I have to wonder, did the Diocese of Winchester also have the services of the NSPCC when it came to advice about cover-ups at the expense of victims?
And also, am I going to meet with one of those 'convenient' accidents that befall a number of victims who speak up, if they are not driven to suicide as I nearly have been? Sometimes those accidents occur in police cells, I have been brutalized and seen it covered up and denied by the police enough by now, and I know so much about so many cases in which victims and vulnerable people are destroyed because it is deemed less harmful by big powerful corperations to see them meet with an accident rather than that corperation taking responsibility for themselves.
If the diocese can lie in court about the harm they did that provoked me, and can cover up so much as they have done since March last year and even earlier, they can find ways to have me put away or bumped off, they have repeatedly tried to have me put away and they know I go into a fury when they provoke me.
Wicked Godless soulless, consciousless people.
If anything happens to me, the Diocese of Winchester will not walk away from it.
Tuesday 7 January 2014
Does anyone still question my disgust at the Diocese trying to set the NSPCC on me? -edited
http://theneedleblog.wordpress.com/2014/01/06/savile-victims-call-for-inquiry-while-nspcc-equivocate/
Two names, one, Jimmy Saville, two (not pictured) Esther Rantzen.
Truly the Diocese do not have a clue.
At least you hope they don't.
The NSPCC is sadly nothing good or beneficial. I am not sure what their role is any more. I should think that a number of other people, especially victims, feel the same.
One abuser-harbouring cover-up organization, the church of england, tried to farm me off to another abuser harbouring cover-up organization, the NSPCC.
The Diocese of Winchester, after wasting half a million and wrecking my life and causing an all-out war with the Jersey Deanery, decided to refer me to the NSPCC, which is inadequate, inapropriate and insulting, and also cost them nothing as the NSPCC is a charity.
Jimmy Savile had links with the NSPCC, thus denying access to help for his victims.
I did not authorize the Diocese to refer me anywhere, especially not after the harm they did to me, and the Bishop threatening me.
Two names, one, Jimmy Saville, two (not pictured) Esther Rantzen.
Truly the Diocese do not have a clue.
At least you hope they don't.
The NSPCC is sadly nothing good or beneficial. I am not sure what their role is any more. I should think that a number of other people, especially victims, feel the same.
One abuser-harbouring cover-up organization, the church of england, tried to farm me off to another abuser harbouring cover-up organization, the NSPCC.
The Diocese of Winchester, after wasting half a million and wrecking my life and causing an all-out war with the Jersey Deanery, decided to refer me to the NSPCC, which is inadequate, inapropriate and insulting, and also cost them nothing as the NSPCC is a charity.
Jimmy Savile had links with the NSPCC, thus denying access to help for his victims.
I did not authorize the Diocese to refer me anywhere, especially not after the harm they did to me, and the Bishop threatening me.
Monday 6 January 2014
Home Coming
During 2006 I owned and read a great book called 'Homecoming' by John Bradshaw, I did not really understand that it was about attachment, nor did I really understand attachment theory, but nonetheless I found the book one of the most profoundly helpful self-help books I had found, and I had been working through all sorts of self-help programmes since I left my family.
It is written in terms that ordinary people can understand and does not claim to be an attachment theory manual. It effectively explains attachment problems and how to work through them.
At the same time I was receiving very helpful counselling from a very good counsellor, and although I didn't know it at the time, she was working with me with attachment theory in mind.
My counsellor only stopped working with me as she retired and I moved away to college, and sadly I never really found someone of her skill to replace her.
Changes in my life, including a year at college, the damaging relationship with the Lihous and being without a therapist led to the attachment work being lost
But anyway, although at the time 'Homecoming' described to me how my family could really never be replaced and that gap had to be filled by me being my own parent and decision maker, I still had a longing to belong to a family and to be loved and accepted, this led to me ending up in the wrong hands firstly then in 2006 and then with the churchwarden and his wife in Jersey. Which reinforced the fact that belonging to another family doesn't really happen, or very rarely, and that motives for 'adopting' a vulnerable or isolated person are usually the wrong ones.
It is since being on the streets that I have really learned to be comfortable in my independence, and have come to understand the attachment disorder that prevents me from feeling safe with close involvement despite my old longing to belong, the damage to me by the church of England and the trauma with that and the lack of trust I have for anyone who tries to help that stems from continued interference by the diocese compounds all of this.
But anyway, in my recent research into disorganized attachment which I have been doing in order to help myself and help others to help me, I remembered 'Homecoming' and ordered a copy.
It is written in terms that ordinary people can understand and does not claim to be an attachment theory manual. It effectively explains attachment problems and how to work through them.
