yesses and no's

• no, the police, the church of england and anyone connected with them are not to contact me.
• yes I will go mad every time they do.
• no, there is no genuine inquiry into my complaints
• yes the diocese and their 'enquiries' are a lie.

In the end of my days in Winchester before I was driven out by Jane Fisher, I phoned the diocese many times and asked for Jane Fisher to be withdrawn from my life.

This was used against me by Jane Fisher and claimed to be harrassment.

How ridiculous is it that she was able to go on and on harming me behind my back and without my permission and yet she got me done for protesting.

And yet, the police treated me as mad and refused my complaint against her!

This is how this whole thing has been. One-sided, I have been treated as mad and bad and branded, while Fisher remains free to destroy vulnerable people.

Good morning,

Well yesterday evening I got something that made me angry, it was a message from someone calling themselves 'Denis McGee' and the message was titled 'States of Jersey Police investigation', it seems to have been a waste of time telling that tinpot corrupt police force that is overseen (or not really overseen) by my abuser's friend,. that there is no investigation and they are to get off my back.
I think maybe they can't even read, so my previous email asking them to stop harrassing me seems to have been disregarded.

There is no investigation because there is no just and unbiased judge in Jersey, they have a choice of Philip Bailhache, who ran a hate campaign against me, magistrate Bridget Shaw who is the wife of the rector of St. Clements, the magistrate who had me destroyed for the Dean, or the magistrate who has been in prison for fraud, and none of those are going to give a just judgement.

when is someone going to step in and get the police and the church of England off my back?

Last night I went to do my homework in church as choir practiced, I am going to end up recruited to choir one day, but I will dodge that as long as I can, a choir lady came in and said she had heard I was doing my walk again and where was the sponsor form? word has already gone around.
After choir I went for my walk, looked at the scene around me, the lights of the road, the water in the dark, the train track, everything that to me is beautiful, because I love it, and because it is freedom, and I thought 'why should the cold senseless diocese and police rip this from me just for their own agenda? why wont someone stop them?! when will someone stop them?!'.

I went to my sleeping place, and it was tension that kept me awake, not the usual weekend noise, my blood was boiling about the tinpot police contacting me.
My friend must have been suffering insomnia too, she texted me at nearly midnight, her texts included 'are you coming next weekend?'
Oh no!
Next weekend is already absolutely packed! The last thing I need is a trip to London as well! Even so, in some ways I do need a trip to London, and so I will have to think hard about it.
Next weekend, the anniversary of me leaving Jersey occurs on one of the busiest weekends in the busiest month of my life since I was made homeless, the volume of things happening is incredible and it is also lovely to be part of it all, but on the other hand, there is a distinct possibility that the diocese and police will launch their full-on attack then in order to fulfil their own agenda and stop me returning to Jersey, which is silly because why would I return to the corrupt Godless island?  Why would I leave everything I love, in order to go and live in a dictatorship where I have no rights, no voice and the distinct possibility of being brutalized and imprisoned?!

The silence from the investigation/what investigation? part 1

The silence from John Gladwin and Christine Daley tells me that the investigation was only ever a show, a public pretence of justice, which included no justice at all, this is a new ploy by the church of england to silence abuse victims, the church makes a big big show about abuse and apology and does nothing.
This is what the Chichester victims have experienced and also others.
It makes the church look good, deludes people with small brains that the church of england is making itself accountable, and all is cosy and rosy, except for the victims, who, like me, have no voice.

John Gladwin never made any effort to make contact with me, Bob Hill forced his hand, and at first John Gladwin went on about London and Jersey and made no effort to answer Bob's questions about meeting, Bob persisted until John Gladwin agreed.
Christine Daley was at the meeting, and she was basically the person who gave me hope that there might be something worthwhile about the enquiry, but that didn't last long.

Christine was very genuine and spoke with great clarity so I could understand her very clearly, she was nice, helpful and genuine. She had very obvious understanding of the autistic spectrum and mental health and she spoke in pictures, which I find very helpful.

But the meeting was a token one, and nothing followed, not even the minutes which Bob requested. There was no way that I could tell John and Christine everything in a few hours, especially not as Bob Hill, rightly or wrongly, said I might have to tell what happened to me previously in the Winchester diocese before Jersey because Bailhache, Ashenden and the rest were using it in their hate campaign against me, again one-sided.
(I feel completely damned by that hate campaign and they appear to have achieved their aim in invalidating me, as well as leaving me feeling helpless, damned and traumatized).

The real enquiry was then hijacked by a collegue of Philip Bailhache, who is the most powerful man in Jersey and also the man mentioned in my previous post as having led a hate campaign against me in defence of the Dean who damaged me.
This colleague of Philip Bailhache was also close to other people who harmed me, including magistrate Richard Falle, and yet the diocese of Winchester and John Gladwin allowed the enquiry to be hijacked, John Gladwin refused to answer any correspondence from me or from Bob Hill after that and Christine Daley claimed Dame Heather Steel's enquiry was nothing to do with her and John's enquiry, well who and what is Dame Steel's enquiry to do with, then? Nothing has been explained to me at all, especially not by the Diocese or the Gladwin/Daley team. And yet this whole enquiry is claimed to be to do with me and to do with vulnerable people!!!!!!!!!!!
And yet, all they have done is damage me, refuse to communicate, allow a conflicted enquiry!

And no doubt my cries of protest are treated as insanity, again.

The lack of response is basically a foreshadowing of the result of any of these enquiries, and the enquiries do not even cover my complaint, which is against the diocese of Winchester and Jane Fisher, the dangerous loose cannon safeguarding officer, who thinks she's great, but she destroyed me, so I don't agree with her about her being great.

With regards to Dame Heather Steel, apparently she approached the diocese and 'offered her assistance', as a close colleague of Bailhache and others, she may well have conferred with them and the Dean and offered to prevent my complaint for them by doing this and thus preventing John Gladwin or someone else from carrying out a genuine impartial enquiry, though how an enquiry where the church of England is investigating itself  can be truly impartial I do not know.

Lets look at how this enquiry is structured, as far as I know:

John Gladwin, church of England Bishop, investigating the church of England - impartial? gathering by his silence and unwillingness to engage not just with me, but with Bob, who is reasonable, judging by the way Bob had to force an interview, John Gladwin isn't going to conduct a fair enquiry, he has his comission, he has probably been given an outcome to conclude at the start, just as the Korris report was done without my views and was coloured by Jane Fisher who I have a complaint against.

Christine Daley or Daly, a social/mental health worker, I do agree to her involvement, the church of england would have been stupid not to have someone like her, but why has she refused to even send the minutes of the meeting, why has she tried to force irrelevant help on me and why is she standing by and allowing me to go on being hurt?

Archdeacon Norman Russell, I do not know this guy, but he is reputed to be respected in the church of england, whether that is a good thing or not.
I do not know his part in this, well no-one has explained anything of this enquiry to me, but I can't make a judgement about him because I do not know. He is part of the archbishop's elite, but he is also probably a colleague of Tim Dakin, from when Tim was part of that clique, and does that make him impartial? And who else was he friends with that might make him conflicted? The same with John Gladwin, the church of england should not be investigating themselves, as someone pointed out. The diocese of Winchester boasting and glorifying themselves love to call it an independently led investigation, but it is not, where is a leader who is not part of the church of england or not conflicted?

