teenagers. I can't control my environment so I will just have to live with it. Sigh.
Oh the teenagers have gone and there are just some elderly gentlemen doing genealogy on the computer next to me. oh no, some noisy children have taken the teenagers' place.
I have been at one of the daycentres for several hours, trying to relax otherwise I end up tense with aching eyes and head.
At the daycentre I had some food and sat and relaxed and did some benefits paperwork and looked through some asthma paperwork. It is hard to just relax, and when I try to I am overwhelmed with bad memories.
I have no food or hot drinks until soup kitchen this evening unless I can get two more stickers for a hot drink.
I thought of so many things to write about but it is really hard to actually settle to write anything while there is so much noise and disruption, maybe half-term should be banned? part of my Asperger's Syndrome is sensetivity to noise, which was a nightmare until I and other people learned about it.
What is it like having Aspergers Syndrome? Well it is difficult, because if I try to 'Normalise' too much I make myself ill and stressed, but the general public find me rather odd because I act and react in an an unexpected way to things, sometimes I simply react differently to someone who is neurotypical, sometimes I react to things other people don't react to. I work really hard to tone down my reactions or explain them, but to try and completely 'normalise' someone with Aspergers Syndrome is simply damaging and painful.
I will be misunderstood and squashed for the rest of my life.
http://www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/autism-and-asperger-syndrome-an-introduction/what-is-asperger-syndrome.aspx
This is a link to the NAS section on Aspergers Syndrome or Asperger Syndrome. I often describe myself as high functioning autistic, as more people know what that is.
Asperger Syndrome for me involves difficulties in communication, understanding social situations and interaction, sensetivities to noise, heat and touch, some autistic behaviours such as rocking, thumb sucking, humming and doing repetetive things. I like a lot of extremely solitary time, and being homeless provides that delightful solitude, but unfortunately the tearing horrifying memories of the church ruin that solitude, so I have to have lifelines such as the Samaritans and Hopeline and the abuse helplines.
One of my Asperger eccentricities is toys, I find it hard to resist toys, hence the toy giraffe hitching a ride on my backpack, another thing that fascinates me is animals, animals of all kinds. I am always delighted with the wildlife that keeps me company as I sleep rough, apart from if it bites me or steals my food!
I speak less than is expected, I am very quiet in conversation, though on paper I can be very talkative and use big words that make people expect more of me verbally.
what more can I say, I am and always will be, slightly at odds with the world, not deliberately, and I will always be hurt by this difference, the church really used my inability to understand and cope when they destroyed me, they used it against me as strongly as they could in all departments, to make me out to be mad when I was distressed, to cover their own wrongs, to make things work their way, I was unable to cope with any of the church actions, from the defence and cover up of abuse and abusers to the attacks on me and my life and character.
There is a nice little book called 'Stand up for Autism' by Georgina Derbyshire, which is about her son who had High Functioning Autism, he was on a similar spectrum to me, varying between quite autistic and quite normal and he got into all sorts of muddles just as I do and have.
The other book that comes to mind when I think of abuse and cover ups is 'Broken', by Shy Keenan, her abusers always got to make out that she was a bad girl and that they hadn't done anything wrong, cover ups while she suffered and suffered.
It is a bit of a harrowing story though, if you ever get to read it.
Anyway, excuse me a minute, I am going to sign out, I can't write anything about the church while there is a noisy fidgety child next to me, I am sure children need to be in school more, I am sure half term is a bad idea.
22/10/2011 titled PAIN
I am trying to write about what has happened to me in order, but sometimes I want to get the terrible things that have been said and done out of my head.
Can I share some things with you in order to help me sleep better?
The person who was supposed to investigate and deal with my complaint of abuse told me that my abusers were 'just Christians who got things wrong', and yet the church leader called me wicked for reporting his friend for abuse.
After the church destroyed me, I managed to re-settle in a new church, until the diocese contacted them and 'told them about me', and the priest came and shouted at me and said he had 'heard about me and what I had done', he had not heard about what I had been through though and when I spoke about it he said he 'couldn't comment because he didn't know anything about it'.
My abusers were not bad mouthed and blackened this way, they were told they were innocent by their friend, the church leader who got away with trying to close my complaint and support them and blacken my name.
My abusers were both accused previous to abusing me, one of abusing his own daughter and one of misconduct in a pastoral care role in a previous church that led to him being sacked from that role, and yet both these men were in positions in the church where they were able to prey on me.
preying, a speciality of the church. A place where vulnerable people go to seek shelter, and a place where abusers go to find vulnerable people and to gain power
21/10/2011
can I just share some things before I have to log off and go out into the cold?
some of the things that hurt and distress me every day (and this is the very tip of the iceberg)
The way church leaders lied and protected my abusers
The way I was called wicked and malicious and a troublemaker and a liar by the church
The way that the church brought false accusations against me rather than accept any responsibility for their actions and behaviours, the way they blamed and criminalised me.
The way they took my whole life from me and pretended that they were only caring and concerned, and made me out to be insane.
That is all I have time to write today, I am now going out into the cold dark world that I live and sleep in.
20/10/2011
http://www.wearesurvivors.org/?p=670
I know someone who tells me she was satanically abused in the church of England.
The problem is that she has mental health problems, problems get labels from Borderline personality disorder to paranoid schitzophrenia. She threatens violence and does very severe things, she is into druidism and spells.
The problem for me is that I know what it is like to be disbelieved, I know what it is like to be labelled insane, and for all I know, her behaviour could be because of the abuse, as my own wild anger and bizarre responses to the pressure from the church was, I am declared free from serious mental illness though, and I don't threaten lives.
what should I do? believe her? It is hard to get any solid consistant details from her, or worry that I am feeding a fantasy if I support her?
19/10/2011
There are things I try not to think about:
abuse
things said and done
my lack of car and driving licence and how the church took both
my lack of bank account, also gone because of the church making me homeless
the terrible things that the church have said and done and denied
the lack of money and lack of future
the fact that the people who have hurt me and the people who have supported the hurters have got away with it
Dad's death
Anne's death - my friend who died after the diocese had driven a wedge between me and her
what G.P. has done - G.P was a close friend of my Dad and family, and last year he was arrested on child kidnap and porn charges, and there is no doubt he did those things but I hadn't known he was that kind of guy, neither had my Dad, I think other members of the family did. (G.P. was a close family friend who was arrested while the Diocese were destroying me).
my family
my background
the millions of repercussions from what the church have done to me
how useless and ashamed and worthless I am, especially with the church labels
Thats enough for now.
19/10/2011 extract
If the church see this blog, I can imagine they will try to close it down, even though I am writing it in a way that does not overstep anything legal as far as I know, though I have been mistaken about that in the past.
18/10/2011 Memories - this appears to be the first post written on 'Homeless' -previous to that there was the paper journal.