At the same time I was receiving very helpful counselling from a very good counsellor, and although I didn't know it at the time, she was working with me with attachment theory in mind.
My counsellor only stopped working with me as she retired and I moved away to college, and sadly I never really found someone of her skill to replace her.
Changes in my life, including a year at college, the damaging relationship with the Lihous and being without a therapist led to the attachment work being lost
But anyway, although at the time 'Homecoming' described to me how my family could really never be replaced and that gap had to be filled by me being my own parent and decision maker, I still had a longing to belong to a family and to be loved and accepted, this led to me ending up in the wrong hands firstly then in 2006 and then with the churchwarden and his wife in Jersey. Which reinforced the fact that belonging to another family doesn't really happen, or very rarely, and that motives for 'adopting' a vulnerable or isolated person are usually the wrong ones.
It is since being on the streets that I have really learned to be comfortable in my independence, and have come to understand the attachment disorder that prevents me from feeling safe with close involvement despite my old longing to belong, the damage to me by the church of England and the trauma with that and the lack of trust I have for anyone who tries to help that stems from continued interference by the diocese compounds all of this.
But anyway, in my recent research into disorganized attachment which I have been doing in order to help myself and help others to help me, I remembered 'Homecoming' and ordered a copy.
from homeless, written 05/03/2012, even the first line, very appropriate for today as I have been disturbed by noise on waking and I feel rattled andI hope to do some blogging today and am posting this to get me started
It is exceptionally hard to write anything in this blog or do anything about this blog.
I thought I would do what my friend did on facebook and do some confessions in order to start 'talking again'.
1. I hate noise first thing in the morning, any noise, especially crashes, bangs, barks, people talking, I also don't like to talk in the early morning, I like silence or quiet music. Until at least 9am.
2. I like bad weather.
3. I suffer from such severe social phobia/fear of people that if I was anyone else I would never leave the house, I cannot bear people near me.
4. I have forgotten the order of service in church, which I used to know by heart, I seem to have forgotten it rapidly due to trauma.
5. I whimper when I am distressed or have flashbacks, even in public.
6. I suck my thumb to help me fall asleep and when I feel tired or distressed, though not usually in public.
7. I need music to help me get through each day.
8. I don't remember any hugs or kindness in the first 17 years of my life. Apart from my brother and sister being kind sometimes, when their own problems were overwhelming them.
9. I like banana milkshake, but no one in the world knows it because I never drink it.
10. I like Irish music.
11. I like boring you by writing this.
I thought I would do what my friend did on facebook and do some confessions in order to start 'talking again'.
1. I hate noise first thing in the morning, any noise, especially crashes, bangs, barks, people talking, I also don't like to talk in the early morning, I like silence or quiet music. Until at least 9am.
2. I like bad weather.
3. I suffer from such severe social phobia/fear of people that if I was anyone else I would never leave the house, I cannot bear people near me.
4. I have forgotten the order of service in church, which I used to know by heart, I seem to have forgotten it rapidly due to trauma.
5. I whimper when I am distressed or have flashbacks, even in public.
6. I suck my thumb to help me fall asleep and when I feel tired or distressed, though not usually in public.
7. I need music to help me get through each day.
8. I don't remember any hugs or kindness in the first 17 years of my life. Apart from my brother and sister being kind sometimes, when their own problems were overwhelming them.
9. I like banana milkshake, but no one in the world knows it because I never drink it.
10. I like Irish music.
11. I like boring you by writing this.
Sunday 5 January 2014
Vicars with problems
Here is an article being tweeted this weekend.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2533699/Paedophile-vicar-46-facing-jail-admitting-having-8-000-vile-child-abuse-animal-porn-images.html
There are a lot of comments on this article in the Daily Mail online, but, I think one of the problems is to do with the Church of England's selection process.
As I have probably written previously, JM often shared professional confidences with me, including telling me about how wrong the selection process had been with two of her readers who were a couple, she told me how the panel selected one of the couple as a reader and rejected the other.
Now I knew this couple well, and knew that they were equally suitable, right down to their church of england attitude to the vulnerable, but now, the church of england are so desparate, they will take anyone on, anyone who says that they want a free house, half expenses paid and the respect that the dog collar will earn them.
Although JM used to complain about her salary, which at the time was only £16,500 plus house and half expenses.
Those of you who do not know, JM used to confide the confidences of her work and life and the lives of many of her parishioners to me on our daily walks.
So, a man with piercings and perverse habits can quite easily end up as a priest. Not that I am anti-piercings, but, why would a man who loves God need metal stuck in him? Just the same as, why would a man who loves God need to put a burning stick in his mouth?