Dame Steel: The day Dame Steel's enquiry was announced, I was suicidal because of the impact of the Korris report and hate campaign, Bob Hill emailed me and titled the email 'charade' and broke the news that the enquiry had been hijacked by Philip Bailhache's close colleague who he had once asked to give a speech at one of his meetings, this colleague was Dame Heather Steel.
Dame Steel had apparently 'approached' the Diocese of Winchester and was allowed to simply take over the enquiry. rather than let John Gladwin do a proper enquiry like the one at Chichester.
Obviously no-one in Jersey wants a genuine enquiry, the way they have behaved about it is pretty terrible, but then they found the solution, Dame Steel can trash it for them.

And as well as not bothering to check about the enquiry being conflicted, Tim Dakin refused complaints about it being conflicted and allowed it to proceed.
Already deeply damaged by the Korris report and the hate campaign and the threats from Dakin, I was basically defeated.
How anyone thinks that this is about me or my complaints or justice, I do not know.

I was not made aware of Dame Steel's role, in fact the diocese deliberately witheld that information until Steel began her enquiry, and then it was very vage and open to misinterpretation, I certainly still do not understand.

Steel is officially given permission by Tim Dakin to invite anyone she like to help her in the enquiry, anyone, including my abuser, his brother, Philip Bailhache, Richard falle, Bruce Willis, or anyone else who has harmed me, that part of her terms of reference is clear, and yet John Gladwin, Tim Dakin and all others, are standing by and letting this happen.

Dame Steel made no attempt to contact me, but she and Tim Dakin's advocate who he has appointed in Jersey, Chris Schoelfield of Viberts solicitors, made an illegal and incongruent attempt to access my court papers from advocate Clare Nicholl, they did not contact me first, ask my permission or consider the harm to me of contacting the advocate who stood by and let the diocese of Winchester destroy me in 2010.

I objected with great anger, the diocese and their hurts to me when they should not have even been able to launch on me again and damage me after everything they had done, was already way too much for me.

I told advocate Schoelfield what I thought of this violation of my privacy and rights and forbade Clare Nicholl from passing any paperwork to Steel and Schoelfield with great anger.
I was disgusted at Nicholl, her pretence at friendliness and asking how I was, how am I since you destroyed me and left me on the streets?!

But Steel had nothing to say to me, treating me with the same contemptuous silence that John Gladwin had originally.

The Bishop of Winchester was apparently allowed to 'appoint a police officer' from Jersey police to assist Dame Steel, but judging by the silence, I am not allowed to appoint a police officer to protect me from the Diocese of Winchester and Dame Steel.

Again, this appointment of a police officer was a conflict of interests, and again Dakin ignored this, I forbade Steel and this officer to access my police records, because for a start my records are proven inaccurate and what is the point of a conflicted enquiry seizing on damagingly inaccurate records and damaging me further?!

But again, this conflict of interests continued, with an officer who neither knew me nor the case apparently allowing Philip Bailhache's colleague to access my records despite my email of complaint to the police, which I will post on this blog if and when Dame Steel launches her attack on me and defense of the wrongdoers.

The Diocese of Winchester, John and Christine, Dame Steel and all others, have made no attempt at all to explain anything or allay my fears, they have left me suffering, so does anyone think that this enquiry is about my complaints or for my benefit?

So, would Dame Steel have contacted me or asked for my side of things if the church in jersey hadn't posted a massive advert in the JEP advertising Dame Steel as representing them? I doubt it.
I didn't have Any contact details for Dame Steel and no attempt had been made to contact me for her enquiry until the church in Jersey, the 'laity' of the church of England, which includes Bruce Willis, Philip Bailhache, Ian LeMarquand and others, posted a huge advert that listed Dame Steel as their contact for a complaint against Tim Dakin, I agree Tim Dakin has handled this appallingly and has treated me like dirt on his shoe, but what I cannot understand is, if he is paying Steel to investigate the clergy in Jersey, why is she working on behalf of the Jersey church and advertised as such by the Jersey church who give her contact details to anyone wanting to make a complaint against Tim Dakin?!

So Bob Hill enquired to Dame Steel about this and got no reply to this or a number of subsequent queries.

I also used the information kindly provided by the Jersey churches to contact Dame Steel, I got a cold reply where she calls me Ms..... or Miss.... I have no doubt that she does not speak to her colleagues and friends in Jersey in this manner, in one sense I was just testing to see if the Jersey church really did have her contact details and if they really were using her to represent them.
The cold reply told me that yes, it was true.

Steel made a token offer to interview me in London, but made no attempt to explain how I was to get there or if I could stay somewhere, but since it was very obvious that she was working for the Jersey churches, I told her she must be joking, so basically she has simply proceeded full steam ahead to ruin me for the church in Jersey, and no-one who I have contacted has done anything to prevent this or remove her and bring in an impartial enquiry.

tbc.

Traumas from the past six months/inaccurate Korris report exhaustive lists:

The Diocese of Winchester burst back into my life in the most traumatic way, through the police, and at Easter of all times, when I was least able to seek help and support.

Then followed a stream of traumas, awful inaccurate press articles in Jersey and a hate campaign in Jersey, led by two people who had never even met me! Gavin Ashenden and Philip Bailhache.
Gavin Ashenden is a clergyman and Philip Bailhache is or was a church officer and on the Deanery Synod.

I find it incredible that a clergyman can cast stones at someone who he doesn't even know and still wear his dog collar, let alone call himself a Christian, what kind of example is this man setting to his flock? He was not even in Jersey when I was there, yet he has heard rumours and one side of things from Phil and Heather Warren's parent-in-law who used to be in Hampshire, and are now in Guernsey and he feels that that licences him to verbally attack me in the media and write to the church times making out that I am mentally ill and thus not believable.

Firstly where in Jesus' teaching or example did Jesus ever condemn someone he didn't know? Or condone it? He said 'let He who is without sin cast the first stone'. And Ashenden and Bailhache are far from without sin.
Secondly Gavin Ashenden, whether the enquiry believe it or not, and whether the churches and clergy in Jersey believe it or not, has demonstrated just how much a visitation in Jersey is needed, though sadly Dame Steel has been allowed to prevent a visitation and enquiry and thus nothing will ever be done.

Gavin Ashenden's example of why a visitation is needed includes his attitude to mental illness, he has no understanding of it at all and has decided, especially to the church times, that people with mental illness, a significant proportion of the population, are not valid. Which would be interesting if he or one of his clique in Jersey was ever diagnosed with depression, thus becoming 'mentally ill, he would no longer be a valid human being, in his own classification, but a drivelling condemned liar, which is how he has classified me.
He furthered his warped view of Christianity at the Grouville meeting by stating that no-one on the island would want to help me.
I wonder what he actually thinks he is doing in light of the fact that he is not only supposed to be a Christian but is also supposed to be serving Jesus. I wonder what exactly a dog collar means to these Jersey clergy, or rather, I already know, it is a comfortable, powerful and very lazy way of life, one church each, not much to do, privilages that do not exist for UK mainland clergy, lots of pomp and vip treatment at festivities and  ceremonies, a small island with much power for these very self-important clergy, but as is demonstrated over and over again, very little Christianity or compassion.