Memories:
Every day is full is memories, I try not to let it be, I live in a stupor where memories are not allowed, but they break through anyway, flashes of memories, memories of my brothers tormenting me, my sister sneering at me from her position of a year older than me and not autistic, memories of the endless trauma and violence and abuse and stress of our childhood on the move and outcast from society, memories, memories,
memories of the beautiful fields of my homecounty and the wonderful agricultural and horticultural work that I did, memories of being cuddled into my adoptive mother's arms, and her jealous husband's violent temper and abuse of me, memories of my efforts to be a good and useful person in the community and the church,
memories of my former counsellor, the steadiest and most insightful and kind person I have met, memories of struggles to look after myself and make ends meet, and my failures and debts, memories of being back in college and back to working on farms, memories of the days when I began to see a future, memories of the sea and the boats and being surrounded by friends and beginning to have quality of life, memories of abuse and collapse and the whole world going dark, the memories I try hardest to drown out, the memories that are hardest to drown out.
please save me I am falling here, I am lost and alone.
I am just transferring old posts off 'Homeless' these are only about how I was suffering, I will start transferring my full story soon
14/11/2011
I just started crying, I am condemned by the church forever, no-one ever has or ever will call the church and clergy to account or do anything about what they do and what they get away with, and I will never recover from what they have done.
14/11/2011 I feel so useless, when does this nightmare end? why won't God let me die and be out of this nightmare?
13/11/2011
I am trying to ignore the bad feelings, usually being tired and sleepy helps to drown them out, so that is what I am doing.
I feel so utterly useless and beaten.
I feel that I will always be vulnerable because of the church.
I feel that life will always be too full of bad triggers to be worthwhile.
12/11/2011
I feel so useless tonight, too many memories, I feel so worthless, and I wish I could get a psychologist to analyse what I have written and will write and tell me what they think.
Drowning in hopelessness, I have to stop writing 17+ for the moment.
About four years ago I had a car, a place to live, I had friends, I had a future, maybe. I had happy memories and sea and adoptive family and some sort of happiness. I struggled with life, but I never imagined that I would end up condemned and without a future.
Now I sleep outdoors in the dark with horrifying and distressing memories bothering me, and no future.
I have nothing to live for and there is no way of changing that. I have no car or licence, I have no bank account and no money, I have no identity, the only ID I have is my passport which isn't fully English, and my records. I am condemned, I am gagged, I am in pain that until someone calls the church to account and releases me from condemnation, I will never be free from.
what are my memories? I try to block memories, but they are all I have, because who I am, who I was is in those memories, I am no longer, but I cannot go back and collect myself and make everything fine again, as if it was ever perfectly fine.
I remember being a young child and being scared and abused, seeing violence and feeling harsh punishments, I remember being on the move all the time, I remember the hostile press and the hysteria, I remember the violence and hostility, I remember my sister being assaulted, the violence in the hostel, the nightmare of the small house and trying to go to school aged 8 and not fitting in, the endless moving on, the hardship, the anger, the violence, the depression, the crazy religeon, the homelessness, the shame and poverty and ragged clothes, the missing out on all the good things, the escape from the family and attempt to sort myself out and do better, the struggles, the failures, the abuse, the condemnation of the church, the destroyal of what I ha tried to build of a life, and the shame as the church continued to harm me after destroying me, and how they blamed me for reacting and denied responsibility.
what hope is there? that is thirty years of fighting against the tide, all the good ambitions I had, honest hard work, hope for healing and a good safe home and family is gone, my career and home and everything I lived for, and the little bit of quality of life that I gained, are gone, there is nothing, and no way of rebuilding it. I cannot live indoors or remove the terrible one sided story that the church have placed there, the bad record they have given me, I am helpless and lost and too damaged to ever heal.
03/11/2011
I end up with my head raging about the way that the church have treated me and the things they have done.
It is no good raging, and it is no good remembering everything I have lost. No one is going to help me or bring the church to account.
well this is a crash into despair and depression.
I am trying to see a way out of it. Sometimes I can't keep all the bad memories and injustice locked in, sometimes I can't cope with the church condemning me.
I went to a church last night but it was not a friendly church, more of a talk behind their hands because I'm homeless church.
I went to the Samaritans and they tend to be very good, I saw someone I had seen before, and he is very understanding and encouraging.
Why don't I have an online church for abuse survivors and outcasts?
It is a struggle to deal with the clocks changing, it means more time waiting for bedtime in the evening, and more time waiting for the library to open in the morning.
Last night was a night of distresses and bad memories, between my family and the church I feel like the worst person in the world.
It rained enough in the early hours to wake me up, and as I slept again I was woken up by a rat trying to get into my backpack, my backpack is pillow, so having a rat right by my head was not too amusing, but when I shone my torch on it it reluctantly moved off, and when I threw gravel at it it reluctantly moved further off, the gravel sparked as I threw it, I suppose it does that in the dark.
I am not scared of rats but they are destructive and germ ridden and I don't want my food eaten by them or my backpack damaged, fortunately this backpack is rat-proof.
I got up early as it got light early and went to the market, it is really hard to be up early with nothing to do until the library opens, I had several cups of tea and a good wash and change of clothes, and went round the bins collecting stickers.
I found nearly a whole pizza in the bin yesterday, I think that was what the rat was after.
Am I the bad person? my family aren't there for me, and the church condemn my life.
I feel so useless, I wish God would let my life end.
Abuse takes the beauty out of beautiful scenery, it takes away smiles and laughter, it isolates people, it shames people, it takes hopes and bright futures. Abuse is bad, and so much abuse is denied at the expense of the victim.
The ongoing Poem of Comparisons:
who are these people who abused you?
Christians?
well a Christian is a follower of Christ,
and did he abuse or advocate it?
who are these people who called you mad?
Christians?
did Jesus condemn madness and use it to cover his tracks?
did he wrongly accuse anyone as madness?
no, he helped legion and didn't blame him
Who are these peopel who called you wicked, a liar, mad and all those other terrible things?
Christians?
when did Jesus do this? when did he advocate it? Never, it was done to Him
these people who have done these things are covering up their own wrongdoing
at such a price to the one they do it to
just as they did to Jesus when He shamed them
who are these people, in their big houses and so surrounded by wealth and good
that they have no understanding of poverty and pain? and yet for show they claim to help the poor?
Christians?
Jesus was homeless and had nothing,
he was scorned and crucified by the people who claimed to be teachers of God's law
think about that and think about who is writing this
Jesus died in pain and agony, who are these people who suffer nothing and live in luxury?
Christians?
did Jesus work in an organization that puts out it's hands for money, hires out it's places of worship for money and lives behind lawyers, advisers and safeguarding?
Jesus turned the tables over in the temple in anger
but the church conveniently erases that, interprets that as they like
and despises and looks down on people like me, who struggle to build a better life out of poverty
The unforgiving church destroyed me for my distress and speaking out
are these people Christians?
Jesus taught forgiveness but the church in the strong position preferred harsh punishments
just as they had Jesus crucified thousands of years ago.
just as they crucified me, though I am no-one, just a thorn in their side
extract from 28/10/2011
I want to tell you about the church and what has happened and my feelings, but it all just sits inside and hurts, the church really did gag me, they complately rubbished me, and my feeble faltering voice won't work any more, I just live with the pain and anger inside me.
I just started crying, I am condemned by the church forever, no-one ever has or ever will call the church and clergy to account or do anything about what they do and what they get away with, and I will never recover from what they have done.