More seriously and most importantly, how can a man with such perversions, which damage each and every child used in the pornography for life, be a servant of God?
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2533699/Paedophile-vicar-46-facing-jail-admitting-having-8-000-vile-child-abuse-animal-porn-images.html
There are a lot of comments on this article in the Daily Mail online, but, I think one of the problems is to do with the Church of England's selection process.
As I have probably written previously, JM often shared professional confidences with me, including telling me about how wrong the selection process had been with two of her readers who were a couple, she told me how the panel selected one of the couple as a reader and rejected the other.
Now I knew this couple well, and knew that they were equally suitable, right down to their church of england attitude to the vulnerable, but now, the church of england are so desparate, they will take anyone on, anyone who says that they want a free house, half expenses paid and the respect that the dog collar will earn them.
Although JM used to complain about her salary, which at the time was only £16,500 plus house and half expenses.
Those of you who do not know, JM used to confide the confidences of her work and life and the lives of many of her parishioners to me on our daily walks.
So, a man with piercings and perverse habits can quite easily end up as a priest. Not that I am anti-piercings, but, why would a man who loves God need metal stuck in him? Just the same as, why would a man who loves God need to put a burning stick in his mouth?
More seriously and most importantly, how can a man with such perversions, which damage each and every child used in the pornography for life, be a servant of God?
Saturday 4 January 2014
Wednesday 1 January 2014
New Years Prayers
New Years Day evening,
Prayers, resolutions, greetings.
Good evening, well I am not feeling great, it has been a stressful start to the New Year, with flashbacks, nightmares, bad weather and insomnia. Things can only get better, I hope.
My resolutions, or revolutions are, to cut down on salt and sugar, be more considerate, stop being a wide gob, and to persevere with indoors living and finding ways to ensure my therapy can proceed,
(the trouble with this therapy is that I need to attend every single week, I cannot miss a week, thus I need to ensure the funds and being able to get there, although finance for transport has been offered).
Some people say that resolutions should be secret, but I am not superstitious.
In the Catholic church we confess our sins to each other and God like this:
I confess to Almighty God and to you my brothers and sisters, that I have greatly sinned, through my fault, through my own grevious fault - or similar, that makes us accountable.
So, I confess to you I have sinned, repented and asked God for forgiveness. Amen
In 2013, under great stress from the Church of England, my friends and church and people trying to help me have seen the worst side of me, under severe stress and angry and frightened, avoidant and bewildered, I confess I have worried and stressed my friends and I am sorry.
I confess any other sins that I cannot bring to mind, repent, and resolve to move forward with new intent in this New Year, Amen.
I pray for anyone, who, like me, finds it hard to see new hope in the New Year, for whatever reason, illness, homelessness, grief, break-up of relationships, storm damage, financial difficulties, abuse, trauma, or any other hurts that mean that this New Year's Day brings more despair. Amen
I pray for and bless all who have supported and helped me, and wish them a happy New Year, and likewise I pray for and bless all who have harmed me, especially those in the Church of England. Amen
Prayers, resolutions, greetings.
Good evening, well I am not feeling great, it has been a stressful start to the New Year, with flashbacks, nightmares, bad weather and insomnia. Things can only get better, I hope.
My resolutions, or revolutions are, to cut down on salt and sugar, be more considerate, stop being a wide gob, and to persevere with indoors living and finding ways to ensure my therapy can proceed,
(the trouble with this therapy is that I need to attend every single week, I cannot miss a week, thus I need to ensure the funds and being able to get there, although finance for transport has been offered).
Some people say that resolutions should be secret, but I am not superstitious.
In the Catholic church we confess our sins to each other and God like this:
I confess to Almighty God and to you my brothers and sisters, that I have greatly sinned, through my fault, through my own grevious fault - or similar, that makes us accountable.
So, I confess to you I have sinned, repented and asked God for forgiveness. Amen
In 2013, under great stress from the Church of England, my friends and church and people trying to help me have seen the worst side of me, under severe stress and angry and frightened, avoidant and bewildered, I confess I have worried and stressed my friends and I am sorry.
I confess any other sins that I cannot bring to mind, repent, and resolve to move forward with new intent in this New Year, Amen.
I pray for anyone, who, like me, finds it hard to see new hope in the New Year, for whatever reason, illness, homelessness, grief, break-up of relationships, storm damage, financial difficulties, abuse, trauma, or any other hurts that mean that this New Year's Day brings more despair. Amen
I pray for and bless all who have supported and helped me, and wish them a happy New Year, and likewise I pray for and bless all who have harmed me, especially those in the Church of England. Amen
New Year's (gloomy) message
Good morning,
Well the weather is a bit bad.