Gavin Ashenden famously did a talk at the Tuesday meeting in Church house in St. Helier, the same meeting that Robb Averty and all rabid evangelicals attend, he spoke of demon posession and how he publicly drove a demon out of a 'mentally ill woman', it is not at all surprising that Gavin Ashenden was selected by the Jersey Deanery, he joins the 'cult' or 'magic' evangelical circle which is growing in Jersey, which Jane Fisher tried to tell me did not exist, which Mark Bond told me was now the only kind of clergy that the Dean would allow into Jersey, although I do not know the truth of what Mark Bond said.

So, Gavin Ashenden condemns the mentally ill and thinks that they are the lowest of the low, unwelcome and profane, there to show off about casting demons out.
But the thing is, all through this matter, I have been labelled mentally ill by Jane Fisher, and this has been facilitated through the Korris report, and it isn't true.

Jane Fisher repeatedly and forcefully tried to have me put away as mentally ill, and repeatedly failed, because I am not.
I am not mentally well either, but I am repeatedly assessed as free from serious mental illness and deeply deeply damaged by the attempts by Jane Fisher to solve me as a problem by having me put away.

I am on the autistic spectrum, with possible reactive attachment disorder, I am severely psychologically damaged and I am diagnosed as suffering severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. None of these are serious mental illness, all of them are from birth, upbringing and background; and if you were to look at Gavin Ashenden or Bob key's backgrounds, you would undoubtedly find them very comfortable and with no trauma. And definitely in the case of Philip Bailhache who went to £32,000 a year private school.
So isn't it ridiculous that these people, who wear dog collars and are ordained to God, who have never wanted for anything - and wealthy background does seem to be a requirement of Church of England priests and lay workers, are condemning me, when they have never met me, in order to protect the Dean, who has done wrong, and completely forgetting why they are supposed to be there and how they got there in the first place!

Interestingly enough, Gavin Ashenden uses mental illness against me as a crime and cites the stories of Reverend Phil Warren's parent's in law, but omits the fact that Phil Warren's mother in law, Heather Warren's mother, who damaged me so much, is seriously mentally ill herself, and as well as causing me to be admitted to hospital through her actions, she used to wish Heather dead as a child. Phil and Heather Warren and Heather Warren's parents and Gavin Ashenden are all very much part of the cult evangelical clique that covers Jersey, Guernsey where the parents in law and other members of that family worship and lead churches and also the Witchurch Deanery, where both Gavin Ashenden and Heather Warren's parents previously were.
This cult element involves things like: getting children to lay hands on adults as if to heal them, controlling people through prayers, I saw a lot of this psychologically damaging practice in the Witchurch deanery and in Jersey, and a number of other psychological 'tricks' which were taught by visiting 'big figures' in evangelical circles and also apparently by things that the Warrens brought back from the states, including the psychologically controlling words 'there are Satanists in ....... (Jersey) praying for the breakup of clergy marriage. And the constant attempt to trivilise abuse and validate people by using forgiveness and accusations of lying to excuse abuse.
Jane Fisher tried to excuse all this and condemn me, much as the clergy did, she refused to take my complaint seriously or tell me that anything would be done. And she wonders why I got angry! And then the Korris report backs her up and makes me out to be insane.

Although they are trained and ordained clergy and elected officers, the clergy and church officers in Jersey seem to know nothing of the following:

• Jesus taught 'forgive others their wrongs/percieved wrongs, or God will not forgive you - the hate campaign isn't just a lack of forgiveness, it was a full blown hate campaign with slander and libel and done in a way that I had no voice to answer them, do you think clergy should be publicly attacking someone who they consider to be mentally ill? How do you think attacking someone who is ill affects them? I can tell you that attacking someone who is traumatized the way I am has done severe severe damage, and is that appropriate for clergy?
• Jesus did not discriminate or exclude, he included tax collectors, protitutes and lepers, he included Legion, who was 'insane', and he healed legion and taught him, he did not run a hate campaign and write an inventory of legion's presumed sins and display them in public as the Jersey Deanery have done to me. The clergy in Jersey would only keep company with lepers, pharisees and other minorities in order to show off, and they would only do it at arm's length.
• Jesus said 'let he who is without sin cast the first stone - obviously Gavin Ashenden, Bruce Willings and Philip Bailhache shouldn't be on this earth, they assume that they are without sin.
• Jesus said it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven, Bob key gets is it a quarter of a million a year as well as a free house and many many free meals, Bob Key deliberately sabotaged an abuse case by being biased, and went on to call me wicked and say I wasn't abused, he had me ruined and put in prison, he was reinstated without enquiry and his clergy treat him like a hero, so the Jersey Deanery isn't much to do with Christianity is it? Bruce Willis, also a wealthy old man, who like a lot of people, especially those at the Grouville meeting, is there because of wealth and status, published blatant and libellous untruths about me in the local press, the local newspaper in Jersey is owned and run by my abuser's brother, who was also recently accused of sexual misconduct and that was quickly swept under the carpet due to his connections. And then there is Philip Bailhache, who runs the island with his brother William, together they decide who to promote or destroy, and destroy is the correct word, if anyone does anything to upset them or challenge them, people who speak out, people who rock the boat, like myself, challenging the Dean, or Stuart Syvret challenging all kinds of wrongdoing, especially to do with Haute de La Garrenne, which appears to be a sore spot with Philip Bailhache, who did not want haute de la Garenne investigated, he does not like abuse being investigated, he was opposed to Haute de la Garrenne being investigated, he was opposed to the abuse at Victoria college being dealt with, this is Senator Philip Bailhache, who was a church officer and on the Deanery Synod with my abuser. Does anyone see anything resembling Christianity in this wealth and abuse of power?

I am going to stop at this point and share with you. 

Looked-after rough sleeper

I have heard so many myths about my life since the Korris rubbish was published, mainly comments on Jersey blogs and utter inaccuracies in the press.
I have heard myself described as 'foraging lonely for scraps' and 'On the streets of London' etc. As well as much worse things and lies about what has happened and lies about me.

I do not respond well to being over-looked-after, which is what the church of england people who have helped and abused me have done, heavily over-involved themselves and tried to meet their own needs through me, although sometimes they were quite altruistic, their own problems and needs meant that their involvement with me was harmful. In my current life I receive non-intrusive care from stable, balanced people and feel very safe in that care, and it has shown me, miraculously that I can still love and trust.

So what is my life really like? what am I really like?

Until a year ago, I was a travelling rough sleeper, trying to stay beyond the interference of the Diocese of Winchester, which the police refused to prevent. Now I stay in one area and pray with all my heart for the Diocese to leave me alone. I am 'supported' rough sleeper, you have heard of 'supported living', well someone invented 'supported rough sleeping' and it works well while I can't live indoors.
I do wander still and I am ready to up sticks if the diocese voilates my life directly or indirectly.

well, here is the general view of things, each day is different:
I wake in the early morning, make sure no-one is around to see me move, because even if they see me lying on the ground wrapped up, they would assume I was a bloke until I got up and moved, and if the wrong person knows there is a female rough sleeper, that could cause a problem.

When I get up I stash my bedding, drink water, use the loo, brush my hair and use some mouthwash.
Then if I have fuel, I light the stove and brew tea and heat water to wash in, if there is no fuel then I may wash in cold water if I need to, I have to do the more private bits of my wash in the toilet, wet wipes and deodorant, but I wash every day, and everything gets washed. I do not look like a rough sleeper, if a rough sleeper looks rough, I am washed and fed and basically have good quality of life for a rough sleeper.