14/11/2011 I feel so useless, when does this nightmare end? why won't God let me die and be out of this nightmare?
13/11/2011
I am trying to ignore the bad feelings, usually being tired and sleepy helps to drown them out, so that is what I am doing.
I feel so utterly useless and beaten.
I feel that I will always be vulnerable because of the church.
I feel that life will always be too full of bad triggers to be worthwhile.
12/11/2011
I feel so useless tonight, too many memories, I feel so worthless, and I wish I could get a psychologist to analyse what I have written and will write and tell me what they think.
Drowning in hopelessness, I have to stop writing 17+ for the moment.
About four years ago I had a car, a place to live, I had friends, I had a future, maybe. I had happy memories and sea and adoptive family and some sort of happiness. I struggled with life, but I never imagined that I would end up condemned and without a future.
Now I sleep outdoors in the dark with horrifying and distressing memories bothering me, and no future.
I have nothing to live for and there is no way of changing that. I have no car or licence, I have no bank account and no money, I have no identity, the only ID I have is my passport which isn't fully English, and my records. I am condemned, I am gagged, I am in pain that until someone calls the church to account and releases me from condemnation, I will never be free from.
what are my memories? I try to block memories, but they are all I have, because who I am, who I was is in those memories, I am no longer, but I cannot go back and collect myself and make everything fine again, as if it was ever perfectly fine.
I remember being a young child and being scared and abused, seeing violence and feeling harsh punishments, I remember being on the move all the time, I remember the hostile press and the hysteria, I remember the violence and hostility, I remember my sister being assaulted, the violence in the hostel, the nightmare of the small house and trying to go to school aged 8 and not fitting in, the endless moving on, the hardship, the anger, the violence, the depression, the crazy religeon, the homelessness, the shame and poverty and ragged clothes, the missing out on all the good things, the escape from the family and attempt to sort myself out and do better, the struggles, the failures, the abuse, the condemnation of the church, the destroyal of what I ha tried to build of a life, and the shame as the church continued to harm me after destroying me, and how they blamed me for reacting and denied responsibility.
what hope is there? that is thirty years of fighting against the tide, all the good ambitions I had, honest hard work, hope for healing and a good safe home and family is gone, my career and home and everything I lived for, and the little bit of quality of life that I gained, are gone, there is nothing, and no way of rebuilding it. I cannot live indoors or remove the terrible one sided story that the church have placed there, the bad record they have given me, I am helpless and lost and too damaged to ever heal.
03/11/2011
I end up with my head raging about the way that the church have treated me and the things they have done.
It is no good raging, and it is no good remembering everything I have lost. No one is going to help me or bring the church to account.
well this is a crash into despair and depression.
I am trying to see a way out of it. Sometimes I can't keep all the bad memories and injustice locked in, sometimes I can't cope with the church condemning me.
I went to a church last night but it was not a friendly church, more of a talk behind their hands because I'm homeless church.
I went to the Samaritans and they tend to be very good, I saw someone I had seen before, and he is very understanding and encouraging.
Why don't I have an online church for abuse survivors and outcasts?
It is a struggle to deal with the clocks changing, it means more time waiting for bedtime in the evening, and more time waiting for the library to open in the morning.
Last night was a night of distresses and bad memories, between my family and the church I feel like the worst person in the world.
It rained enough in the early hours to wake me up, and as I slept again I was woken up by a rat trying to get into my backpack, my backpack is pillow, so having a rat right by my head was not too amusing, but when I shone my torch on it it reluctantly moved off, and when I threw gravel at it it reluctantly moved further off, the gravel sparked as I threw it, I suppose it does that in the dark.
I am not scared of rats but they are destructive and germ ridden and I don't want my food eaten by them or my backpack damaged, fortunately this backpack is rat-proof.
I got up early as it got light early and went to the market, it is really hard to be up early with nothing to do until the library opens, I had several cups of tea and a good wash and change of clothes, and went round the bins collecting stickers.
I found nearly a whole pizza in the bin yesterday, I think that was what the rat was after.
Am I the bad person? my family aren't there for me, and the church condemn my life.
I feel so useless, I wish God would let my life end.
Abuse takes the beauty out of beautiful scenery, it takes away smiles and laughter, it isolates people, it shames people, it takes hopes and bright futures. Abuse is bad, and so much abuse is denied at the expense of the victim.
The ongoing Poem of Comparisons:
who are these people who abused you?
Christians?
well a Christian is a follower of Christ,
and did he abuse or advocate it?
who are these people who called you mad?
Christians?
did Jesus condemn madness and use it to cover his tracks?
did he wrongly accuse anyone as madness?
no, he helped legion and didn't blame him
Who are these peopel who called you wicked, a liar, mad and all those other terrible things?
Christians?
when did Jesus do this? when did he advocate it? Never, it was done to Him
these people who have done these things are covering up their own wrongdoing
at such a price to the one they do it to
just as they did to Jesus when He shamed them
who are these people, in their big houses and so surrounded by wealth and good
that they have no understanding of poverty and pain? and yet for show they claim to help the poor?
Christians?
Jesus was homeless and had nothing,
he was scorned and crucified by the people who claimed to be teachers of God's law
think about that and think about who is writing this
Jesus died in pain and agony, who are these people who suffer nothing and live in luxury?
Christians?
did Jesus work in an organization that puts out it's hands for money, hires out it's places of worship for money and lives behind lawyers, advisers and safeguarding?
Jesus turned the tables over in the temple in anger
but the church conveniently erases that, interprets that as they like
and despises and looks down on people like me, who struggle to build a better life out of poverty
The unforgiving church destroyed me for my distress and speaking out
are these people Christians?
Jesus taught forgiveness but the church in the strong position preferred harsh punishments
just as they had Jesus crucified thousands of years ago.
just as they crucified me, though I am no-one, just a thorn in their side
extract from 28/10/2011
I want to tell you about the church and what has happened and my feelings, but it all just sits inside and hurts, the church really did gag me, they complately rubbished me, and my feeble faltering voice won't work any more, I just live with the pain and anger inside me.
Irish examiner
This report is on twitter this morning
://www.irishexaminer.com/lifestyle/features/the-big-read-the-dark-side-of-a-golden-isle-257278.html#.Uu44iutLX5Q.twitter
Cut and paste as my links don't work any more.
://www.irishexaminer.com/lifestyle/features/the-big-read-the-dark-side-of-a-golden-isle-257278.html#.Uu44iutLX5Q.twitter
Cut and paste as my links don't work any more.
Saturday 1 February 2014
from 'Homeless' originally from statements about the churchwarden and his wife, written on 'Homeless' on 25/11/2011
(01/02/2014, I referred to the churchwarden's wife as mummy and the churchwarden as Daddy in this post, which is what the Churchwarden used to want me to call them at home, note, the letters I wrote to the Vicar and his wife were not threatening as the Deanery appear to have claimed, but were in horrified and outraged response to the way they were treating me, especially refusing to speak to me after I told them I knew they hed lied to me, while in the meantime they were discussing me in a hurtful way with the churchwarden who was hurting me and getting a reaction and explaining it away in his conversations to them)
Mummy always went to bed first, at about 9pm she would get up, run a bath, bathe and then go to bed. This is when he started getting closer to me, and he took to taking me on his lap, cuddling me close, I liked being daddy’s little girl and being fussed, but I didn’t like his hands wandering, as they did sometimes, and I made that clear, but I excused him, I couldn’t believe he would do anything he shouldn’t, after all, I was his little girl, his daughter, and he told me that he was healing me and ‘I will restore the lost years says The Lord’. (The man at the Autism service said that the way mummy went off to bed was typical of someone who wanted to shut out what was happening).