It is 2014, and I hope it is a better year, 2013 was a very tough year because the Diocese of Winchester harmed me for 9 months and there was nothing to show for what they did except my life in tatters, me in hiding and the whole rebuild of my life including college and my charity work ruined and terminated because of the serious damage done to me by the Diocese, I had to quit college and I am very sad about that as it was productive, beneficial and focused.
It was March that the Diocese launched on me in a very unmanaged and harmful way, and the end of November by the time they had wrecked my life and left me very unwell, that is most of the year ruined, and I pray earnestly that they do not do any kind of repeat performance or follow-up this year.
I do not need the Diocese's troubles, in my own life I remain vulnerable to dangerous and abusive situations, because, even though I can say that, I still cannot judge motives and can still end up in inappropriate and potentially dangerous situations, as I have done several times in the past year, and having such a one-sided and damaging record from the diocese means I am more at risk, cannot defend myself and have no access to police assistance or protection. I have not improved very much on my ability to judge potentially dangerous or abusive situations, but I feel that if I can both stay off the streets and stay clear of the Diocese and their police, I can go on trying to survive and go on battling to access therapy, and hopefully, with time, my understanding of interpersonal relationships will improve and I will be less vulnerable as well as less fearful and unable to respond to help because of attachment disorder.
It all seems a bit hopeless, my safety and my access to protection from abuse have been ripped from me by the Diocese's need to brand me a criminal and defame me and label me as mad and bad, it leaves a very bleak future whichever way I look at it, I will always be a fugitive from their branding of me and will always have poor quality of life and be at risk and in fear, especially as my problems make their branding of me appear justified despite it being unchristian, callous and wrong, none of them would want to be ruined for being abused and suffeirng disorders beyond their control and unable to cope with the damage, this is why I ask God to let this year be the year that I quietly pass away, another 30 or 40 years of this damaged life is a horrifying thought, though the collective damage to me means I believe my lifespan is already significantly shortened.
As I cannot marry and raise a family, work in a productive or skilled job, let alone work at all, am limited as to what charity work I can do, am villified, branded and denied a second chance at life by the Diocese's recent actions and severely traumatized and physically and emotionally damaged and terrified of intervention, my prayer for death is not irrational or induced by the mental illness that the diocese, unqualified to make such diagnosis, tried to force me to have, and which has been refuted repeatedly, my wish to depart the world is rational and based on the reality of the seriousness of my situation and the lack of hope for anything better or any return of quality of life, escape from poverty and the dangers of the underworld in which I am forced to live, and is not accompanied by suicidal thoughts.
Basically, living in a world where abusers are believed, supported, sheltered, condoned, have a blind eye turned to them, and usually women, children and the vulnerable have to endure abuse and suffer worse if they report it, is not a good thing, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it, and I am waiting on God to be merciful and free me from a world where I am judged worse than an abuser by 'Christians'. Who have no qualms or conscience about their own actions and behaviour and see themselves as good and Christian, despite their untruths, cover-ups, harmful behaviour, abuse, lack of responsibility and accountability, and more.
I didn't sleep until 5am this morning and woke at 8, I am sitting in bed as the rain and wind batter the house, and feeling a bit fed up because I don't drink, didn't drink last night but I have a hangover from lack of sleep.
At least I do not have to go anywhere today, and I pray for all the homeless out in this weather, for shelter.
Because I am the lucky one for now, I am not out in it, but I know what it is like to be homeless in bad weather when everywhere is closed for Christmas and New Year.
Later I will do some New Year's prayers and resolutions.
Last night I was telling someone about the dustbins talking when I was homeless.
I am very active in my sleep, I snore, talk, scream, lash out with my fists, and once in Jersey I even ran out of my room and across the landing, screaming in my sleep.
Being so noisy and disrupted in sleep is not a great thing for a rough sleeper as it can give your hiding place away and put you at risk, and when I was sleeping among the dustbins once, my friend said she came along and she could hear the dustbins chattering away. (it was me, talking in my sleep, I am not mad) :)
Another thing I did when I was sleeping in a church porch was I hit the door so hard that I broke a few nails and had a green hand from the algae on the door. Woah!
Please excuse the gloom of the New Years Message, things can only get better, and it would be nice if I could hope that they would.
Well the weather is a bit bad.
It is 2014, and I hope it is a better year, 2013 was a very tough year because the Diocese of Winchester harmed me for 9 months and there was nothing to show for what they did except my life in tatters, me in hiding and the whole rebuild of my life including college and my charity work ruined and terminated because of the serious damage done to me by the Diocese, I had to quit college and I am very sad about that as it was productive, beneficial and focused.