Anyway, once I am washed in the morning, or if there is no fuel for the stove, I go down to the cafe, yes even if I have just brewed tea, unless I am running late, or have no money, in which case no cafe, the attraction of the cafe is internet access, so I can start my day's computer things.

At the cafe I check my emails, check my blogs and other people's blogs, update my day to day blog, start my interactions with my friends on the Christian forums, ie, chat about how things are, pray for others, post prayers etc. I also check the weather for the next 24 hours so I can plan my day and night, I also read the papers at the cafe and catch up on news.

After cafe, or after my wash if I am late, I go to breakfast club/pastoral care. I get some good hot porridge and a chat, and I am given some food for the day, sandwiches and things.

What happens during the day depends on the day, on Monday and Thursday I go to a church coffee morning, on Thursday that includes a knitting lesson for me, on Tuesday I go to a special needs group for coffee, and sometimes a light lunch, On Saturday I have lunch with the same group, There are various church activities during the week that I either join or make use of the church and kitchen while they are on, I can get cups of tea and sit and do my homework or use the church toilets to get a wash while the church is open, and three nights a week I go to evening classes at college. I help out as an extra pair of hands at various church things as well.
I also make a lot of use of the library for internet blog work, Christian forums, writing, emails and other computer activities.
Life is quite full, and Sunday is the best day of course, the whole morning and sometimes part of the rest of the day is taken up with my church and my beloved church people, it is a lovely time, full of love, and the afternoons are often spent relaxing and reading and drinking a lot of tea.
I am on a volunteer register but despite the good in my life, the instability of life and the last six months of the diocese hurting me means I have been limited in capability even more then usual and so I haven't been doing much, although I am preparing for my annual sponsored walk.

So that is the life I lead, it is certainly not the conventional rough sleeping life of doorways and begging, I have never been like that, my life is more like an extraordinary version of an ordinary life.
In some ways, I have better quality of life than I have ever had, and this is why the diocese of Winchester's onslaught is so terrifying, because I know that they can wipe this out as they have wiped my life out before, and this time it is very worrying, because this new build of my life has been hard-fought and is precarious in the face of the danger of the diocese and police. It is also a life built on dissociation from the diocese and fear of the police and the record I will never come to terms with, it is a life built on a devastated bomb site of the old life, but it is a life where I know my people and they know me, people who greet me in the street or have a cuppa with me, times where I stay over with friends and times where we have a great time at church events, precious fragile new life, in eternal danger from the diocese of Winchester and the police.

ready to continue

Good morning.

I have had a break from writing for a few days because I have been struggling with depression.

One of my biggest barriers to writing any form of blog on these matters is the trauma. I need to write because my side of things has been wiped out, drowned out and ignored and a conflicted enquiry that will prevent justice has gone ahead and has omitted my complaint against the Diocese of Winchester and their dangerous Safeguarding officer, Jane Fisher.

I hope to continue writing, first telling you some of my side of the last awful distressing and traumatic since months since the diocese forcefully and illegally had me traced and hurt me relentlessly ever since, and then moving on to the historic matters.

Can I tell you what it is like for me now? In three weeks time I am planning on doing my annual solo sponsored walk, this is no small feat as it is 70 miles and I am lame, I did it last year and raised £280, the walk is through one of my favourite places and I am actually excited about it as I loved it last year,  but, and it is the same with all my college courses, activities and therapy and pastoral care, I am living in fear of the diocese coming along with their damaging conflicted inquiry and ripping this life off me and having me locked up again just to suit their agenda, and because they have done this to me before and repeatedly, this is no unfounded fear, as I prepare to announce my walk and plan it in detail, I expect the diocese to launch their attack over the next week in order to prevent me from returning to Jersey.

Though why I would want to return to Jersey, I have no idea, go back to suffering in a community that closed me out and damned me? a community where priests and politicians can do henious things and be protected and promoted? No, I am better off on the streets of the UK

The diocese and their bishop are cold, soulless people with not an atom of Christianity or compassion in them, they can destroy me very easily and I have no defence, the police refuse to protect me from the diocese and treat me as insane and bad. And that means no matter how I have worked to rebuild and enrich my life, I will always be under restriction and fear and opression. basically no matter what I do or anyone does to help me, it remains that I am damned by a police record and at risk from interventions by the diocese of Winchester and police attacks for my reaction forever.

This is why I intend to stay on the streets, move on if I have to escape the diocese, and stay ahead of the police and their attacks at all costs, even if I have to commit suicide rather than be brutalized and locked in again.

waiting for the Diocese to hurt me again

This is from my poetry (haha) blog on one of my other blog boards:

Waiting:

the days are full of fear
and the nights full of tension

awaiting news 
I don't want to hear

it feels like I can't breathe
stuck in limbo

can't move
nothing I can say or do

waiting for the final blow
unheard and waiting

what did the Korris report miss out or describe inaccurately part 1 of an exhaustive lists

The Korris report allowed Jane Fisher to cover up her misconduct. And the Korris report was written without any attempt to contact me and get my views or ask if I still had a complaint. And basically after destroying me for persuing my complaint, an enquiry that omits me and my views, years later and leaves me humiliated and suffering, is not acceptable..
It was written and then I was launched upon by the police and diocese, who used the Korris report as an excuse to once again violate my life.

Let me start giving you an accurate account of the things that the Korris report misses out, this first section describes Jane Fisher's interference in my life on my return to Winchester, where she had me tricked and trapped in her associate's house, and how she used my traumatized and horrified reaction to that against me in court in Sussex without telling the court what had caused my reaction. Please note it is also omitted from the Korris report that Jane Fisher brought charges against me in Sussex, the only thing I saw written in the Korris report about it before I collapsed with distress is something vague about me being arrested after being found outside th Bishop's house, Jane Fisher exonorating herself yet again. That is certainly NOT what happened.

• I described Jane Fisher and the Bishop's friend who trapped me in her house as Julia Willis, I think it was Wills, not Willis. She lived in Upper Brook Street, Winchester.
• Julia was called Juli for short and lived in upper Brook Street, tricked me indoors just before Christmas 2010 without letting me know she knew Jane Fisher and the Bishop, and said 'Jane said you would react like this' when I found out, she then tried to trap me in the house as I went to leave.
• Apparently Jane Fisher went to the Trinity Centre (homeless centre) after Christmas with things I left behind at Juli's house.
• Jane Fisher proceeded to use that visit to interfere in my relationship with the Trinity centre and my homeless friend 'Haggis' who was used to pass messages to me. My friendship with Haggis broke as I no longer trusted him.
• I fled from Juli on Christmas eve and kept phoning Jane because I was utterly shocked and in despair and my Christmas was ruined
• Jane claimed in court in Sussex that I phoned or texted her 40 times that Christmas eve, and claims I contacted her at a time when I had gone into an unlocked church after midnight mass and gone to sleep. She omitted from the court that I phoned her because of Juli. 
• Basically Jane Fisher has got away with seriously damaging me with her interference and has ruined me for my reaction.
• If you were alone, isolated and vulnerable, how would you cope with the safeguarding officer from hell intervening in your life, getting her story accross to protect the Diocese with no thought of the damage to you, repeatedly intervening behind your back until you could trust no-one and making you out to be mad for your reactions?

Here is another example of concerns surrounding the Korris report and it's omissions, as well as concerns about the Diocese, this was sent to the Diocese and the police a few months ago, and yet nothing has been done about Jane Fisher.