Mummy always went to bed first, at about 9pm she would get up, run a bath, bathe and then go to bed. This is when he started getting closer to me, and he took to taking me on his lap, cuddling me close, I liked being daddy’s little girl and being fussed, but I didn’t like his hands wandering, as they did sometimes, and I made that clear, but I excused him, I couldn’t believe he would do anything he shouldn’t, after all, I was his little girl, his daughter, and he told me that he was healing me and ‘I will restore the lost years says The Lord’. (The man at the Autism service said that the way mummy went off to bed was typical of someone who wanted to shut out what was happening).
He kissed my lips on a few occasions and I was not happy with that, but when I kissed his cheek a few times when he was cuddling and fussing me and I was overwhelmed with love, he tormented me by saying things implying that I fancied him, anyway, things progressed with him behaving mildly inappropriately at the same time as being an affectionate daddy and encouraging me to be childlike and dependent, I will now add a list that I once wrote and have just found, it may be a bit premature as I have not explained everything yet, but I will add it nonetheless. It summarizes some things that I have started talking about.
Adoptive dad sexual misconduct:
· Kissing my lips and neck
· Touching breasts
· Touching and slapping bottom
· Trying to put his hand below the waist
· Resting head on chest
· Suggestive comments
· Talking about sexuality
· Asking about my sexuality and past abuse
· Sitting me on his knees
· Pulling my head to his knees
· Tipping me towards him sitting on his knees
· Pinning me down and lying on the floor or sofa with me and on top of me
Some of this, including sitting me on his knees he admitted to the police when it was investigated.
Emotional games:
· Saying that people were talking about him and me
· Telling me off for kissing his cheek while he was ok to kiss lips or neck
· Telling me what his wife was thinking/saying about me that was negative
· Refusing to talk problems through while he was talking about me behind my back to church people especially the Vicar and his wife and making out that the problem was just me as I reacted to his behaviour and actions.
· Making me feel guilty
· Doing my arms and neck – stroking them constantly, saying he was healing me though this touch is excruciating to a touch sensitive autistic girl
· Jeering, he does poke fun at people and he poked fun at me a lot including jokes about my weight etc
· Letting me take responsibility for everything wrong in the friendship
· The family/not family game where he and his wife were ‘mummy and daddy’ to me, but their sons and family were not told this and were not my ‘brothers’ or family. I felt stupid like a hidden idiot in the attic.
· Making me feel small, saying I couldn’t come out with the cadets, saying that he and his wife were given money because they ‘had to look after me’ etc. There was no ‘had to’, nor did the other sailing cadet leaders mind me coming sailing.
His wife:
· Blaming me for everything wrong
· Calling me a burden
· Telling me that I was the problem, not the church when I found the church rituals and strange ways of doing things hard to understand
· Making me feel ashamed of my work, my clothes, my background and unfavourably comparing me with her sons, openly
· Not being very sensitive about family/not family so that I knew I was not family while her husband was saying I was
· Getting angry about me saying that her husband had misbehaved
Some of my problems:
· Having behavioural problems, reactive to wrong situations
· Not being firmer against adoptive dad being naughty
· Being rude about St A's church when daddy wouldn’t talk it through
· Getting very upset with the adoptive parents over my ‘adoption’ being a secret and similar things
· Not being able to understand the atmosphere, what was expected of me, what was the right thing to do or say, eg leaving the room because I thought mummy wanted ‘family time’ without me there. Or not going to Sunday lunch with mummy and daddy and family when I was invited after I left them, because I didn’t feel comfortable there. I wasn’t ‘family’, and I felt so ashamed and hurt to sit through ‘family conversations’ after Christmas.
· Leaving St A's church a and stopping believing in God for a while, that made mummy very upset, the horrible atmosphere of that church and the way daddy behaved caused the first real shaking of the foundations of my faith.
· Writing a nasty letter or two to the vicar and his wife after I overheard the conversation that daddy had with the vicar’s wife, I doubt that it was the only one. I was being talked about as if I was something terrible while the vicar and his wife had been dishonest with me and refused to talk to me and I was being sexually and emotionally abused by this man.
28/11/2011 from 'Homeless' I may have already posted this
The painkillers are making me too sleepy, this is not good for a homeless person, I have been taking the lowest dose possible, and they do work, but I think I will stop taking the strong ones and just take the anti-inflammatory ones and hope the doctor agrees to the dreaded injections that will help me to walk without any tablets.
On Facebook I have access to a survivors organisation, and at one point someone started a facebook campaign to get rid of the survivors organization, they were very unsuccesful, but it shows just how much ill feeling there can be with regards to abuse matters, people don't want to hear about clergy abuse, they want to hide and say everything is ok, that everything is ok in their church or that they haven't done anything wrong and don't want to acknowlege the consequences of any abuse they have inflicted, this is why it surprises me that no-one has yet tried to remove my blog or any of the posts.
The more I hear of the church the more I wonder what on earth the future of the world is when people go into the church to escape the evil of the world and be safe and in church the evil is very much present but disguised, sanctioned, excused and covered up in a way that it isn't in any other organisation or place in the world, the church have complete policy systems and laws to cover up and to protect the church from liability, these laws also protect the abusers, but the victims are the people who are not protected or helped or acknowledged except in a certain way that is also done to protect the church.
The unheard scream is 'where is Jesus in all this', and if the church should chance to hear this scream they respond with finger wagging lectures about 'forgiveness' and reproaches, as if that is any sort of answer.
when are things going to change? My wish, and my dying wish if I don't survive the way the church have crippled me and left me invalidated as a person is that the church should lose their right to be exclusive, that they are audited on abuse cases and misconducts by organizations outside the church, they will scream about that being unfair because of prejudice and secular organizations being against them, but isn't it better for this destroyal of lives by the church systems to stop? To me a human life is the most valuable thing on this earth, and a vulnerable life should be protected, but the church, who are supposedly following Christ, place no value at all on a vulnerable human life when it comes to the matter of abuse and the issue of the church protecting themselves against scandal.
Isn't it time that the church are no longer immune from legal actiions due to their status, and are no longer treated as being truthful and righteous when they are not being, time they were no longer allowed to be such a big voice that they drown out the smaller voices of abuse victims who try to stand up to them?
I want to see all this change, I want victims to no longer be shamed into silence, and the church that is part of the government in this country should be held to account just as other government departments supposedly would be if their staff had hundreds of abuse and misconduct allegations made against them every month, and especially as the church themselves are not actually practicing what they preach each week, are not following Christ's teachings, Christ Himself was homeless, poor, wounded by the church of the day, He didn't live in a palace and have servants and a big salary. The church will cry out that secular intervention would be 'prejudiced' and 'damaging to the faith', but that is indeed what their own policies and procedures towards abuse are anyway.