It was March that the Diocese launched on me in a very unmanaged and harmful way, and the end of November by the time they had wrecked my life and left me very unwell, that is most of the year ruined, and I pray earnestly that they do not do any kind of repeat performance or follow-up this year.
I do not need the Diocese's troubles, in my own life I remain vulnerable to dangerous and abusive situations, because, even though I can say that, I still cannot judge motives and can still end up in inappropriate and potentially dangerous situations, as I have done several times in the past year, and having such a one-sided and damaging record from the diocese means I am more at risk, cannot defend myself and have no access to police assistance or protection. I have not improved very much on my ability to judge potentially dangerous or abusive situations, but I feel that if I can both stay off the streets and stay clear of the Diocese and their police, I can go on trying to survive and go on battling to access therapy, and hopefully, with time, my understanding of interpersonal relationships will improve and I will be less vulnerable as well as less fearful and unable to respond to help because of attachment disorder.
It all seems a bit hopeless, my safety and my access to protection from abuse have been ripped from me by the Diocese's need to brand me a criminal and defame me and label me as mad and bad, it leaves a very bleak future whichever way I look at it, I will always be a fugitive from their branding of me and will always have poor quality of life and be at risk and in fear, especially as my problems make their branding of me appear justified despite it being unchristian, callous and wrong, none of them would want to be ruined for being abused and suffeirng disorders beyond their control and unable to cope with the damage, this is why I ask God to let this year be the year that I quietly pass away, another 30 or 40 years of this damaged life is a horrifying thought, though the collective damage to me means I believe my lifespan is already significantly shortened.
As I cannot marry and raise a family, work in a productive or skilled job, let alone work at all, am limited as to what charity work I can do, am villified, branded and denied a second chance at life by the Diocese's recent actions and severely traumatized and physically and emotionally damaged and terrified of intervention, my prayer for death is not irrational or induced by the mental illness that the diocese, unqualified to make such diagnosis, tried to force me to have, and which has been refuted repeatedly, my wish to depart the world is rational and based on the reality of the seriousness of my situation and the lack of hope for anything better or any return of quality of life, escape from poverty and the dangers of the underworld in which I am forced to live, and is not accompanied by suicidal thoughts.
Basically, living in a world where abusers are believed, supported, sheltered, condoned, have a blind eye turned to them, and usually women, children and the vulnerable have to endure abuse and suffer worse if they report it, is not a good thing, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it, and I am waiting on God to be merciful and free me from a world where I am judged worse than an abuser by 'Christians'. Who have no qualms or conscience about their own actions and behaviour and see themselves as good and Christian, despite their untruths, cover-ups, harmful behaviour, abuse, lack of responsibility and accountability, and more.
I didn't sleep until 5am this morning and woke at 8, I am sitting in bed as the rain and wind batter the house, and feeling a bit fed up because I don't drink, didn't drink last night but I have a hangover from lack of sleep.
At least I do not have to go anywhere today, and I pray for all the homeless out in this weather, for shelter.
Because I am the lucky one for now, I am not out in it, but I know what it is like to be homeless in bad weather when everywhere is closed for Christmas and New Year.
Later I will do some New Year's prayers and resolutions.
Last night I was telling someone about the dustbins talking when I was homeless.
I am very active in my sleep, I snore, talk, scream, lash out with my fists, and once in Jersey I even ran out of my room and across the landing, screaming in my sleep.
Being so noisy and disrupted in sleep is not a great thing for a rough sleeper as it can give your hiding place away and put you at risk, and when I was sleeping among the dustbins once, my friend said she came along and she could hear the dustbins chattering away. (it was me, talking in my sleep, I am not mad) :)
Another thing I did when I was sleeping in a church porch was I hit the door so hard that I broke a few nails and had a green hand from the algae on the door. Woah!
Please excuse the gloom of the New Years Message, things can only get better, and it would be nice if I could hope that they would.
Happy New 2014
Happy New Year,
New Year is about staying up late, drinking tea and watching films, so we duly done that and now I should go to sleep but I don't know if I will, yes I probably will.
Now it is the new year, back to normal, whatever that is.
The fireworks were lovely.
Will it be a better year? Can it be worse? I guess the Diocese have the answers.
New Year is about staying up late, drinking tea and watching films, so we duly done that and now I should go to sleep but I don't know if I will, yes I probably will.
Now it is the new year, back to normal, whatever that is.
The fireworks were lovely.
Will it be a better year? Can it be worse? I guess the Diocese have the answers.
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