I am also writing to make further formal observations about Jane Fisher for my formal complaint against her.

• As follows:  Bishop Tim's threats against me appear to be because the Korris report incorrectly claimed I was under a restraining order that prevented me 'contacting church officers'
• This, as far as I know, is untrue and again appears to be Jane Fisher's doing, the court case in Sussex involved Jane Fisher and Bishop scott-Joynt bringing charges against me. No mention was made of church officers or church staff, and you need the trascripts to see both that and to be made aware of other untruths by Jane Fisher and the Bishop which were told in court.
• I have very little understanding of anything told in court but nothing was mentioned except Bishop Scott-Joynt and Jane Fisher's charges against me, no mention of anything to do with anyone else in the church was made, and the aim, from what Jane Fisher amd Bishop Scott-Joynt appeared to be doing, was again to have me put away as mad.
• The outcome is beyond my understanding but was not what Bob has told me this morning, a 'restraining order', they spoke of a 'community order' which is not the same thing, the only thing Bob was correct on was something to do with a map to do with the Bishop's house, I was given a map but no-one told me what it meant and I cannot read maps.
• The map meant that I could not go back to an area that I loved and where I used to work, the area where the Bishop had moved to, and that was very upsetting to me, I had been back there before I knew the Bishop had moved there as it was a happy memory and not something Jane Fisher had taken off me like Winchester.
• I worked near where the Bishop moved to, the Bishop's new house was on a driveway shared with the shop, and I never went on the Bishop's property or sent him letters, I went to the shop by his house, where I had been long before he lived there, when I used to work nearby.
• Jane Fisher appears to have made the case and outcome into what she wanted and what covered her back in the Korris report.
• If she did not and there was really a restraining order for two years that I should not contact church officers, then why was this not explained to me? It most certainly was not!!!!!!!!! and i do not believe it to be the case! no wonder Dakin was threatening me, BUT!
• why if there was a restraining order, did Dakin have me traced within the two years?! basically, he and the police by tracing me, were inciting me to break a 'restraining order'!
• But, there was no restraining order, the Korris report has further shockingly harmed me by again covering Jane Fisher's back and making something up, Jane Fisher did not bring charges on behalf of the church, the Diocese or Wolvsley, she liased with the Scott-Joynts and brought charges against me for herself when I was in custody for Bishop scott-Joynt!!!!!!!!!!! And in court she said that she 'wanted to go on helping me', can you imagine that after years and years of me screaming at Scott-Joynt to withdraw her! and that she has got me a record I will not recover from!  Can you imagine that, she was bringing charges against me, presumably having me put under a restraining order and then 'wanting to help me!' I left court feeling that her 'wanting to help me' was her continuing to force herself on me, especially behind my back,  and have me charged every time I objected!!!!!!!!!!! This is why I went on the run and changed my name!
• And I did face further intrusions either because of my record or because of further attempts by Jane Fisher.
• This has been one-sided for too long.
• I suppose the reason they launched this report this year is because Jane Fisher thought the community order or whatever else would be expired and not relevant, and she would not be investigated, I do want her investigated, and I will never ever recover from what she has done, that criminal record means I will never work or be part of society again, nor will I ever ever come to terms with it. The reason I want to die is the police brutality and records.
• I did not go to the Scott-Joynt's house, ever, I did not go on their property unless they own the shop driveway and I have been going to that shop since I was in my early 20's, when the Scott-Joynts were still described by Juliet as the 'Snobs at Wolvsley'.
• I did not send anything to the Scott-Joynts, i was reliving my time of working in West Sussex, when I was happy and useful and strong
• The closest i got to the Scott-Joynts was being tempted to water a planter on their side of the driveway with my water bottle as the plant was parched, and phoning them as Bishop scott-Joynt had walked away leaving me destitute and destroyed, especially by the Jersey matter and police brutality and detention on 14/02/11, from which I will never recover.
• Any human being, autistic or not, would be outraged that someone responsible could walk away from a mess like that, and he was walking away from my complaint against Jane Fisher, leaving her to continue to harm me and other vulnerable adults, which is not acceptable, the police told me it was Jane fisher who had had me detained on 14/02/11 on behalf of the Bishop, and in Jersey it was also Jane Fisher on behalf of the Bishop.
• Why is jane Fisher still working with vulnerable adults?
• why was this slanderous and inaccurate Korris report published and since the innacuracies are showing up and damaging me, why is it not withdrawn? The Diocese of Winchester are showing through leaving the Korris report online, that they are not just not commited to safeguarding vulnerable adults but they do not care about the further damage they are inflicting on a vulnerable adult.
• This is also the case regarding Bob key's vague and directionless apology, why has that been put online for show? I was never made aware of that apology. The Diocese did not make me aware of it, and they did not warn me they were reinstating the Dean, they had previously said they would not reinstate him without investigation, and then they did.
• Jane Fisher and the Diocese have used me as a pawn to put these awful things online for public view with no thought to my feelings at all and have damaged me terribly, so, why is Jane fisher still working with vulnerable adults and why am I being made to suffer and when are the Diocese and church going to remove these things?!

Further points on Jane Fisher:

• why, after I screamed for her to be withdrawn after her bullying of me and refusal to deal with my complaint, was she allowed to contact the prison and continue to rape my life and force on me there? when I asked to see the methodist or catholic chaplain, I was made to see the frothy airhead church of england chaplain and it was not confidential as jane Fisher was behind it, would any of you like to be in prison and have something you did not want forced on you by one of the people who had put you in prison?! and don't be fooled by the way jane Fisher has excused herself for putting me in prison, she is as responsible as Bob Key and Michael Scott-Joynt, she had me arrested after not dealing with my complaints or my abusers and after bullying me until I hated her and screamed for her to be withdrawn.
• This is important and appears to have been omitted: The Korris report claims that I was refusing help and diagnosis, which was never the case and is verifiable. This 'refusal of help and diagnosis' is Jane Fisher's excuse for interfering and calling meetings behind my back and against my human rights of privacy and dignity. 
• In my last months in Jersey I was under my doctor's care, on anti-depressants and awaiting a psychology appointment with the new specialist psychologist who specialized in autism. I had previously asked jane Fisher, when I was on speaking terms, to help me with hospital and specialist treatment forms when she went on about helping me, but she laughed as if it was a joke and so I ended up in prison rather than receiving the care and therapy I was trying to apply for. As for the social worker, I was finding it hard to find times to meet her outside of work and other commitments, was not able to meet her after I lost my car when I went on the run from jane Fisher and Tracy's attempt to section me, I also have the right and choice as an adult to end relationships and in the case of the social worker I was not benefitting and was afraid of another sectioning attempt, so I did as I have a right to do, and ended the relationship, It was none of jane fisher's business, nor should she have had any leeway to find out about my social care or therapeutic relationships without my leave, and seeing as she had scorned my request for help with hospital and therapy forms as if it was a joke, then she should not have been intruding in the way that SHE chose, behind my back and intrusively.
• The intrusions by Jane Fisher, both in Jersey and Winchester are illegal, a form of harrassment and very damaging to a private person with autism. She did not and could not do these intrusions under the mental capacity act as she was not qualified to judge my mental capacity, she was basically doing what she wanted, unsupervised, unqualified, and has managed to cover up for herself very very well by influencing the Korris report, which is left online despite the known inaccuracies, and continues to harm me.
• The police authority need to ask why I was traced by the diocese through the police when I was under this 'restraining order' if it exists, and why the police where deliberately inciting a crime? why would the police who refused my pleas for protection from Jane Fisher and the Diocese an treated me as if I was mad and went ahead and brutalized and destroyed me allowed to come after me and violate my privacy for the Diocese and drag me back into this sorry mess, only to have me threatened because Bishop Dakin wrongly believes that there is a restraining order, if there is, I was not told of it, and if there isn't, that is because Jane Fisher has lied to the Korris report and to Bishop Dakin and others, and this needs to be looked into before Jane Fisher works with any other vulnerable adult!