I will continue this another time. I am sleepy.
On Facebook I have access to a survivors organisation, and at one point someone started a facebook campaign to get rid of the survivors organization, they were very unsuccesful, but it shows just how much ill feeling there can be with regards to abuse matters, people don't want to hear about clergy abuse, they want to hide and say everything is ok, that everything is ok in their church or that they haven't done anything wrong and don't want to acknowlege the consequences of any abuse they have inflicted, this is why it surprises me that no-one has yet tried to remove my blog or any of the posts.
The more I hear of the church the more I wonder what on earth the future of the world is when people go into the church to escape the evil of the world and be safe and in church the evil is very much present but disguised, sanctioned, excused and covered up in a way that it isn't in any other organisation or place in the world, the church have complete policy systems and laws to cover up and to protect the church from liability, these laws also protect the abusers, but the victims are the people who are not protected or helped or acknowledged except in a certain way that is also done to protect the church.
The unheard scream is 'where is Jesus in all this', and if the church should chance to hear this scream they respond with finger wagging lectures about 'forgiveness' and reproaches, as if that is any sort of answer.
when are things going to change? My wish, and my dying wish if I don't survive the way the church have crippled me and left me invalidated as a person is that the church should lose their right to be exclusive, that they are audited on abuse cases and misconducts by organizations outside the church, they will scream about that being unfair because of prejudice and secular organizations being against them, but isn't it better for this destroyal of lives by the church systems to stop? To me a human life is the most valuable thing on this earth, and a vulnerable life should be protected, but the church, who are supposedly following Christ, place no value at all on a vulnerable human life when it comes to the matter of abuse and the issue of the church protecting themselves against scandal.
Isn't it time that the church are no longer immune from legal actiions due to their status, and are no longer treated as being truthful and righteous when they are not being, time they were no longer allowed to be such a big voice that they drown out the smaller voices of abuse victims who try to stand up to them?
I want to see all this change, I want victims to no longer be shamed into silence, and the church that is part of the government in this country should be held to account just as other government departments supposedly would be if their staff had hundreds of abuse and misconduct allegations made against them every month, and especially as the church themselves are not actually practicing what they preach each week, are not following Christ's teachings, Christ Himself was homeless, poor, wounded by the church of the day, He didn't live in a palace and have servants and a big salary. The church will cry out that secular intervention would be 'prejudiced' and 'damaging to the faith', but that is indeed what their own policies and procedures towards abuse are anyway.
I will continue this another time. I am sleepy.
from 'Homeless' 28/11/2011
Does all this make you conclude that I hate the church? I don't, otherwise I wouldn't try to worship each week. I hate the church's policies and actions and the discrepancy between the way Jesus was and the way the church are, in the case of abuse and the church reaction there is no sign of Christianity, and 'we are all human' is not an adequate excuse.
Am I obsessed with this matter? I don't know, I do know that the way that the church have treated me continues to affect me badly, I am crippled by it, I am traumatised by it, and the repercussions are endless, if I go on living I will be affected for the rest of my life, and I am extremely vulnerable on the streets with the bad record that the church gave me, but I cannot leave the streets for the same reasons.
All I have to do in my life is try to share my story and help other solitary survivors know that they are not alone as I try to write what I cannot verbalise and can hardly write, the church were able to use my lack of verbalisation against me as they accused and damaged me and brought false charges against me and tried to make me out to be mad.
Basically as well as being unable to verbalise all this I am at a disadvantage when it comes to representation because no one actually dares to take on the church and their disclaimers and lawyers and press departments, the church are power heavy, which is crazy considering that they originate from belief and following of Jesus, who never ever instructed or set an example of unjust wealthy power heavy priests and organizations. I hope that makes sense.
Every day my day starts with anxiety and bad memories, and if I wake in the night it is the same, I dream of the brutality of the police who the church set on me, the injustice and the lockings up and being unable to defend myself.
I live in fear of being involved in any of the violence and crime that my fellow homeless are soemtimes involved in, or being sexually assaulted or suffering anything, because I don't want to have to go to the police or have the police looking up the lies of the church on record and being brutal and unfair to me if I am unwittingly caught up in an incident.
That incident the other week was a very frightening one, to be accused of something and assaulted, I really and truly thought that I was going to be brutalised and locked up, but it wasn't the church wrongly accusing me and there was no proof (because I hadn't done anything) and the thug who 'tried to do a citizens arrest' was known to the police and had commited assault by his actions, so to my amazement it all turned out right but it shocked me deeply. I will never feel safe again.
I will never be able to work again, and I do not know if I will ever live indoors again, I am sure that my lifespan is reduced because of my lifestyle and I am relieved about that, I have no real reason to live apart from sharing my story. The damage by the church, especially by their lies, is too severe, and no amount of counselling or medicine will change that.
Am I obsessed with this matter? I don't know, I do know that the way that the church have treated me continues to affect me badly, I am crippled by it, I am traumatised by it, and the repercussions are endless, if I go on living I will be affected for the rest of my life, and I am extremely vulnerable on the streets with the bad record that the church gave me, but I cannot leave the streets for the same reasons.
All I have to do in my life is try to share my story and help other solitary survivors know that they are not alone as I try to write what I cannot verbalise and can hardly write, the church were able to use my lack of verbalisation against me as they accused and damaged me and brought false charges against me and tried to make me out to be mad.
Basically as well as being unable to verbalise all this I am at a disadvantage when it comes to representation because no one actually dares to take on the church and their disclaimers and lawyers and press departments, the church are power heavy, which is crazy considering that they originate from belief and following of Jesus, who never ever instructed or set an example of unjust wealthy power heavy priests and organizations. I hope that makes sense.
Every day my day starts with anxiety and bad memories, and if I wake in the night it is the same, I dream of the brutality of the police who the church set on me, the injustice and the lockings up and being unable to defend myself.
I live in fear of being involved in any of the violence and crime that my fellow homeless are soemtimes involved in, or being sexually assaulted or suffering anything, because I don't want to have to go to the police or have the police looking up the lies of the church on record and being brutal and unfair to me if I am unwittingly caught up in an incident.
That incident the other week was a very frightening one, to be accused of something and assaulted, I really and truly thought that I was going to be brutalised and locked up, but it wasn't the church wrongly accusing me and there was no proof (because I hadn't done anything) and the thug who 'tried to do a citizens arrest' was known to the police and had commited assault by his actions, so to my amazement it all turned out right but it shocked me deeply. I will never feel safe again.
I will never be able to work again, and I do not know if I will ever live indoors again, I am sure that my lifespan is reduced because of my lifestyle and I am relieved about that, I have no real reason to live apart from sharing my story. The damage by the church, especially by their lies, is too severe, and no amount of counselling or medicine will change that.
from 'Homeless' written on 09/12/2011 -not sure why I am posting this apart from getting it off the list, too interesting to delete
When I was young and was doing Christmas preparations with my brother,we used to listen to Christmas songs, one of them has these lines in it:
Hallalujah Nowell, be it heaven or hell
at Christmas we get we deserve
Even as a child I puzzled over this, is the singer syaing that people get what they deserve at Christmas? That I deserved last Christmas and the approaching one?