This email is to be taken into account in my complaint against jane Fisher, and diocese and police are to be aware of it, also to be aware of the depth of scarring that the criminal record, engineered from Jersey to Winchester and Sussex by Jane Fisher will never ever heal, I will never live indoors, be part of society or work or feel safe again, because Jane Fisher of the Winchester Diocese destroyed me for her own reasons and unsupervised and un-withdrawn by Bishop Scott-Joynt despite me begging him to withdraw her.

She is not suitable to work with vulnerable adults because not only is she a loose canon with no empathy or understanding of her actions, but she has been dishonest repeatedly throughout this five years and can be very nasty and excused her nastiness too late by claiming, despite her position and experience with autism, not to understand autism.

Basically I am ruined, and the Diocese dragging me into this again in March and dragging me through every kind of condemnation and humiliation as a pawn has been horrific for me, it will take another five years from when I bow out in three weeks time, for me to begin to feel better, I have been a pawn in a game, I have been used so the Diocese could show off online a very damaging and inaccurate report called the Korris Report, and also a very empty apology for the Dean, to make it look like the Diocese cared about safeguarding when in reality, what they have done to me through this past five months has proved just the opposite, but the thing is, as before, I have no voice, I am not heard, I am drowned out in the Bishop's threats and the attacks from Jersey, I am scapegoated and always will be, and if you look at that situation, do you wonder that I want to die? I have been dragged into this and had to listen to 40 pages of rubbish shouted at me from Korris, with no input of my own, I have been threatened with a court order that as far as I know does not exist, I have been dragged in and threatened even though I was dragged in and hurt by the lies in the Korris report and my reaction is greeted by threats, does anyone think safeguarding has improved in anything other than the shiny press image that the church of england are creating?

I don't, nor do the Chichester victims.

I am furious at the extent to which Jane Fisher has got away with this, including herself not being investigated in the Korris report and her cover ups.

Bishop Dakin will not be proving anything good if he does not take action about Jane Fisher, and if he does not, he will be deliberately leaving vulnerable people at risk, but what do I matter? In three weeks I go back to living in fear of the police and suffering trauma alone, no resolution and the wounds not just opened by the Diocese's actions over the past five months but gouged deeper and more jagged.

The Diocese dragged me back in, through the police and have hurt and damaged me through their Korris report, had the Dean cleared and have done nothing for me, and as long as I have a criminal record, there is nothing they or anyone else can ever do for me.

sincerely,

Traumas from the last six months, an exhaustive list part 1.

I am diagnosed as suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, with some of the elements of this condition being very high above the clinical cut-off point on the scale, this makes it quite serious.

I have said about this that despite these serious measurements, I am in much better shape than I was 18 months to a year ago.

The depth and severity of damage to me by Jane Fisher and the former Bishop was so severe that basically it is only a miracle that I didn't commit suicide.

But the events of the past six months have sent my stress levels sky high, especially recently, and despite the best efforts of my church, support team and therapy, I am in a state of severe tension, distress and depression.

I will list some of the traumas but the list is exhaustive:

• Being traced by the police, basically this should not have happened and is inexcusable and was done to no beneficial purpose as the Diocese showed no interest in talking to me, explaining why they had set up on me through the police, or what they wanted, they subsequently never explained the enquiry.
• The fake apologies in the paper by the Bishop and Archbishop, which were never backed up by genuine personal apologies. It appears that for all their power and status, the church of england do not know what a proper apology actually is.
• The way the Archbishop blanked and blocked communication and ignored me, while he had all the time in the world for wrongdoers in Jersey who approached him.
• The way the Bishop threatened me with court orders, what court order? one that one of his employees got me for responding to her harm of me? I had no knowledge of this order, if it exists, what I do know is that I was threatened by a man who had me illegally traced by police only to blank me and threaten me, which instantly made it quite clear that the whole matter was a farce. I have not come to terms with this man, Tim Dakin, tracing and threatening me. It is a deep deep trauma.
• In the meantime I was being told by everyone else what the Dean of Jersey and his clergy had already told me previously, that the Bishop had no authority in Jersey, no authority to discipline the Dean and thus the Dean would be reinstated. The Bishop's office denied this and said that the Dean would not be reinstated without an enquiry. And what an utter nonsense that turned out to be, further harming me!
• So far I was very shocked and damage and didn't hear a word of kindness or helpfulness from the Bishop's office, it was all vague waffle, a nonsense.
• Anyway, the hate campaign against me by clergy and church leaders in Jersey kicked off in style when the Dean was suspended, supposedly just in defence of the Dean, ignoring the fact that he had done wrong, albeit years ago. I suffered and have never recovered from that hate campaign, it haunts my nightmares and has left me further traumatized and affected what little self-esteem I had, it has left me with an empty hopeless hole inside me that makes any attempt by me to put my side of things across hopeless.
• Meantime I was made aware of the 'Korris Report' by the bloggers, a report written by some lay counsellor called Jan Korris, and titled as if it was written by someone, rather than some obscure lay counsellor with few qualifications. The Korris report was an awful inaccurate, defamatory and damaging report, apparently commissioned by Jane Fisher, who grandly titled herself as 'Winchester Diocesan Safeguarding Panel', a panel that does not apparently exist, if there was a panel rather than Jane Fisher on her own, damaging vulnerable people and covering the church's back, then how come Jane Fisher alone damaged me and didn't refer to her 'panel' and was able to have the Korris report done in a way that covered up her wrongdoing and further damaged me and misled everyone.

This list will be continued tomorrow. I am stopping here because of the trauma and distress that even writing this causes me, I am in serious difficulties.

Traumatic invasion of my privacy by the Diocese this year

Written Last Year 2013:

In march this year, my world was shattered.
The Church of England had me traced by the police.

The Same Church of England who destroyed me through the police.

The Diocese of Winchester, in who's care I had been abused, belittled, downtrodden and ruined, the Diocese who gave me a criminal record, and yet who are there and in their well-paid positions because they claim to be Christians.

There is nothing Christian in the damage done to me in and by the Diocese of Winchester, from beginning to end.

And especially, there is nothing Christian in what they have made me suffer since March.

Here is a description of the impact of the Diocese's unethical and wrong tracing of me, done with no explanation to me, and done because they were under pressure from people who read the inaccurate Korris report, which omitted my views and covers the back of the real wrongdoer, safeguarding officer Jane Fisher.

How can a report have been comissioned and influenced by one of the people I had a complaint against? How can that person's wrongdoing be omitted to the extent of cover up, and that person be protected rather than  being suspended and being made to apologize?
Why has Jane Fisher been able to be so dishonest and protect her own back? She who still works with vulnerable people after destroying me?

Below is the statement I wrote for the diocese in anger and distress after their invasion of my life  this year, I have edited this slightly and it was written months ago and so is about how things were then:

It was in March 2013 that things went wrong. I didn’t consciously know that anything had happened at first, but subconsciously maybe I did, but at the time I attributed the increasingly strong nightmares about Jane Fisher, Bob Key, Jersey and the police to the fact I was trying to learn to live indoors. My sleep went down to a few hours a night and I was in such emotional distress during the days that it was difficult to function normally.

Even though for some odd reason, I was getting emails from people in Jersey and people from the past I didn’t think, even when an email said ‘have you heard the news’, these people were from my distressing past and as far as I was concerned they had no news for me. So I left their emails unopened as I was under enough stress from trying to teach myself to be a house dweller again, and I felt deeply vulnerable as a registered house dweller even under my new identity I was in fear of Jane Fisher and the police - this fear very logically being caused by Jane Fisher and the Bishop repeatedly coming after me with the police when I responded to their negative interventions in my life.

Within a few weeks I had realised that I could not live indoors. I could only afford cheap lodgings which I paid for from my welfare benefits as I knew that the struggle to explain myself to Housing Benefit would be too much and I was always in danger of abandoning the tenancy or being traced by the diocese anyway, especially as I could not get the right support to help me to learn to be a house dweller. I also could not really afford to pay my own rent, low as it was.
My main barrier to housedwelling is the flashbacks, distress, terrors, bad memories and despair because of Jane Fisher and Bishop Scott-Joynt and the Dean of Jersey and their police interventions against me in response to my protests at their refusal to deal with my complaint and their bad handling (to put it mildly) of my complaint.

The cheap lodgings was in a lodging house and I was the only female there, still suffering PTSD and quite frightened by some of the behaviour of the men in the house and feeling a bit intimidated. So I was longing to return to the streets, especially as the memories and distresses of Jersey were coming back to me too strongly, and at the time I thought it was simply from being indoors, and maybe it was. 

Before I left the house I managed to get very ill, the hygiene in the house was bad and a drug addict who had been very ill for months had just moved out and the guy who took the vacant room became just as sick and was taken to hospital, and then I got sick too.
I moved out while I was ill and back homeless I went through one of the worst bouts of illness that I ever remember. Whooping cough and pneumonia.

I was afraid to see a doctor because I have been treated really badly in the years since Jersey because Jane Fisher and the former Bishop really wanted me to be insane and locked up and I was also not willing to see a doctor in case I was traced. Even though all attempts to certify me insane failed because sadly I am not. PTSD and autism are not madness and cannot be treated as such.

In the end I went to a hospital and they said I was ok, recovering, I had been so very ill and it was a relief to know they thought I was ok. They would have admitted me if I had gone when I was really ill, and I could not allow that, I could not be captive somewhere and have the police turn up, I remain living in fear in that way.

I still didn’t know what had happened with the diocese but I had returned to sleeping rough and it felt amazing! Yeah! Lying there looking at the stars as I fell asleep I was at peace. 
The time between evening and morning is when I am happiest, the diocese of Winchester destroyed me but they gave me the gift of a sky full of stars and so few people get to enjoy such a gift any more, so I really appreciate it.
I love the evenings when I walk quietly alone with my headphones in and my music on, I love to lie down in my blankets and gaze at the sky and I love to get up in the quiet early morning and walk the quiet roads and stop and gaze, this is heaven to me and I am now in fear that that diocese intend to rip this from me.

Anyway, then I got an email from the policeman who had traced me and I was deeply shocked. I only read the first lines and couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
Firstly my new identity was shattered and I was once again open and vulnerable to police and diocese cruelty and attacks and slander.

All I read of the police email was that they had traced me and this policeman called me ‘Ms’ and my new name in capitals as if he was jeering. And then that ‘the diocese wished to support me through local church groups’ and something about the historic abuse case in Jersey. What historic abuse case? I was furious, why, after the way Jane Fisher and Bishop Scott-Joynt repeatedly drove me from help by slandering me and ommitting either that I was disabled or that I had been abused, were they talking about local church groups???

Firstly there are no local church groups that help abuse victims, none, churches shun abuse victims and safeguard against them, secondly I am not in that area or diocese, thirdly I have no intention of belonging anywhere where Jane Fisher and the diocese of Winchester can humiliate me or involve themselves with their side of things as Jane Fisher and Bishop Scott-Joynt did before. Basically after what has happened, this being traced and violated and humiliated for the sake of fictional help was ludicrous! If the diocese had anything to say to me which was in MY interests and not just them covering their backs, they would have emailed me themselves as they have my email addresses and were more than capable of doing this without deliberately degrading me with further police action that I had not merited.

I was in shock when I got this email and it was Maundy Thursday and there was nowhere to go for help.
I walked up to one of the churches and there was a church man there, he recognized me and happily started telling me about bedding plants for the church garden and then realized I was crying and shaking. He phoned his wife and got the number of a church person who I talk to and she came to the church and held my hand. I did not understand why the diocese had set the police on me and shattered my privacy and left me open to the horrific continuation of the cycle of being violated by Jane Fisher and Scott-Joynt and then being attacked by the police for answering and asking for justice and restoration, all I knew was that the police had come after me for the diocese.
So the church lady held my hand and comforted me and she said no-one in her church had betrayed me to the diocese and the police as far as she knew, because I have the horror that someone has indeed betrayed me and left me damaged by this, because the police got my details somewhere and somewhere I will be shamed and embarrassed when I go to see old friends. And also I was repeatedly betrayed by churches because of behind-my-back-intervention by the Diocese of Winchester before I escaped from them two years ago.

Anyway, then the minister arrived and was told I had had a shock and he came and sat with me and talked gently. Then I helped him to prepare for the Holy Communion Service, and that took my mind off things.
I still had no knowledge of the full situation, and in truth I still don’t.

Easter was hell because of being traced by the police, there was nowhere to go and no-one to turn to, which is the usual in the Christmas and Easter holidays but worse because of the police. The Easter Sunday service was lovely but because of the fact I was no longer hidden and safe from Jane Fisher and the police after two years, I felt unsafe in church and I remembered Vicar Tim at Romsey Abbey coming and shouting at me and saying he had been speaking to Jane Fisher about me, and all the cold accusatory one-sided things he repeated from Jane Fisher before I ran off crying in the night and went to a police station but was too scared of being beaten and locked up to tell them to make Jane Fisher go away. I did not want the old priest at this church to do the same accusatory shouting and telling me how bad I was.
Because, after a very very long time of deep fear and wariness, I have learned to love again, and I love my church/es, because they have showed me that church and Christianity is not the way the Diocese of Winchester and the Deanery of Jersey portray it in abuse and arroagance and boastfulness and wealth and  treading on the poor and disabled and isolated and I have just started to believe my churches, and to see with Joy that Christianity is real.

When the holidays thankfully finished, I was in the library and still being badgered by emails about Jersey and the Diocese so when I was signing into my emails I looked at the news stories and found the story.
Something about Jersey and the Archbishop and Bishop apologizing and the Dean being suspended.
Again I stumbled outside crying.
I am as raw as if I have no skin and I cannot cope with much stress at all.