At Christmas there will be so many people who will be facing debt because they have tried to provide presents and a good Christmas for their families, there will be people who face loved ones dying, there will be domestic violence, sometimes fueled by drink and sometimes leaving people needing hospital treatment, there will be affairs and breakups and rapes, there will be children who will be victims of abuse and violence, there will be people who have nothing for Christmas, no presents, no company, no food, (and how I wish I could find them and change that, but they are people who no one realises are there), there will be people who have bad memories at Christmas that includes me and a number of people who I know.
I don't believe that people always get what they deserve at Christmas, nor does 'everything come right'. It isn't always as dramatic as the shock storylines that the soaps do for Christmas where everyone has to die, go missing and get married and come out in order to keep everyone watching, but Christmas can be harsh for good people, and it can be good for bad people, all those wealthy people in the church who made me feel small and abused me will have a good Christmas in that they will have lots of food and nice things, but a majority of them do not really care or get real pleasure from it all.
I loved Christmas even in all those harsh years, until that terrible cruel Christmas with my abusers.
If you know anyone who might be struggling this Christmas, please see if you can help. Don't give in to all those tv charity adverts (unless you want to), guide dogs for the blind will still be there all year round, so will the rest of them. The stallholders on the market were talking about the old lady downstairs from them, they take her a dinner and wine and presents, no-one else is around for her, my pal who does the christmas lunch says that some of the people they collect for the lunch don't have any other outing all year.
Why am I rambling on? I don't know.
I remember the care home I worked for, I remember that I was going to commit suicide that Christmas, but I sent every resident in that 64-bed home a Christmas card with their name in, I got my friend who worked in the home to give me all their names and whether they preferred to be called by their first name, last name or nickname, and all of them got a personal card, my friend kept coming out and hugging me and saying how happy some of the residents were because it was the only card they had got or that they were amazed that the gardener knew their name and things like that, I got a few cards in return from them and their families and I made a few new friends that way.
Everybody needs to be loved and feel a sense of belonging, even more so at Christmas.
I remember feeling despondent before Christmas 2005, and I remember Lesley saying to me 'you are not alone, there are so many other people who feel isolated at this time, and Christmas is so family-orientated that people think of happy families, and those who haven't got happy families do feel left out'.
The quiz last night raised over £400 for the Salvation Army, who provide Christmas meals and presents and food for many poor people who would have nothing otherwise.
If you have a good Christmas to look forward to, then thank God for it, and please pray for those who are dreading this Christmas.
Hallalujah Nowell, be it heaven or hell
at Christmas we get we deserve
Even as a child I puzzled over this, is the singer syaing that people get what they deserve at Christmas? That I deserved last Christmas and the approaching one?
At Christmas there will be so many people who will be facing debt because they have tried to provide presents and a good Christmas for their families, there will be people who face loved ones dying, there will be domestic violence, sometimes fueled by drink and sometimes leaving people needing hospital treatment, there will be affairs and breakups and rapes, there will be children who will be victims of abuse and violence, there will be people who have nothing for Christmas, no presents, no company, no food, (and how I wish I could find them and change that, but they are people who no one realises are there), there will be people who have bad memories at Christmas that includes me and a number of people who I know.
I don't believe that people always get what they deserve at Christmas, nor does 'everything come right'. It isn't always as dramatic as the shock storylines that the soaps do for Christmas where everyone has to die, go missing and get married and come out in order to keep everyone watching, but Christmas can be harsh for good people, and it can be good for bad people, all those wealthy people in the church who made me feel small and abused me will have a good Christmas in that they will have lots of food and nice things, but a majority of them do not really care or get real pleasure from it all.
I loved Christmas even in all those harsh years, until that terrible cruel Christmas with my abusers.
If you know anyone who might be struggling this Christmas, please see if you can help. Don't give in to all those tv charity adverts (unless you want to), guide dogs for the blind will still be there all year round, so will the rest of them. The stallholders on the market were talking about the old lady downstairs from them, they take her a dinner and wine and presents, no-one else is around for her, my pal who does the christmas lunch says that some of the people they collect for the lunch don't have any other outing all year.
Why am I rambling on? I don't know.
I remember the care home I worked for, I remember that I was going to commit suicide that Christmas, but I sent every resident in that 64-bed home a Christmas card with their name in, I got my friend who worked in the home to give me all their names and whether they preferred to be called by their first name, last name or nickname, and all of them got a personal card, my friend kept coming out and hugging me and saying how happy some of the residents were because it was the only card they had got or that they were amazed that the gardener knew their name and things like that, I got a few cards in return from them and their families and I made a few new friends that way.
Everybody needs to be loved and feel a sense of belonging, even more so at Christmas.
I remember feeling despondent before Christmas 2005, and I remember Lesley saying to me 'you are not alone, there are so many other people who feel isolated at this time, and Christmas is so family-orientated that people think of happy families, and those who haven't got happy families do feel left out'.
The quiz last night raised over £400 for the Salvation Army, who provide Christmas meals and presents and food for many poor people who would have nothing otherwise.
If you have a good Christmas to look forward to, then thank God for it, and please pray for those who are dreading this Christmas.
from 'Homeless' written 10/12/2011
It is bitter cold outdoors, I delight in the cold and the fresh air and freedom from the church, but with the unending nightmares it is hard to believe I am out of their damaging grip. It has been maybe four months since their last devastating attack on my life and if I live it will be many years before I really have any hope of recovery and normal life.
When I was first homeless, the doctor said that maybe in three or four years I would start to recover, even at the time and for almost a year after that the church continued their devastating and traumatic assault on my life in order to defend themselves and make out that they were 'helping me',
What I don't understand is one fundemental truth 'why if they were helping me was I being seriously harmed and driven from help by them and my cries for them to stop were ignored and deemed harrasment?' How could they have been helping me by using someone I had complained about to come after me and violate my friendships, why if they were helping me did they slander me to the homeless services and prevent me from accessing help? why if they were helping me did they try to have me sectioned for my cries of anguish at their continued unwanted interventions?
When I was first homeless, the doctor said that maybe in three or four years I would start to recover, even at the time and for almost a year after that the church continued their devastating and traumatic assault on my life in order to defend themselves and make out that they were 'helping me',
What I don't understand is one fundemental truth 'why if they were helping me was I being seriously harmed and driven from help by them and my cries for them to stop were ignored and deemed harrasment?' How could they have been helping me by using someone I had complained about to come after me and violate my friendships, why if they were helping me did they slander me to the homeless services and prevent me from accessing help? why if they were helping me did they try to have me sectioned for my cries of anguish at their continued unwanted interventions?
From 'Homeless' Historic Blog 14/12/2011 -The reason for all these posts is that I am away and cannot post until tomorrow and will be offline for a a week or more soon
When it comes to feelings and memories coming up strongly as they are doing at the moment, I cannot write very easily, I am too angry, too upset, too hopeless, I feel invalidated by the church and nothing I say or do is valid in their eyes, it makes me worthless and not-human.