I went back up to the church and thankfully my friend from last time was actually there, she came to sit with me and held my hand again as I blurted out something about the news saying the Bishop apologized, my friend said I should be turning cartwheels and wasn’t I happy?
No, I was traumatized by all of it, all of it in the papers and all of the past being dragged up and the police, I didn’t know anything about this report that I was being badgered about by email. I felt vulnerable and frightened because I was traced by the police, I felt shocked and depressed, because despite the flashbacks and the unhealed wounds, I had tried to leave this in the past as Jane Fisher was always coldly telling me to leave what had happened to me in the past because my pain was of no relevance and I was not valid.
Jane Fisher never actually explained what she was trying to force me to leave in the past, but Jane Fisher rarely saw fit to explain anything, her aim was only to force me and the situation to be what she wanted. So me, and my pain, were invalidated by her aims and needs.

So no, no cartwheels, just shock, there is nothing that will make me hopeful or joyful any more, the pain has been too deep for too long, I like my walks in the dark and in the early morning and I like lying on the ground and watching the stars as I fall asleep but I do not feel joy at the church of england suddenly, too late, forcing upon me something that is to do with their politics rather than my welfare and doing it very publicly and having me intimidated and distressed by the police for their own ends at the same time.

So, I was in crisis and still trying to shake off the illness that tends to come back just when I think it has gone.  I had to ask those offering me pastoral care to stop as it was upsetting me too much, these were church people, and until I had an assurance from the diocese of Winchester that they are going to leave me alone, I did not feel safe or able to let anyone help me (in reality I am still living in fear), and while I am in fear of a police attack I feel almost unable to even see the psychologist, after all, if you are going to be beaten and locked in then there is no point in paying for psychology because it cannot undo that.

I continued to try and maintain the rest of my routine while no longer attending church or having help. It is hard to keep a routine when you are depressed and homeless but thankfully what I was taught by MIND about keeping myself going during crisis is helping a lot.
(MIND is a source of help I refer myself to when I need them, they have helped me since I referred myself when I was a young adult before my Asperger Syndrome or autism was officially recognized). 

Anyway, I continued to hear about Jersey, bit by bit, and continued to fight the distress and memories brought back to me.
I was told by email that the Dean will simply be reinstated because all the Bishop has done is cause a constitutional crisis in Jersey, and I myself was surprised that the Bishop even suspended the Dean, because I was told by the Dean himself and some of his clergy in Jersey while I was there that the Bishop could do nothing to him and nothing to them so they could effectively do as they pleased and I would not be listened to.

What horrified me was the complete lack of response from the Archbishop or Wolvsley when I frantically tried to contact them, which cemented the fact that this whole farce was in fact nothing to do with me but to do with something political that I did not know about, this didn’t surprise me as the church of England are unmotivated and unmoved by abuse victims and their ‘safeguarding’ policy simply ensures that disabled people and vulnerable people are excluded, isolated, shunned and unable to make friends, because no-one is allowed to be alone with them or take them home or take them out, the church of England treats us as profane, as lesser beings, by keeping this policy behind the backs of vulnerable people. 

And so why would they be apologizing to me, especially as they launched a police attack at the same time! But Wolvsley have nothing to say, neither does the Archbishop.
I have made a complaint about being traced but that complaint is about the policeman, the diocese of Winchester remain untouchable and a constant threat to me and I despair because it seems that I would have to seek asylum abroad to escape them, and I am tired, I do not want to go unless I have to, but the dread silence and the danger of police attacks and the confusion remains.

Jersey is obviously the same, the internet is full of articles and blogs, and in true Jersey style some of the information is very vicious, some in support of the Dean and some not, some blatantly attacking him and some blatantly attacking me.
The thing is, the Diocese of Winchester may be under some illusion that my identity and the identities of other parties is concealed, but believe me, those few Jerseypeople who did not already know about this, do now and most people do know all the names of those involved, especially since a very blatant breach of confidences occurred.

There are some very good Jersey blogs, which are providing real information on what has been happening, countering that awful Korris report and the very very nasty slander against me by clergy and supporters in the Jersey Deanery, these blogs include Bob Hill’s Jersey Blog, Rico Sorda’s blog, Voiceforchildren’s blog, Tony’s musings, Stuart Syvret’s blog and more.

But there are snippets of this awful ‘independent safeguarding report‘ the Korris Report, the one that was done without my input and lets the whole world know how successfully the Dean and the Bishop and Jane Fisher punished me for speaking up and had me thrown in prison and ‘deported’ and left homeless in the UK with Jane Fisher still hanging onto my jugular until she pulled me down to the point of no hope, no healing, nothing left etc. Or does it omit that? I had a breakdown from trying to read the Korris Report, it is so awful and so inaccurate and cover’s Jane Fisher’s wrongdoing so well that it caused me to collapse. I have never finished reading it and it is so very damaging and wrong that I do not know why it was allowed to be published. I have expressed this opinion to Jan Korris but she is not bothered, as long as she gets her comission she isn’t too worried that she has had internationally published a gravely damaging report about an already suffering abuse survivor. Hopefully the collective complaints about it means she wont do it again, but I doubt that she cares.


Anyway, everyone has an opinion and in Jersey they fight about it like little boys, because Jersey is a small place and has that mentality, everyone knows someone and everyone has a bias, it makes it a bad place to live if you report someone for abuse and they have connections. The thing with the diocese is that they are not there and do not know who is who, who has what bias and why, but Jersey is another country and another country that used to be occupied by the Germans and has never lost that mentality. And at the moment they are not too pleased with England invading against one of their politicians, which is what the Dean is first and foremost, he certainly isn’t a Christian.

But anyway, I gather that Wolvsley tried to do a Jane Fisher and tell me that this isn’t affecting me! Are you crazy? You rake up the past and humiliate me publicly, even if only in Jersey and in your online report and you set the police after me and you think I am not affected?! I am not strong enough for much stress and believe me some of the opinions of people known and unknown in Jersey right now do affect me! They make me want to curl up and die.

This is my situation right now. The diocese refuse to confirm to me that as far as I am concerned the matter is closed. So I am in limbo, I am living in fear with my life paused, I am afraid of police attacks, I am distressed by what has happened and how I am publicly flogged, I am terrified that my quiet walks with my music and my sleeps in my cheerful blanket will be taken off me and I will be locked in for incomprehensible reasons and my freedom and life will be gone and ‘help’ will be forced on me.


Life is in limbo, there is a so-called investigation, but the Bishop reinstated the Dean and said he had acted in good faith, now the Bishop hides behind a PR company and refuses to communicate, while half the so-called investigation he has instigated is a conflict of interests, but he refuses to withdraw it or comment.

Introduction

Earlier this year, severely traumatized by the Diocese of Winchester's tracing of me. I started a blog.
It was muddled and not a very good description of things and I was under too much stress and trauma to get it right.

The blog was publicized against my wishes and I had harrasment from a church of england vicar who calls himself an investigative journalist in order to satisfy his vouyeristic needs, and who publishes a blog about sexuality and decided he had every right to barge into the church of england matter and scapegoat me.

It just shows how low certain people can stoop, especially ordained people.

This blog will hopefully answer some people who have asked me to write about what has really happened, as the Korris report is horrendously inaccurate and damaging, and Dame Steel's report, because she is conflicted, will be the same.

Following the example of the Jersey bloggers, who have faced arrest, imprisonment and other damage for speaking out and speaking the truth, I intend to keep this blog up, no matter what is done to me, basically I am already ruined beyond repair by the church of England and so it doesn't matter, I do not expect them to stop harming me, and my side of things has been excluded from any enquiry, so I am going to give my side of things this way.