I woke up this morning wondering why, really why the church were allowed to go on interfering in my life after they lost me my home, why they were allowed to go on traumatising me and getting me brutalised by the police for my reaction as I repeatedly asked them to stop.
If the church were to read this they would scornfully say that I am 'dwelling on the past' as they did a few months after the abuse as I continued to be traumatised by the abuser's denials to the community.
If I wake up in distress I am not deliberately dwelling on anything, and the distress comes from my subconscious sleeping brain, and since the church have affected my life in a terrible way that will affect me forever including leaving me permenantly homeless, how is that in the past? It is very current and affects my whole life in many ways every day.
The inequality of power that allows the church to treat abuse victims as they please in order to achieve what they want is very real.
The church's interference that left me unable to be housed isn't considered harassment by the police, and yet my reaction to it is.
I will never be able to live indoors because of the processes, the disclosures against me, the shame and most of all, my distress at being indoors. And if I lived indoors, who would I be with the shattered pieces of my life left behind long ago in the island? There is no future for me, no work, no volunteering, no point in trying to get my education, nothing but the huge labels that the church have stuck on me, the only way I can survive is outdoors.
I woke up this morning wondering why, really why the church were allowed to go on interfering in my life after they lost me my home, why they were allowed to go on traumatising me and getting me brutalised by the police for my reaction as I repeatedly asked them to stop.
If the church were to read this they would scornfully say that I am 'dwelling on the past' as they did a few months after the abuse as I continued to be traumatised by the abuser's denials to the community.
If I wake up in distress I am not deliberately dwelling on anything, and the distress comes from my subconscious sleeping brain, and since the church have affected my life in a terrible way that will affect me forever including leaving me permenantly homeless, how is that in the past? It is very current and affects my whole life in many ways every day.
The inequality of power that allows the church to treat abuse victims as they please in order to achieve what they want is very real.
The church's interference that left me unable to be housed isn't considered harassment by the police, and yet my reaction to it is.
I will never be able to live indoors because of the processes, the disclosures against me, the shame and most of all, my distress at being indoors. And if I lived indoors, who would I be with the shattered pieces of my life left behind long ago in the island? There is no future for me, no work, no volunteering, no point in trying to get my education, nothing but the huge labels that the church have stuck on me, the only way I can survive is outdoors.
Sorry - from 'Homeless' written 17/12/2011
I feel like saying sorry. Well I am always sorry, I have spent my life being sorry, and everyone else has enforced that by telling me it is all me, even when it can't be.
No, the sorry is because I spend my time in the library reading when I am not on the computer, and I read about what other people have been through, the abuse they have suffered in the church.
I grew up in cult-like circumstances, and what I suffered did amount to abuse, emotional, mental, physical and sexual abuse, but I know from the accounts that I read that other people have been through more severe abuse and neglect and haven't been allowed childhoods, people who were left in the hands of church-based convents and boarding schools and orphanages, people who were kept from the outside world and abused constantly and degraded, my own upbringing was traumatic, and my adulthood vulnerable to abuse because I needed support and safe people and ended up abused and destroyed by the church, but I know that some of the stories I have read about church based abuse are worse than mine in violence and constant sexual abuse.
So I am sorry, sorry that I am such a drama queen, and sorry for what all those survivors went through and how no one heard their cries for help and they were made to feel that they deserved it and that there was no hope.
And most of all I am sorry that their abusers were working in God's Name and seemed to believe that their unchristian and criminal actions towards the children and vulnerable people in their care were acceptable and that God would find their actions acceptable.
Those abusers will never say sorry or accept responsibility, they delude themselves and make out that they were doing what was in the best interests of those in their charge, just as those who emotionally and sexually abused me did when I was a vulnerable adult in their care.
To be honest I am not sure that my parents understood what they were doing to us at all.
None of the children who were put in that convent or boarding school and denied their lives and emotions and even denied their reactions to what was happening to them were to blame.
And there are still people out there who can't speak out because they were abused and persuaded that their abuser, who was 'close to God' could not possibly to blame and that if it ever came out the victim would be shamed for their own behaviour, as I was, it affects people for their whole lives, leaving them isolated by their own reactions, flashbacks and distresses if they never speak about it, admit it happened, and come to terms and know that it wasn't their fault. It is never the fault of a child or vulnerable person if someone preys on them.
I am sorry for this mess where survivors have to come to terms with God, someone who allows these people to work in His Name and yet do such atrocious things and blame the victims and tell them that they (the abuser) has only been kind to the victim, kindness? God? Survivors can end up very confused and damaged by that perspective of God from the abuser. And in an isolated abused world, who else can the child or vulnerable adult turn to if God is on the side of the abuser?
But all the sorry in the world won't put things right.
No, the sorry is because I spend my time in the library reading when I am not on the computer, and I read about what other people have been through, the abuse they have suffered in the church.
I grew up in cult-like circumstances, and what I suffered did amount to abuse, emotional, mental, physical and sexual abuse, but I know from the accounts that I read that other people have been through more severe abuse and neglect and haven't been allowed childhoods, people who were left in the hands of church-based convents and boarding schools and orphanages, people who were kept from the outside world and abused constantly and degraded, my own upbringing was traumatic, and my adulthood vulnerable to abuse because I needed support and safe people and ended up abused and destroyed by the church, but I know that some of the stories I have read about church based abuse are worse than mine in violence and constant sexual abuse.
So I am sorry, sorry that I am such a drama queen, and sorry for what all those survivors went through and how no one heard their cries for help and they were made to feel that they deserved it and that there was no hope.
And most of all I am sorry that their abusers were working in God's Name and seemed to believe that their unchristian and criminal actions towards the children and vulnerable people in their care were acceptable and that God would find their actions acceptable.
Those abusers will never say sorry or accept responsibility, they delude themselves and make out that they were doing what was in the best interests of those in their charge, just as those who emotionally and sexually abused me did when I was a vulnerable adult in their care.
To be honest I am not sure that my parents understood what they were doing to us at all.
None of the children who were put in that convent or boarding school and denied their lives and emotions and even denied their reactions to what was happening to them were to blame.
And there are still people out there who can't speak out because they were abused and persuaded that their abuser, who was 'close to God' could not possibly to blame and that if it ever came out the victim would be shamed for their own behaviour, as I was, it affects people for their whole lives, leaving them isolated by their own reactions, flashbacks and distresses if they never speak about it, admit it happened, and come to terms and know that it wasn't their fault. It is never the fault of a child or vulnerable person if someone preys on them.
I am sorry for this mess where survivors have to come to terms with God, someone who allows these people to work in His Name and yet do such atrocious things and blame the victims and tell them that they (the abuser) has only been kind to the victim, kindness? God? Survivors can end up very confused and damaged by that perspective of God from the abuser. And in an isolated abused world, who else can the child or vulnerable adult turn to if God is on the side of the abuser?
But all the sorry in the world won't put things right.
Historic Blog 'Homeless' 'Police complaint -this is part of a post from 16/12/2011
I had been treated as mad and bad by the police at all times and I was traumatised by it. In the time after the police brutalised me in that time when they got me for the Bishop not long after Anne's funeral, I sat in the church writing out carefully what had happened and I also had the photo's of the bruises on my arms that they made, my friend took the photos. But I had never had the money to send this complaint by post and had never had the courage to walk up and put it in the letterbox of the police HQ in person, and had been too depressed to, seeing as my voice is nothing and no one would do anything.
One rainy night I was down near the Cathedral, I was surprised that mad Debbie didn't jump out and scream at me, as she usually haunted that area, a police car drew up beside me and they wound the window down and said my name, I froze in utter terror, the officer said 'it's alright, we just wanted to say hello' (similar to what they usually untruthfully say when you are in trouble), I remained frozen and silent.
The officer continued in a patronizing tone, going on about a service in the cathedral, I didn't want to know, the officer said that 'he was glad that I was well and out and about again' I gathered from this that he was one of the brutes who had detained me and made me out to be mentally ill and had not been aware that I had been asessed and released, he seemed to think I had been locked up in the hospital as the police had tried VERY hard to arrange on behalf of the diocese.
I said nothing. He went on and told me to go and get out of the rain and get my head down somewhere, I was furious, it was nothing to do with him where and when I was or slept, I was in shock as the police drove off, and following that, instead of sending my painstakingly written statement to the police complaints department with the bruises pictures, I rattled off an email of complaint, this was to the police complaints department in the county headquarters, interestingly enough I have had a stream of emails over the months from the department and the IPCC, the big central police complaints department, I have absolutely no idea why as I am too fragile and traumatised to even open and read the emails and get re-involved in the dreadful matter, nor do I want my location given away to anyone. As far as I know from experience my voice is nothing against other peoples.
The latest email regarding the police complaint was sent to me last week.
Another thing to note, the police who stopped that rainy night were not after me, and this was in the summer, but in court in august it was claimed that the police had been after me for some time.
(01/02/2014) This was due to Jane Fisher wanting her complaint against me in Sussex to be separate from that of Michael-Scott-Joynt's, when in reality, they had liased together to try and have me put away, again, and it remains that she suffers nothing for her abuse of power and lack of dealing with my complaint of abuse and protection of my abuser, while she destroyed me publicly, the church of England has a lot of power, because they claim to be Christian and no-one questions them, and they are never called to account for their abuse of that power).
One rainy night I was down near the Cathedral, I was surprised that mad Debbie didn't jump out and scream at me, as she usually haunted that area, a police car drew up beside me and they wound the window down and said my name, I froze in utter terror, the officer said 'it's alright, we just wanted to say hello' (similar to what they usually untruthfully say when you are in trouble), I remained frozen and silent.
The officer continued in a patronizing tone, going on about a service in the cathedral, I didn't want to know, the officer said that 'he was glad that I was well and out and about again' I gathered from this that he was one of the brutes who had detained me and made me out to be mentally ill and had not been aware that I had been asessed and released, he seemed to think I had been locked up in the hospital as the police had tried VERY hard to arrange on behalf of the diocese.
I said nothing. He went on and told me to go and get out of the rain and get my head down somewhere, I was furious, it was nothing to do with him where and when I was or slept, I was in shock as the police drove off, and following that, instead of sending my painstakingly written statement to the police complaints department with the bruises pictures, I rattled off an email of complaint, this was to the police complaints department in the county headquarters, interestingly enough I have had a stream of emails over the months from the department and the IPCC, the big central police complaints department, I have absolutely no idea why as I am too fragile and traumatised to even open and read the emails and get re-involved in the dreadful matter, nor do I want my location given away to anyone. As far as I know from experience my voice is nothing against other peoples.
The latest email regarding the police complaint was sent to me last week.
Another thing to note, the police who stopped that rainy night were not after me, and this was in the summer, but in court in august it was claimed that the police had been after me for some time.
(01/02/2014) This was due to Jane Fisher wanting her complaint against me in Sussex to be separate from that of Michael-Scott-Joynt's, when in reality, they had liased together to try and have me put away, again, and it remains that she suffers nothing for her abuse of power and lack of dealing with my complaint of abuse and protection of my abuser, while she destroyed me publicly, the church of England has a lot of power, because they claim to be Christian and no-one questions them, and they are never called to account for their abuse of that power).
from 'Homeless' 18/12/2011 -still funny
Before the Bishop retired in Winchester, I was walking through the alley near some of my food bins in Winchester one morning, this was in a pedestrian area and had 'NO Cycling' signs all around, the alleyway was entirely pedestrian and led onto a precinct.
As I came out of the blind alley onto the precinct the Bishop's wife came hurtling into the blind Alleyway from the pedestrian area on her bike and nearly knocked me over!
'Hello **********' she said in her posh tones as I staggered,
'slow down Mrs ***********' I yelled in fright 'get off the bike!'
But she was gone.
It's a true story, and I left a message for her and the Bishop regarding them them breaking the law and the impact of it and how they shouldn't be hounding me and making me out to be mad and bad when the Bishop's wife was breaking the law and behaving like a manic on her bike when the police were cracking down on such behaviour, but I said that I was a Christian and so I wasn't going to report her out of spite and that even if the police had stopped her as they had stopped other cyclists that week or even if she had collided with me, the police wouldn't batter her and lock her up, they would excuse her because she was the Bishop's wife, undoubtedly true, the Bishop has expensive top lawyers.
- 01/02/2014 And having top lawyers and barristers as chaplains and clergy and laity who are legally trained tends to mean you can be Christians in theory and not in practice and get away with doing as you like and still using Jesus' Name as an excuse for your salary and home.
As I came out of the blind alley onto the precinct the Bishop's wife came hurtling into the blind Alleyway from the pedestrian area on her bike and nearly knocked me over!
'Hello **********' she said in her posh tones as I staggered,
'slow down Mrs ***********' I yelled in fright 'get off the bike!'
But she was gone.
It's a true story, and I left a message for her and the Bishop regarding them them breaking the law and the impact of it and how they shouldn't be hounding me and making me out to be mad and bad when the Bishop's wife was breaking the law and behaving like a manic on her bike when the police were cracking down on such behaviour, but I said that I was a Christian and so I wasn't going to report her out of spite and that even if the police had stopped her as they had stopped other cyclists that week or even if she had collided with me, the police wouldn't batter her and lock her up, they would excuse her because she was the Bishop's wife, undoubtedly true, the Bishop has expensive top lawyers.
- 01/02/2014 And having top lawyers and barristers as chaplains and clergy and laity who are legally trained tends to mean you can be Christians in theory and not in practice and get away with doing as you like and still using Jesus' Name as an excuse for your salary and home.
Brief posts from 'Homeless'
03/01/2012 I am having flashbacks about police brutality. Not good.
19/01/2012
Every time the diocese set the police on me and had me locked up and searched, they took away the only things I have and value, my privacy, dignity and freedom. I have never recovered and I cannot understand how they can keep up the ridiculous pretence of concern while inflicting unhealable horror on me for my reactions to their treatment of me.
19/01/2012
Every time the diocese set the police on me and had me locked up and searched, they took away the only things I have and value, my privacy, dignity and freedom. I have never recovered and I cannot understand how they can keep up the ridiculous pretence of concern while inflicting unhealable horror on me for my reactions to their treatment of me.
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